Just Wondering

Entry 1:

In my teenage years, I thought that adulthood was going to be great. In my head, I was going to get married have a few kids, graduate from college and be great. But DID life open up a can of whoop a** or not. I’m married with more than a few kids (which is great) but I haven’t graduated. I am afraid of moving forward or something because I just can’t put forth the effort to do better. Now I have tried and tried but each time I failed. And the way life is failure is FAILURE. It’s just hard to come back from. Though they want you to think, “hey, when you fail, you could get back up and try again.” Then sooner or later you’d succeed. I don’t know if it’s just me but ummm. I have failed plent of times. Actually too many time to count and my whole adulthood FAILURE. I’m yet to actually reach a real goal and I’m 26.

I wasn’t warned as a kid. My mom didn’t specifically say life isn’t worth living. But I’d probably tried to ended it if I knew it’d be like this!! (It’s not all horrible but it’s not what I wanted.)

Okay. So my mom did but didn’t caution me exactly. I mean she could have said, “when you fail little lady... you might try again but everything EVERYTHING will get in your way.” Now could she have just given me advice, the hint, the clue to get pass this stage... YES! But did she...No. Then maybe she didn’t know it.

I know when I was very young, I would look into people cars and wonder if their minds were different from mines. I’d wonder if they lived like I did or existed like I did but different from me. If they had their own life.

It wasn’t until third grade did I understand that I was (am) me and they were them. When I did notice everyone’s life was different, I wondered. By middle school, jealous kicked in. But that’s a different story.

No more side tracking.. the point: Was my mom not able to give me advice on my life or give me a straightforward line or steps on how to live my dream because everyone life is different? Is that why she feed me with the dream that I would be successful in whatever I did? Or the dream that I could do what ever I wanted and be great? Was my mom afraid to tell me the truth or did she just go based on her experience?

Is everyone life the same? Do everyone spend 8 or more years wondering what is this? Wondering what happened? Do everyone make a mistake and retry? Then make the same mistake again? Then without notice 5 years later, they are still in the loop. Trying to find the right time to jump out? Or is that just me?

Is there someone out there who only made a mistake once? Who then learned their lesson? Who succeeded on the second go round and just lived happily ever after? Is that life my mother said I could have really out there? You know the ones we watched on TV in the late 90s and the early 2000s. Are they human? Am I not? Or are we the same but different?

What gives “” the write to put me though all this sh**? Did I do something wrong just before adulthood? Was it that bad? Is everything I’m going through, what I deserve?

I want hope. I want change. I want to comeback from these 8 years of agony. I want to jump of the train! It keeps taking me in circles of lost. I don’t want anymore lost. I want that dream I was promised. I don’t want to be afraid of failing nor feel I am failure. I know I am more! I know I deserve better... but how do I implement that? I want to know how do I give myself the courage to move forward! Tell me! Give me a sign. Mama! MAMA! What do I do?