She’s Not Me

It’s that time of the month and I’m home alone again. He has to keep leaving me, how else will the bills get paid, but I don’t like it at all.

A couple years back I was sentenced to the cuckoo’s nest. I don’t know how it happened. I had been controlling my anger since 16 but I guess my 20s got to me. You’d think him getting on that bus couldn’t have possibly tipped the scale.

It was a Thursday night and I just got home from the hospital. I’d had my daughter two days before and my boyfriend haven’t been anywhere in sight. Soon as I made it home, I dropped my kid to my mom to find out what’s been up.

Can you believe he’d been sitting in the room for two days straight? Well I couldn’t.

I barged into our bedroom and started shouting to the top of my lungs. Now this was 6 years ago, so I don’t remember exactly what I said but I knew I was angry. I started throwing things at him and tossing his clothes out the window. He got very upset, which he usually doesn’t, and he stormed off. I ran after him yelling, “please don’t leave me.” He kept moving, not saying a word to me. He got on the bus and left.

My heart start racing and it’s like I could feel my blood pumping through every inch of my body. All I could think was he left! I couldn’t contain my tears. I couldn’t control my anger. I walked back home and slammed my room door behind me. I thought, my kids need me even if he don’t. That thought wasn’t significant enough to stop me though. I grabbed the bottle of knock off pain killers. I just wanted to ease the pain I kept reminding myself. I can’t help anyone if I’m in pain. This will make the pain go away.

I took the cap off the bottle and dumped half of it into my hands. I walked into the restroom and looked in the mirror. I had seen her before and I promised myself I’d never see her again. I would never let another man hurt me like that again. But there she was puffy eyed, blood boiling into her cheeks and starring at me.

Kill her... My head keep yelling at me to just kill her. She’s so weak! Kill her! I took the pills and shoved them into my mouth and drank out the sink.

Some time later, I heard my daughter cry. She was breastfed. She was hungry. I no longer had strength to get up nor move. I dropped to the floor and dialed her dad. I slowly tell him I’m dying and drop the phone.

Next thing I hear is the sirens of the ambulance coming. They flashed lights into my eyes and asked me questions. Are you okay? I couldn’t say anything. What’s your name? I didn’t know. My mom started crying. They put me in the back of the truck but everything was blurry. They yelled to my mom, “we have to take her to Park Plaza.” She cried no, my mom died there. They rushed me to Ben Taub and on the way there I blacked out.

To be continued...