I Blame Covid On Everything

I contracted Covid about 3 weeks ago and since that time, I have had 2 weeks off work (yes!), had to spend time at home with my partner and two toddlers (Bonus!), I spent more time writing and taking time for myself (it felt amazing) and experiencing what seems to be like a mild depression (it is something new).

This week was the first time I went back to work, and I felt a little down. I was still friendly but I felt like time was on my side, in the sense that I was very slow to move whereas usually at work I was usually quite swift. I also noticed I was self doubting myself whereas usually I would be confident and certain. This happened when another nurse asked if she could bring a few patients to us to cannulate. Then I said,"Umm, yes but the other nurse will probably have to do it as my accuracy level is at 25%."

Then my other colleague standing there said,"No, come on stop it."

Then it occurred to me that I just said a self-doubt expression out loud, making me aware that my self-worth was sinking lower than usual.

So all of these little micro incidences of self awareness gave me a little insight into how I was feeling. Just two days ago, after coming home from work, I spoke to my partner and admitted I think I have depression.

My partner is a wise man in my eyes- my partner studied psychology for 3 years and he is the number one person I go to for advice if I have any troubles.

"What we tell ourselves is a narration. So if you tell yourself you have depression, that is fine. But if you just feel without the label, it is another narration."

Well I had to contemplate on that for a while.

Today I woke up still low but instead of worrying about something perceived to be wrong, I got up and just felt the energy in my body. I only spoke if I needed to in order to conserve my energy which was precious as I found I was so unmotivated to move. It was like I was walking through invisible mud. The energy was dense. I sat a lot and I noticed I wasn't very affectionate. Even though, I still didn't perceive anything was wrong. Then I had a micro nap and woke up and spent time the boys. With them I started to open up more and I took it easy. I just did whatever they wanted if it was within reason but I noticed I also held firm boundaries. I said no when I really didn't want them to do something or if I didn't feel like doing something but I still largely went along with what they wanted. Then I put on Wall-E and prepared dinner and they ate. Then they showered and by then my partner arrived to dry them and prepare them for bed.

After they slept, me and my partner spent the next few hours together. We had conversations, ate together and connected.

It was a good day all in all. In the past I would have put a ton of labels over feeling low in energy. I would say things like "You're lazy, your a bad mother, a bad partner etc" Yet I was feeling a bit depressed and was awfully harsh on myself, making me sometimes more angry or much more isolated.

Yet today was probably the first time in a while that I have been able to have low energy levels and not beat myself up. I took it really nice and slow and it was actually a very nice experience.

This is a new feeling, one I haven't experienced before. I have never felt so unapologetically slow before. The effects of my Covid experience has been overall positive. That may sound strange, but contracting this virus has been a very great teacher for me.