Letting Go!

We have all been there. The choices of the past! The decisions we wish we never made, but made them. You sit there and contemplate, “If I never did this what would my life be like?” For me its one decision I made over, and over again. The same bad decision for 14 years! Yeah I typed that right, 14 years! Kept going back to my ex. You’d think after having to cancel a wedding two weeks before because you found out all summer he was seeing someone else. You’d think after he left to another province, and never called you once for three months. You’d think after he finally calls and asks you to come move in with him, than dumps you in front of all his friends after announcing that you’re pregnant. Then having to drive across provinces in the dead of a winter storm to move back home. You’d think after he came back from said province, and forced you to have an abortion with that child he dumped you over. You’d think after you get pregnant for a second time, (he asked me for a child) and him not catering to any of your pregnant needs. You’d think after having the baby, and him cheating on you with a mutual high school friend for months. (Her husband contacted me on the affair). You’d think after he tells you not to go back to school because I’ll never amount to anything. You’d never go back! but I kept coming back after all these things. What finally stopped me from coming back to him was my family. My family made him leave with out saying a word to me. I came home one day to find all his stuff gone. He left wonderful, muddy foot prints everywhere for me to clean up. My family moved me out to a smaller place so there would be no room in my life for him to come back. Haylee’s wonderful support team got together, and offered me support. Like I said in “Taking Care Of You” post, If I’m not healthy how can I take care of anyone else.

Its been 8 years since I’ve never gone back, and I’m still learning how to forgive myself for those decisions. I’m not mad at him anymore, or myself. I don’t tear up as often when I tell my story, but there is still one component that eats me up. Something that I still haven’t been able to let go of. Regret! Some people might understand my next sentence, and some people will not. There is something that hits my thoughts pretty much everyday for the past 11 years. Haylee is a punishment, a constant reminder of the bad decisions I made. Now I know somewhere I must believe that is not true, but the thought is so heavy that I have a hard time believing its not true. I love my daughter to pieces, and I’d never stop loving her. I do everything I can everyday to help her. Since her dad started to help me last year (Finally) the thought has become less heavy, but still there. I still need to let regret go, and I’m working on it.

So How do you heal from all of this? Well, I have been working on a few things. Mostly talking to a therapist about it. I’ve done some exercises with her, and I write about it. This is my first time coming out publicly with it. But if reading this helps anyone else reach out for help, or encourages them to start looking at healing from their decisions, then its worth me coming out.

First you need to take full responsibility. It was your decision, and you have to live with consequences that decision made. Than comes choices. Your past decision wasn’t permanent. Well I guess children are, but there may be choices that you can make that will fix the decision you made. It’s also essential that you understand why you made the decision you made. For me it was comfort. I was comfortable in the mess that was our relationship. For some gaud awful reason I couldn’t imagine my life with someone else. That also took a lot of therapy to get out of that comfort circle I was in. Anyways, you need to apologize to yourself. You need to forgive yourself for that decision. Wouldn’t you say that to your best friend, “Awe Girl! It was just a bad decision. you need to forgive yourself and move on.” Next, focus on the present and be proactive for the future. after all you still will make a billion more decisions in your life ahead. Learn from these decisions so that you make better ones for the future. I learnt how to spot a toxic relationships, I learnt how not to be a toxic person to other people. I learnt that those decision’s made me a stronger person. I learnt that I can help other people heal through experience.

If you need help letting go of the decisions you made then reach out. You can reach out to a doctor, therapist, councilor, and of course anyone you trust. There are help lines, and online groups you can join. Yes, you can reach out to me. I’m not specialist, but I’ll listen with out a judgmental ear. I’ll also help you find the right help you need. You’re never alone in this world. But if you don’t let the past die, it wont let you live. Hugs!