Learning Patience by Walking on the Edge

As a child overwhelmed with curiosity, while growing up in a calmer and slower world, I had a lot of patience. Although I had an impatient life, I still managed to control my emotions because I believed that's the best way to learn.

I wasn't aware of many things, but my instincts were alive, and it forces me to feel the pleasure of the things I like, and the displeasure and pain of my dislikes. The distress of poverty and life was one of the things I didn't like. When pain visits me, I don't declare war to attack and control it with painkillers. I go on an expedition to find the causes. When I do, whatever I have contributed to pain's visitation isn't repeated. I learned that. that action is most effective when patience is leading the way.

While growing up, humanity's actions, choices, and decisions often violate my endurance, robbing me of my composure. Raising children ate away a lot of my restraint. Life adds trials and aggravations too. Thus, problems that I didn't experience before began to beat me down. The more impatient I got, the worst my life became.

My memory began to evade me, so did sleep. Lack of sleep is dangerous for everyone's mental health. Sleep aids can do so much, with a price tag attached. My behavior was disrupting my life and hurting everyone that relies on me for anything. Whether it's advice, acts of kindness, love, food, etc., nothing in my life remained unaffected.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/sleep-and-mental-health

While on the number two train heading to Manhattan many years ago, someone called out to me using my pet name. Anyone doing that goes back to my childhood. Pet names often slip away as you age. Now they call it Aliases. My memory revealed nothing as I stared at her. Checking and double-checking, while wrestling with my consciousness, nothing came up. My frustration mounts and the strength and determination to survive in me asked, "what's your name again?"

I was in my twenties. I was known for having an excellent memory thanks to the development of my critical thinking at an early age.

"How can you forget me?" she teased. Reading my expression, she announced, "I am Thea." We laughed off my embarrassment while on a trip back to our childhood days.

That was when I realized how deep I had sunk. I needed help! Now!

I was going through depression. Clinically Depressed, my doctor said. Their first solution was to nourish me with Anti-depressants.

http://www.ulifeline.org/articles/396-the-dangers-of-depression

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/toughtimes/2018/10/anxiety-and-impatience-how-to-calm-down

In my culture, we visit the doctor after our home remedies and cures go on strike, refusing to do their job. Prozac and Zoloft were popular Anti-depressants then. Their dangerous side effects pushed you closer to the edge instead of luring you away from insanity.

Anti-depressants weren't on my list of healing myself, but #Iintend2survive, so I followed the doctor's orders. I didn't like the side effects of the menu they planned for me. So, I stopped taking their medication. Then switched on learning mode and began studying myself and my life.

Why was I depressed? 

In my opinion, I didn't have a reason to be. So why was this cruel disorder following me? I had the life dreams are made of. From the outside looking in, most of the people I knew wanted my life. While waiting on life to give me a reason, I understood that everything I desired in life was inside me. 

A garden of possibilities was waiting on me to want it bad enough and is willing to dig deep enough.

I wanted it. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be happy.

Mental health issues in my culture are believed to be the payback from the sins of the father. How ignorant is that for the descendants of slaves and several lifetimes of poverty and pain?

In my study of me, I learned that I do some of my best writings under the influence of depression. Some of the things I wrote I can't remember writing them.

All of my best articles and stories were written under depression's domination.

I love to write. Writing gives me the power to create the world I dream of but can't live in. It seems as if my depression was a part of my creativity and ability to soar with limitless imagination.

Life backed me into a corner again. With little imagination and creativity, sanity I would reap. Or depression with all of the things that make me happy.

Life can be hell.

Happiness comes with a price.

How much are you willing to pay?

Any which way I choose, I will be denied something essential.

Convinced that it's my life and I was the one in charge, with added frustration and pain, I opt to give life a run for my sanity. I exercise my right not to choose. Being in the middle can be very hot, but I am an island girl. I was born and raised in the Tropics, so I can handle the heat.

It's the cold that bothers me.

I love to walk, so innovative ideas and solutions find me at that moment. It has become one of my anti-depressants.

Find yours and use it to heal yourself.

Being playful on one of my morning walks, I decided to test my reflexes. I walked on the edge of the sidewalk. When I walked fast, danger threatens me. As I trod slower with strength and focus, I became a threat to failure. Experience has shown me the consequences of stupidity. The sidewalk imitated my life's journey, which was packed with cracks and broken edges demanding me to be alert and aware.

I fell a few times before I learn to navigate through them at a slower pace. Every day I got better. I started doing it twice per day. My slower pace through the cracks taught me the importance of patience in life when situations and circumstances grab control away from me. Tolerance pushes away my anxiety fuels by my depression. With time and walking, I recognized the value and true meaning of perseverance and how it impacts my life. I trod slower even when there are no cracks, and my life is better. I learn more too.

Whenever I get impatient, I take a journey on the edge. Patience puts my life on the right track, giving me the power to fight depression. I am still learning to accept life at my own pace. Depression still visits me; some days, it wins for a few hours, but I use it to my advantage. I have learned to live and co-exist with my disorder. Most of my days are good, and that's how life balance is. Life demands balance and we can give it or it will take it away from us.

Life has become my trainer, teaching me how to fight, and it has also taken away my giving 'up option.' And that is a damn good thing.

Find a solution that works best for you. You are the only one feeling your pain. Everything you want to do is in you. You can find it yourself with more control of your life or allow life to find it for you with limited authority over your own life.

Everyone wants control of their life.

A fighting spirit lives longer and can do more.

This image is for a smile. 

Thank you for reading this piece. I hope you enjoy it.