I choose me

Memories flashing through my head constantly. Childhood escapades, old friends, childs play. People no longer with us, come to mind and are quite clear. A lifetime of living gone in the blink of an eye. Time, a made up construct, slipping away, taking our youth with it. Future unwavering in the soul, yet in our minds we are always wondering what is going to happen.

We try to control the people in our lives, even if we don't try, it's what we are conditioned to do. We want those we love to treat us how we treat them and we focus on respect and trust. We hold on because we love. We want to hold on to those we love, we want them to think like us, make choices like us. Life isn't like that though.

We grow apart, we make different choices that take us down different paths, we learn lessons and take steps towards what we want in life to make us happy. We hit walls, we get hurt, we get the rug ripped out from under us, leaving us alone to rebuild our lives.

We can choose to stay behind, we can hide in our own fears, not wanting to move forward. Afraid of what might be, running from what used to be. The years still ticking away as we run in circles, never learning, never growing. We keep ourselves protected by making the same choices in every situation. What we don't realize is, that if we don't make different choices, if we don't learn anything and grow and move forward, nothing will ever change. We will spend our entire lives, never being who and what we are really capable of.

Fear. We all have it and sometimes we don't even know it. Love we also all have it and sometimes we don't even know it. We were all raised by other souls who were just doing the best they could with who they are. They damaged us, others damaged us, we damage each other everyday, with hurtful words and thoughts. We are greedy, depressed, and out of touch with the earth.

Love. We all have it and sometimes we choose to keep it inside, not share for not wanting to get hurt. We don't love ourselves because we are too busy loving things, loving other beings, loving the world we've created around us. We look in the mirror and find flaws and hear voices in our heads of every negative word spoken to us. We don't look at ourselves with love, but with ego.

Love. I found it within. I found it as I lay in the darkness, shattered. Fighting to want to live. Apologizing for living. Apologizing for breathing. I found it within when I was told I had every right to be there, by a stranger on the street, probably and angel or a guide. We have help from the universe everyday. Nothing is accident, nothing coincedence. We are always right where we are meant to be because we create our own world and our perception is each our own. We are one. Branched off in a billion ways. Living a life of experience, love, kindness. Humans.

I found love when I looked in the mirror, for the beauty my eyes have seen, the work my hands have done, the kindness I have seen, the quiet mornings working in my yard, listening to the birds sing and feeling the sun on my face and the breeze through my hair. I found love with the beauty around me, the pain inside of me, the love I see in my own eye. I am worthy. I always was.

Words do hurt but it's up to us, to choose us. I choose me. I choose to love me, take care of me. I choose to do the things that make me happy even if it doesn't make sense to others. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy reading , and writing, and meditating and walking around a pond, or or even just the nighborhood. I enjoy hiking in the mountains and most of all i enjoy the complete peace of walking along the beach. The ocean stretched out for what seems like infinity. I enjoy nature.

I enjoy setting goals and getting them accomplished. Setting more goals, taking more steps forward. I enjoy celebrating special moments and milestones in my life and others that I love. I enjoy having company now and then making memories and sharing laughs.

I enjoy a feeling of peace and quiet. I want to hear my breath as I take it and my world around me. The childrens laughter as they run down the road, reminding me of my youth. The birds singing, not giving a care of yesterday or tomorrow, just grateful for today.

I choose me, the peace in my heart, the calm in my soul. I choose me. I choose to keep moving forward, to keep rising higher. I choose to smile and explore and learn. I choose to forgive and accept and move forward without all the judgements of the world around me.

I am not perfect, we have all judged someone at one time or another, but if we are actively growing and choosing to not judge, choosing to accept all with all their flaws as well, but also choosing to have people around us that want us to be better, get better, have better. We have to choose us and not what we are running from or what we are searching for.

I am creating my life right now and I want that life to be full of love, acceptance, forgiveness. and most of all peace. I recently learned that I was taking my peace for granted, I was also taking my blessings for granted. I have been learning that lesson over again. I am making different choices though because it's just a lesson and I am ascending, rising like a phoenix into a new me.

I choose me. I choose to eat what I want, live how I want, live in peace, work in my yard, play in the dirt, hike in the forest and visit the beach that calls my name and washes the worlds stress away. I choose me with my infectious loud laugh. I choose my blue eyes that have always loved staring at the stars. I choose my big heart that loves hard and forgives over and over again. I choose being kind to myself and others, I choose me. I choose to be me even when those around me don't feel right. I choose to smile my big smile that everyone complements. I choose to love me.

When I love me it doesn't matter who does not. It doesn't matter what's going on around me as long as I love me and what's going on inside of me. When I love me I can sit quietly or in a room full of people and be able to control me, my thoughts, my emotions, my own world around me.

I choose me. I choose to let go of love I cherish but is going no where. Love that only means anything to me. Love I've held inside all of my life. Love that hurts me, holds me, tugs at me, chases me, finds me. I need to let go. I need to make different choices so that I can have what I am needing at the places I am going.

I choose me. I have walked through the darkness finding peices of me. I have put the peices back alone, peice by peice, filling it with light and love. I have focused on me being better. A brighter future, a different choice made. Moving forward, growing, learning and rising.

I choose me. I choose to sit quietly over sitting in a room of people that didn't feel right to me, justs because they give me attention. I choose to have one friend over a room full of people only being my friend for the benefit it gives them. I choose me.

So this weekend was an eye opener. I used to feel so left out, so unwanted, til the moment you all walked in the door. The frequency was not at all right, I had control of my emotions, I acted with kindness and acceptance. I watched all going on around me and I absorbed it all in. The noise, the drama, the chaos. I took it in and realized finally that I was never missing out. I was being sheltered if anything. This is not where I want to be anyway. This is not the frequency I want to keep.

The drama, the chaos, the noise. I don't miss that life, I used to be there so miserable and depressed. So fake and stuck. I chose me. I chose to climb, and climb and keep on climbing. I chose to see the goodness in me. I chose me. I chose to let go of anything holding me back. I walked away from jobs, friends, and family. I chose me.

The love I hold on to will always be, but I have to let go of you finally and just choose me. I choose to love the person that wants to get better. The person who doesn't want to hurt myself or others. I chose the person who includes everyone, who doesn't use people for anything. I choose me and the person I know I am. I choose love.

It breaks my heart that you choose others. It breaks my heart that you choose attention instead of loving yourself and walking away, moving forward toward a better life for you. It hurts my soul that you would rather continue on the same path, keep living the shit show. It breaks my heart but there isn't anything I can do. Except choose me.

So I wish you all the best. I love you always with all my heart and soul, but I choose me. I choose me.