I want to fall in-Love...again.

Like I was six years old, I ran to my living room and picked out a red construction paper and on it I glued a white paper and folded it in half to make a homemade card; I looked up things to write but nothing looked right or sounded right, and so I ventured into writing what I was feeling; yet again, in disillusion, because as much as I wanted this to be a love story, it's a lesson.

I have a habit of writing the tittle first on my entries, and from there it flows, today it was flowing in a direction I found depressing and so as I wrote the last paragraph which became the first paragraph, I stopped myself and smiled; I don't want to have a pity party, I want to write about my future as if it's here, happening, as I write, manifesting if you will.

The truth is the wires between my intuition and my sabotaging alarms are screw up, and so I've created Elephant; Elephant is sometimes my friend but most times negative Nancy, it re-reads messages, it makes up scenes in my head out of rejection, it truly deserves a Grammy for it's continuity in supporting me through my feelings.

I've been working over time on understanding Elephant, creating a safe space for it to feel heard and for us to find a way to connect in a way I've yet to figure out; in the middle of the longest text message I've received in years, the words jumped out at me; " you need to connect with self before trying to connect with anyone else " this I already knew, somehow thoughts in my head don't hurt as much as someone outside of me voicing them out loud.

I spent days on those wires, hours thinking about the amount of terror I felt re-reading the same messages, until I talked myself through each casing point brought up; I can be too much, I truly can, and at first this hit me right on the face, because the thought of someone asking me to tone down how I love seemed hurtful, it seemed careless, unsympathetic; but then as I kept re-reading, I bumped into " You want people to care for you when and how you want them to " and this is a thousand percent the truth, my love language is not one nor all 5 of them, my love language is giving me as much or more then what I am giving you, selfish. I know.

I then was forced to look at my patterns, having control of how someone feels about me is a high co-mechanism that I've used way too many times without precaution, I mean look at my marriage; almost 1o years of building and I just walked away when it was no longer serving me, or who I thought I was, instead of working to repair it, I stuffed garbage bags with memories I once hugged while dancing, I cut ties as if I was a monster and now, almost 6 years later, I am finally understanding the consequences of those actions.

I've been thinking heavily about love and why I always seem to sabotage it, I've come across great people, amazing relationships that I am sure if giving the chance would've turned out into beautiful love stories; but instead of allowing love to wash over me and take over, I fought it, time and time again, until it left my heart like a laundromat at 3 am.

I used to be him, unable to communicate or deal with any assortment of feeling's talk, it was like sitting through 45 minutes of your most hated subject in school; but then, I connected with little Lucy and I learned that speaking my feelings at loud meant Elephant had nothing to sabotage.

I no longer think that someone needs to be obsess with me in order for me to show my feelings, I am learning that non verbals also matter, a text in the middle of the day to check how my day is going, or a ted talk mid dinner, I've seen love, I've felt it, and even now I have a growing relationship with someone who has been there for me more than some of the people I consider my favorites. Someone who hates the fact that they don't get the me, he gets. Someone who in the midst of a rush shut my feelings down but has been a friend- first ever since, someone who as I smile not to cry about " he doesn't care " pity party, shakes their head and whispers ' he must be stupid '.

Do I think he is? No, I think everyone is allowed to love and care for whomever they want, and as I said in the beginning, as much as I might want him to send me flowers at work, to chose me instead of a game or friends I will never have the power to, I am okay with the reminder that, the way I love and care is not the way people will love me and care for me, I remind myself that whatever I decide to participate on is not a reflection of how I love and care for me; I don't judge myself for getting giddy as soon as I see him, I don't judge myself for not wanting to snooze while he is around, because I know how much I'll miss him, I know that as soon as he walks out, the fairy tale ends and I am back in court with Elephant.

I know I will get the flowers, I know I'll get the dances, I know I'll get all the hours, I know because I am willing to give them too. I want to fall in-love so deep that the alarm on my phone at 5am makes me smile and skip to the bathroom to get ready for another day, for another opportunity to love hard.

XOXO

Lucy