I Was Emotionally Destoryed!!

🙋🏾‍♂️There, Beautiful People of the Internet. I am writing this note to you on day seventeen of Feburary, day forty eight of twenty twenty, and day eighty two before my thirty sixth birthday. So here on this day, I decided I should take this moment to make a confession. I have not been well these past forty eight days. I have been trapped inside an emotional vortex, and like a rapped 2007 market crash, so were the days of my life. I found myself just going through the motions, trying to convience myself I was fine. I was like a dude on the field who was determined to play despite the ravaging pains. For forty eight days, I powered through confusion; through frustration, through anger, and YES.. For Forty eight days, I powered through Hurt.

Here I am at day forty eight, getting weaker, and weaker by the minuet, still trying to power through, still trying to continue to play, still believing I could defeat this just by not quiting. I was gonna do it, even though emotionally I was dying, the pain was over taking me, the hurt and anger consuming me, and for the first time in forty eight days, the first time in nearly four hundred and twelve days, I EDB found myself not being able to go.. My grandmother, sat me down to the kitchen table, she looked me square in the eyes, and said “BABY, you can defeat this, but you gotta deal with it, you gotta take the time to deal with everything that is killing you, before it completely destroys you”

It is hard when you get to a point where everyone is gunning for you. Your name is being thrown around like chips on a craps table. It is hard when you find yourself having to think you need to defend yourself. It is hard when you have to hear, and know of people who are jealous of you, just because of who you are, and what you desire to be. Everyone who tell me, how much people were jealous of me, I never understood it, what did I do to trigger these kinds of emotions? Who I am for people to be jealous of? 😳😳 Notice to the emojis, that was the look on my grandmothers face, everytime I asked her. That look was then followed by 👉🏾🤯🤬. She would then ask me a question, which brought a chill to my spine!! Baby, Are you Depressed?? These are three words, no one alive wants to hear, but everyone alive needs to at some point address.

My grandmother then asked me another question! She said, Do you not have confidence in yourself? 😳😳😳. Before you answer she said, LET ME.. The answer is NO. It was at this moment, I had to realize.. I don’t believe in myself anymore. I have fought for over a decade, proving time and time again who I am, and what I was created to be, only to get here, and lose hope..

My career thus far has been anything short of amazing. I have been fortunate to be in the company of some of the regions most powerful forces, only to start listening to ignorance, and be fed stupidity, which would ultimately serve as the assans bullet eliminating everything I have been allowed to build. I listened to voices, who told me people were using me, who fed me lies, that I knew wasn’t true, but didn’t have the courage to prove. I sat everyday and was fed a leathal dose of posion, which slowly began to eat away at my very soul.

This town I live in is a monster, and this world is her BIG BROTHER. I don’t know who likes me or doesn’t I don’t know who is for me or against, but this I do know; I have two friends I can always count on, ONE being stronger than the other. I know the ignorance that once held me down has been removed, the poison drained, and my confidence is being restored. EDB is on his way back.

I share this message, because I believe the world is due an appology, I believe those close to me are due an appology. It doesn’t matter what you feel about me, it is how I feel about you. You have every right to like, or hate me, but I do not in good conscience have the right to respond with evil, or live with anger buried in my soul.. I like people, I feel they are the planets greatest gift. I believe my love for people, it was brought me to this dance, and its my love for people that will lead me on... But in loving people, I know sometimes you have to love them from a distance, in the words of my aunt, you gotta bless em and release em.. So I am cautious now of who advises me, more closed to who I communicate with. Not everyone will understand who I am, or even who you are. Those people are not worth your time. Only the ones who are willing to put in the effort, who look beyond your faults, and see you potential. They are the one we need to hold close..

I sold myself for a pink hamburger, just because I didn’t have the confidence to believe I didn’t have too..