Just say no.

I’m a people pleaser. On almost any occasion I am the first to take on a new project, always up to grab dinner and always willing to pick up others slack. This is mostly because with any job or position I take on I want to do my best. I want to be seen as productive, as helpful, and as a useful member of the team.

I’m also a super positive person and aim to make people happy. I don’t turn down invites to dinner by friends even if I want a night to myself, and I don’t turn down a new project even if don’t have the time. I am a yes girl because I can’t bring myself to disappoint others.

While some may see this as a super admirable trait, it is something that I have been actively working to change about myself. The burden of caring for others and putting others first has its many downfalls in leadership positions, jobs, or even just friendships. I have found that doing what’s best for others isn’t what is always best for myself and can lead to unwanted stress and overall unhappiness.

After years of agreeing to take on tasks that didn’t make my heart race or that didn’t align with my personal goals, I felt exhausted. These added tasks made being a leader in organizations, something that I regularly enjoy, feeling extremely unmotivated. When 2020 rolled around I decided to take things into my own hands and say no.

I started small by changing the framework. Let’s say I had a lot on my plate with schoolwork and extracurriculars, and someone on the board for a student organization I’m involved in asked me to make a flyer for their event. I would respond by saying, “Oh I’m so sorry but I don’t think I can today, I might be able to later this week though.”

The problem starts there. “I’m so sorry.” I soon realized that tiptoeing around it and pushing it off got me nowhere. People still depended on me and were still expecting me to pick up the slack. Eventually, I concluded that the only way to put myself in a place where I was happy and where I was still my most helpful and supportive self, is to just say no. Kick the “I’m sorry” or “another time” to the side and be assertive. You never have to apologize for saying no to something that one, isn’t your job or two, you don’t have the capacity to do.

The effects of this simple change were immediate. I no longer felt burdened by this non-existing responsibility to please everyone. I had the power to set boundaries, create balance, and put my all into the things that actually make me happy.

Does that mean I stopped offering a helping hand and stopped doing everything that I didn’t want to do? Of course not. Like I mentioned before, I get a lot of joy by helping other people, and by supporting people and projects that mean a lot to me. So, if and only if I have the time, space, and urge to do it, will I offer my time, help or expertise. It sounds selfish but it is the most powerful and rewarding thing you can do for yourself.

Since I have established these healthy boundaries and empowered myself to say no, I have actually found myself to be more inclined to help because it’s on my own terms.

And of course, I’m still learning. By no means am I the most communicative and honest person that I could be. I often still hear that little voice telling me not to let others down but I remind myself daily that this is my life and my happiness. I will not let this constant, unnecessary fear hold me back and control my every day. The power lies in a short, two-letter word; no.