I've Lost Myself

I don't think we ever really know who we are until we've been through some shit. And let me tell you, I've been through some real tough shit in my life that I can clearly say I know who I am. But lately I have absolutely no idea who the hell I am.

I think I left myself back home when I moved out of state. I came out here thinking I was going to grow up and change my ways and be this better version of myself. But instead, all I got was this quiet, sad young woman who doesn't know where her place is in this world.

Every person I meet I feel this need to make them like me so I put my true self aside and try to be someone else, someone I don't recognize or even like. When did I become this person that needs validation from others to feel okay in life? I literally have no idea where my true self went. Where that ambitious, I rule the world, type of personality went. But I sure as hell want it back.

I want to feel again, I want to have drive again. I want to feel excited about life again, I want people to feel my vibe and be drawn towards me. To want to be near me and surrounded by my vibrant energy. But I've lost it somewhere and I don't know how to get it back.

I've let the good parts of me fade away, I've shoved them so far down to become different and to grow up, but all it's done is cause me to hate life. People want stability and to settle down and do the whole family thing. But most people find misery that way.

They spend their days working a job they hate, go home to a house that's too expensive, and to a family that's too busy so you spend very little time with them. Then you go to sleep and do the day all over again until you're 85 looking back on your life wondering where the time went. This is the life I've always avoided having, I always wanted to be different and live differently than everybody. I wanted to live happy and that's it, just simply happy.

Yet, somehow I ended up falling into a trap and started wanting your standard, normal life. I wanted this normal life so bad that I gave up the good parts of me. I gave up the real me to pursue this typical adult life that everybody dreams of. But this life just isn't who I am, it's not something I've ever been, or ever will be. I'm incapable of being that person. It might work for most, but it just doesn't work for me.

I need to quit letting other people's visions of life get in my way. Just because we don't see eye to eye on how to live doesn't mean any of us are doing life wrong, it just means we're doing it to our own drum.

Hearing people tell me, you've changed, you've become a grown up, or wow you're living life right for once. All while being uncomfortable and drowning myself in misery because I want people to accept me and be proud of me.

But sorry fuck all that! I'm over it, I'm over wanting validation. I don't need it or do I fucking want it? I'm me and I absolutely love who I am. I don't want to change and I honestly don't think I need to change.

I just need to find my focus again and pursue the life I want, the life that's going to make me happy. The life that I can smile back on when I'm 80 sitting in my rocking chair at the old folks home telling my great grandchildren all about my wild life.

Life is about being happy, it's not about making others happy or pleasing your friends and family, it's about your happiness within yourself. I lost track of this because I wanted people to look at me, respect me, and like me, but honestly, who truly gives a fuck what others think? I mean, come on, what value could their opinions possibly bring to your life?

So here's to me realizing that I just need to be myself, focus on who I really am, and to just be that person. Fuck what anyone thinks of me. I'm a damn llama running wild with my tongue out enjoying my weirdness.