I'm losing my Mind

I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my creativity, my imagination, my ability to pay attention. My favorite hobbies have become work, the thought of opening my laptop and writing something has become I’m losing my mind. I’m losing my creativity, my imagination, my ability to pay attention. My favorite hobbies have become work, the thought of opening my laptop and writing something has become intimidating when it was so easy before. I tell myself that I’ll write something tomorrow and that has turned into four months. I could blame all the stresses in life, but it is more than that. I am so overwhelmed with the overconsumption of media, it is hard for me to think for myself sometimes. One of the first pieces of advice I received in college was “Keep writing and if you are not writing, then read. Don’t waste your time on social media and by watching Tik Toks because those are not feeding your creativity.” And they were right. I used to be able to read a complete book series in a day, but now I can’t go a couple chapters without picking up my phone. Not even two hundred words in while writing this piece, I picked up my phone and started scrolling through Tik Tok. Do I retain anything that I see on Tik Tok or Facebook? Do I really remember video after video that I see in the span of 5 minutes? Absolutely not. Then why do I do it?

It’s easy to just sit and do nothing but consume social media and to “live” through the lives of complete strangers. It’s always easier to do nothing, but it’s more than doing nothing. It’s doing nothing and moving backwards. I think of all the wasted opportunities and the missed creations I could have completed if I had opened my laptop or brought out my paints. It makes me extremely sad and distressed to think I’m losing my imagination and my creativity. Maybe I am losing it, but who says I can’t gain in back?

I write this not to not be discouraging to myself or anyone else struggling with their creativity, but to also be encouraging. Just by acknowledging to myself that I am struggling is relieving. By admitting to myself that I have the attention of a five year old without the unrestrained imagination I can start to change the way I use my time and how to gain myself back. I started with deleting Tik Tok off my home screen, not completely only because I know I would inevitably download it again. Just by removing it off my home screen, my muscle memory takes a second to find it which snaps me back to reality to not just watch it for the sake of watching something. I know I am not a mindless robot that is just thinking, “GIVE ME TIK TOK”, but its easy to just slip into bad habits. I also started journaling before bed instead of watching Tik Toks. I have a couple different ones depending on how much I can think for myself or if I need to write to a silly prompt. If my laptop is feeling to too intimidating, I can just jot something down on paper instead. I also brought out my art supplies so I can see them in my house. They aren’t tucked away so I can conveniently forget about them. When I read, I have started leaving my phone in another room so I don’t get immediately distracted. Just by creating the perfect ambience with classical music and a fireplace I can actually sit and read for long periods of time.

It makes me hopeful that I can gain myself back. I have hobbies, I have an imagination, and I can create. I’m writing this as a promise to myself that I will do better.