Importance of Mentality

In Search Of Self:

Being blessed with the ability to write is having access to endless possibilities and freedom. With our writing voices we are able to create art with our words. Every piece of creative literature speaks a different person's mind. Creating and finding your own writing voice can be a powerful tool, and allow you to explore different methods of expressing yourself.

To me, my voice is important as it sets me apart. I believe my writing voice allows for the reader to get a strong sense of my personality and who I am.

My writing voice has developed slowly over my years of various different english classes and teachers, but my voice today is a reflection of who I am as a person and how I became this way.

As a kid I loved to write for fun. My favourite thing to do was find quotes I thought to be incredibly confusing and try and break them down and find the meaning. I used them as a base for most of my motivation.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”

- Orson Welles

This quote would keep me up at night. I remember almost feeling bothered by it and initially thinking what is the point of everything if nothing is real? The day I read this quote was followed by a childhood slump. Mid childhood crisis.

This quote has stuck with me since the day I read it. The same quote with the same words, but the meaning of it changed drastically.

At the time I was about 12 years old. My life revolved around soccer as I was just beginning my above average youth soccer career. Team Canada, Olympics 2020. That was my goal in life until about 2015.

As I began interpreting this quote in as many perspectives as possible, I would fall in and out of slumps. One morning I would wake up feeling ambitious and want to create the best “illusion” for myself possible, and other mornings it would seem completely pointless. I used soccer as an outlet to get away from what was a seemingly pointless reality. I had an impressive work ethic and natural gift for the sport as well. I was told at a young age that I would go far in soccer. I listened to that and thought I would take advantage of my talent as it was all I had at the time.

At this point in my life I was very lonely. I did not have many friends nor did I have time to hangout with them as I was spending most of my time distracting myself with soccer. I did not mind being alone though. I was never in a state of true loneliness or sadness during these slumps, but more confused as to why I was here. I had a different mindset and more of an urge to find myself as a person then the kids my age.

I believe this time in my childhood to be influential on who I am today because it allowed me to think. Think bigger than my age.

Today I think for myself. Very rarely do others opinion influence my own thoughts and opinions and that sets me apart from others. To me, this is important. I value individuality and eccentricity. I am a strong individual and do not fear being alone. For this I can thank soccer, as it taught me how to cope with my slumps and be able to appreciate the ups and handle the downs of life.

Soccer continued to steal my time from me growing up. I convinced myself I loved soccer. I convinced myself I was playing for me and not to make anyone else proud but myself.

I trained hard. My work ethic was there. My talent was there. My athleticism was there. Before every game I would get a good night sleep. Eat accordingly.

What was going wrong?

My mindset.

I was in the big leagues now. Playing provincial soccer. Life seemed to happen so quickly I had no idea how I was already playing at this level. One of my major goals was reached. I still was not satisfied.

But I convinced myself I was.

If there was a line graph averaging out how well I was playing each game, the line would shoot from top to bottom of the graph every other point from beginning to end.

My biggest enemy was myself. I was unaware of how much of this game was mental. I would get so flustered and frustrated throughout the game and begin getting fouls and cards. I would cry and walk to the bench and throw my water bottle. I would have no control over my emotions.

I do not know what I would have done without my coach. I can honestly say that that man knew me better then I knew myself. He would pull me aside and talk to me during games. He would explain how I was too hard on myself. He knew I was not happy and my mind was in a million different places. Not one of them being the soccer field. He said that in that moment nothing mattered but the game. That this game was my freedom from whatever else was bothering me.

It was those moments that I would remember the quote that was super glued to the back of my mind. The quote began to go from “life is pointless nothing is real” to a different perspective; each person's reality is perceived in their mind.

It was up to me to create whatever life I wanted through my thoughts.

This is when I began to change. I had a vision of what I wanted in life and I already had everything I needed to achieve it. My mind.

Obviously this did not happen with the flick of a switch. Over the course of a couple years I slowly began to take control over my mind.

Playing through the roughest soccer games, getting screamed at in front of everyone by coaches, talking to universities, going to very intimidating ID camps, waking up early on a Saturday morning to train, pushing your sore muscles to their limits all the way up to the 90th minute. These tasks may seem small but have a large impact on you mentally. Instead of letting the stress build upon my shoulders I tackled each mental and physical task as it came.

As I look back on this from a few years in the future, I realize how influential this all was. Despite how much the love hate relationship with this sport tired my mind out, I would not change any of it. I remain full of endless thank you’s to soccer and all the impactful people that came along with it. From showcases in Florida, to Minnesota, to Vancouver I did love it deep down.

It was no longer a self deception.

It was me loving what I was doing.

That is why it was difficult to stop playing.

D1 NCAA full scholarship. Declined. And many other offers, declined. People around me thought it was my fear of playing at that level, or being homesick at a school too far away. But to me it was strength. I was strong enough to put aside what has been such a huge part of my life for so long. I broke from my comfort zone and regularity to focus more on something that knew I enjoyed more, and felt proud dedicating my time and life too.

Art school is where I am headed. Proudly.

Was I disappointing my family and people around me? Possibly. But it was time to live for me. It was time to find myself and I knew art would lead me to finding a purposeful life more than soccer could.

It was hard to give up something that took up so much of my childhood, time and effort growing up. I spent so many years stressed, monstrous anxiety before each game, butterflies in my stomach, scared knees and concussions. Why would I put so much of myself into that sport to just give it up? The question would bring me to tears. The question would haunt me. I was lost as to what to do.

We live alone, we die alone. The rest is an illusion.

Life is a series of decisions. As of today, giving up something that had been a huge part of my for 16 years was the best decision I have made. The possibility of creating a happier more colourful life through art was a risk I felt confident taking.

Soccer taught me so much more than just how to kick a ball. Soccer taught me self discipline, how to work hard, how to self motivate, independence, and the importance of mindset.

So who am I? A question I am unable to answer because I’m still figuring that out myself through the illusions I create. With my mind I control where my thoughts lead me. Soccer was the base to the strengthening of my mind.

Through my writing I am able to put these thoughts onto paper for others to read. I have a strong mind with a unique sense of creativity and that is why I write so easily without structure. I think for myself and all my thoughts and opinions are authentic and that’s what sets my writing apart from others. The voice of my writing is my mind rather than what I say out loud. The inner-workings of my brain and how I use my thoughts to determine my illusions. I include as much emotion in my writing as I can to try and enhance my voice and what I feel. Your thoughts determine your actions, and within my writing voice I show how my mind works and the importance mentality holds in my life.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”

- Orson Welles