I woke up today

I woke up today...

Feeling better than I did yesterday and the past few yesterday’s. I appreciate it.

I inhale consciously and thank my body for feeling something other than unworthiness and meaninglessness or simply nothing at all.

I smile.

It was still a struggle to actually leave the house but I did and it’s because I looked outside at the sky and felt something.

It’s been pretty grey outside for the longest time, outside but also within my being.

I’ve been glad it’s been grey and wet, there’s no expectations then. You just go with the flow and take the best of what the day gives you and especially when you feel grey inside then there are no disappointments to be made. It’s like the universe saying, ‘it’s okay not to be okay.’

Today I looked outside and felt something. Today the sky was blue and the clouds were out, the sunshine peaked through and I felt excited for the days to come. Something I don’t feel often or haven’t felt in a long while.

Do you ever look at the sky and feel like you’re looking at another version of yourself? I describe it this way because it’s the best way to describe the intense connection that I feel.

For the past several years I’ve resonated more with winter; the cold, the rain, the darkness, I’ve waited for it, literally have counted the days for it and embraced it when it's arrived.

As soon as it would hit March I would feel myself starting to detach, I would feel so much pressure to be something, to feel happy that summer is on its way because the truth at the time was I really did not want summer to come at all. The long, sunny days made it impossible for me to hide. Like I’d be exposed for everyone to see without having the choice.

I would suffer through the day, desperately waiting for the sun to set and night to descend so that I could finally be free.

I would look up to my friend, the moon.

You see the moon had been my company on many lonely walks, when everyone had disappointed or rejected me, or I had disappointed and rejected them.

I’d come outside maybe to cry, maybe to just dwell in my pain. Sometimes I would think of running away but where would I run to? It was pain I wanted to run from but that follows you wherever you go.

On my loneliest nights, the moon listened to my cries, my doubts, my fears. It was my companion as I unraveled and then put myself back together again, over and over again.

I could just be me.

The moon is what I longed to be. -Breathtaking.

Every night it’s beauty is different, it’s always changing but still it's beauty remains the same.

And as long as the moon was visible to me, I felt safe, I felt guided, I felt heard and comforted.

The dark is where I felt free. Where there are no people, there is no noise. There is just me and the moon and nothing.

Today I felt excited for the coming days. Optimistic even. Because brighter days are coming and for the first time in years I feel open and free in that notion. I looked up at the sky and recognised myself, or at least that aspect of my self. The grey within me melted and I experienced the day for what it was, the only moment that truly exists.

I breathed in, conscious of my lungs, taking in all the smells and the feelings associated with them, all the memories that came by and visited me. I felt beauty in every step, in every breath.

I felt reconnected.

I embrace every moment of positivity that I get with all my being. It’s not a constant for me. I could cry the moment I feel joy or excitement and I often do cry because I’m so grateful for those moments and in those instants I am glad to be alive, I am glad to exist.

I woke up today.

Grateful to existence.