Letter to Me

Dear Me,

A little over one year ago, you were pregnant, diabetic, and anxious as all Hell. You were about to bring a fragile, new life into this insane world. You live hours away from home, where all of your family is, and, unknown to you, the next year is going to be the hardest of your life.

But I wish you knew and believed then that everything will be okay. I wish this so hard sometimes that if a genie were nearby, they'd grant it. Because everything really will be okay.

The mixture of new mom plus pandemic plus night-shift nurse at a big city hospital equals a depression so deep and dark that, at your worst, you wouldn't care if you died. But then you'd think of your baby, your amazing husband, and your mom; you'd picture them at a funeral, recall the rare times you've seen the adults you love cry, think of leaving your baby motherless, and it would break your heart to have even had that thought.

You'd look at your sweet baby and constantly think, "How can I ever be so sad?", "I don't feel like I love him as much as he deserves", and "I'm not enough."

You don't have those thoughts anymore, or they're so fleeting that they don't even impact your day.

You still have bad dreams and nightmares, and you wish you didn't have to dream so vividly all the time, but that's all they are; dreams. They don't stick with you and hurt you the way they did a few months ago; where you would wake up crying and couldn't stop for love or money.

You do end up getting a therapist, and she is amazing. She gives you great advice that really helps;

"Give yourself some grace, you're still learning too."

"Ignore that Poisonous Parrot in your head (those negative thoughts). All they are is thoughts and we give them the power they hold over us, and the emotion we feel with them."

And, something you never quite believed, that you are a great mother, you are enough, and your baby and husband deserve you.

You repeat these words often and, now, they make you feel good. Because you do feel like you're enough. You know you are. And when that Poisonous Parrot throws around an ugly thought, you sweep it away; that wasn't something you could do back then.

Now, you know there's no shame in it and you're vocal to anyone who asks, but you do get put on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. As of today, you've stopped the anti-anxiety, but you can tell if you forget your anti-depressant, so you're going to keep up with that one. But if taking a pill is going to help keep you from regressing back to that darkness, you will happily take it until you die.

Outside of the emotional stress of being a new mother is the physical stuff. In the wise words of our OB, it took a year to make the baby, it'll take a year to really recover from it. Sadly, your bladder still hasn't fully bounced back from labor, and you don't know if it will, but it's nothing too major right now.

As for that diabetes issue, you did not become permanently diabetic. But, man do you feel for diabetics now; never have you ever craved sugar so desperately that you wanted to cry but couldn't indulge. The ghost of your diabetes pops up every now and again, and you bake something sweet, but nothing too crazy; certainly more often than before the pregnancy though.

There have also been so many major life changes outside of becoming a mother. You move closer to family and you switch to day-shift (something you swore you'd never do when working up in the big city hospital). These two things have made a huge positive impact in your life. You don't like going to work, not because you don't like your job, but you just wish you didn't have to work. But you don't dread it the way you did a year ago.

There's no more of that guilt you would feel at leaving your husband alone with the baby for 12 hours then be MIA to sleep during the day so you could work during the night, three times a week. You are on a regular, human schedule now! (Kuddos to the night-shifter's, it is a brutal way of life.)

Now, lets talk about the sweet little Stink Bug.

Lord, have mercy. The baby is as big as you are, still growing, and has such personality. All the faces he makes and the sass he conveys without using a single word is absolutely stunning, and you know exactly what he's thinking. On top of it all, he's healthy.

So all those days you laid in bed, all the hours you spent crying because you didn't feel like enough or that you didn't love him as much as he deserves (newsflash, you did and do. This is that Poisonous Parrot and hormones making ugly thoughts), those are just bad memories. Because your Stink Bug is amazing. At the end of the day, he is fed, clean, clothed, and so, so loved. That's all anyone really needs.

But, the main reason I wrote this is so that I can look back and, while remembering how hard things were, I can see the light. Because I am so much better today than I was a year ago, Hell, even three months ago. I know I keep saying that, but there were times when I was afraid that I wouldn't feel better.

So just know that you are enough for your baby and your husband. They deserve you and you deserve happiness. You love your baby so fiercely and just as much as he needs, and he loves you the same. You are doing your best.

And you are a great mother.

With love,

You, 1 year post-partum