7PM Wrestle With My Self-Loathing

I tried again, second chances are far from the branches my sanity can deal with but I tried again, because after all, it was not all one sided; my instability and inability to express myself correctly had me acting like a fool, and so here we are both standing in front of each other questioning next steps; it feels like an HR intervention.

Most days it's all about consistency, other times are about the past peeking in and times when we both are radio silent, you know that saying:

"Stop initiating and see how long it takes for them to notice"

Re-reading text messages, the bubbles don't match, I give 70, you only reply; saying things like " 20 is hilarious " really tested my patience today; I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but truth be told, my gut has been screaming at me since the moment I decided to reach out.

Truth is watching my steps around you, making sure I don't reach your annoying restrictions have been draining me, do you know how hard it is to be quiet, to not say how I feel because I care about your feelings, no wait, you don't, because when it comes to guarding mine, you treat it like a basketball game, I have no defense.

I am not mad about my celibacy breaking, I am mad at self for trying again after it was you who walked away from me, it was you who broke my trust, it was you who thought them bitches at the clubs were baddies but a 20 is 'great confidence' for me; my mind, my body, everything I am doesn't even match the table you bring, gunning down my confidence when all I do is stroke yours, is insane.

The thing is, I look at you and see so much of me, I see the anger, I see the pain, I see the scars that people have left behind, and you are right, I can't fix everything; Bob the builder would be out of a job if I did.

It's bittersweet to be back here, though I am here with a new outlook, I am still the Queen without protection in the middle of a chess board; it was beautiful to finally nap around you, my inner child found her playing buddy, they went on a field trip on Sunday.

I am tired. Tired of protecting you while ignoring me. Tired of taking it slow, taking my thoughts slow because nothing is brewing, you don't even ask me about my day. Over compensating, over sharing, I've tried to not mind the chasing games, I want to feel like the prize, you make me feel like the last thing on your mind.

I am sad, but not angry, I am happy I can finally go through my day even when I don't hear from you from 8pm to almost 11am the next day, I remember this used to be top tier anxiety. I am happy I am not expecting as much as I once did, because I can't take the 'good guy' card from you, but I can definitely take the ' you don't deserve me ' entitlement. I guess this time it really hit me, fucking with you is like untreated mental illness.

I am sorry I am not the one, I am sorry you don't consider me a 20, it took me way too long and way too much pain to learn how to love all of me, so I be damn if my feelings for you pin me on the ground, leaving me hopeless while you feel like a 21 year old chasing casamigos shots and being the clown wing man for you homeboys; almost 40, but who am I to call you out, out of jealousy, right?

That was triggering.

XOXO

Lucy