I Believed Him

You know what? I believed him. I was appalled because we had a kid now. He promised me something special. Not forever but something special. And were did that put me? In a hospital bed, feeling like my eyes were going to pop out of my body. Dreading whether I’d ever see my babies again but not caring at the same. Not wanting to be there, knowing I need to be.

The doctor comes to my bed and asked me why?. All I could tell him was that I was in pain. He said, “where?”. Is it your leg? Your head? Where was the pain coming from? I burst in tears. It’s here! In my brain or maybe my chest but it hurt so bad.

The doctor walks away to talk to my mom.

She said, “it’s not the first time she’s done this.” She tried to kill herself I know it. She needs help. Help my baby please.

The courts marked it as a suicide attempt.

It took me a couple days and some throwing up for me to actually be able to function a little bit. Just enough to notice him walk into the hospital room. He rushed to me and started to cry. I cried seeing the tears come down his face. He apologized. He said he was sorry he’d got on that bus because if he’d have stayed, he’d have protected me.

Protected me from myself?

I hated it there. The poked and probed at my arm. At my head. They asked me questions that I didn’t want to understand. I needed out of there. I WANTED TO GO HOME. I promised I wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t promise better but never the less, I wouldn’t do it again. So he said he’d take me home. They wasn’t letting me leave, the judge deemed me leathal. He said I was sentenced and if I left I was wanted.

He knew that! But he still tried. Maybe we could go through that door, he said. It’s closer. If we run for it, we’d make it! I asked him if he knew what was through that door. What if it wasn’t the way out? He said, “okay, well we will go the normal way I came in, just pretend we are going to the restroom.” WE RAN FOR IT! I was ready!

“Hey, Ms.” “If you leave, I’ll call the cops.” He pulled me back. The doctor rushed towards us! “I have a court order for her, sir.” the doctor announced. I didn’t care. I told him let’s go. The tears started to rush. I whispered I want to go home. “Mr. Doctor, if I take her home... what’s going to happen?” The doctor said I’d be escorted to jail. But this was jail for me. Watching these sick people. These crazy people. I didn’t belong. I shouldn’t have been there. I just wanted to be there.

While walking me back to my bed. Everything hit me. I had a baby at home. My baby. She needed me. She was breastfeed. How is she going to eat if I’m still here? Who is going to pay the bills? I have to go back to work! I have to take care of my family! I got to get out of here.

We talked it over and he said he had it. He said he’ll come pick up her milk after I pump. He will take care of the girls until I come home. He’d keep up with the bills. All I had to do was get better and come home to them.

Then he left...

I kept thinking... What do you mean better? I am fine now. You are here. I’ll be okay. Just don’t leave me. I swear I’m good.

I wasn’t though. I cried every night. I couldn’t sleep. My heart stung. I didn’t eat. I didn’t breathe. I didn’t talk.

He never made it home. He slept at the bus stop outside the hospital because they wouldn’t let him stay by my side. When visiting hours restarted, he was back again.

He stayed there with me all day. Until they told him I had to be moved. The nurses came in, gave me something else to wear, and took me behind two big heavy doors. I was scared. I wanted him near. The lady said I could have him back after I settled in a little.

He still didn’t leave. He set in the waiting room until they called for them. By then it was dinner time. I hadn’t eaten in days... I was so high off the pills, I didn’t even know what day it was..

The nurse walked him into the room and handed him my tray. He sat next to me and pulled my chair into his. Sat my tray down in front of me. He then asked me if I’d eaten but without him getting an answer, he knew. He said please eat. I asked him if he’d eaten. I told him I’d only eat if her eat. He took a couple of bites and I ate the rest. Then he held me in his arms while I cried. He told me stories about how we first meet and pulled me in closer. Then for the first time ever, he sung to me. My heart start race as I heard the words. The ocean flooded from my eyes and I sunk into to him. I wanted that moment to last forever. He was my home. But the doctors said he had to go.

The doctor did my evaluation. He looked over what I told him. What my boyfriend told him. What my mom told him but most of all what I did. The three night behind big doors turned into a trip to the cuckoo’s nest.

To be continued...