I Am Ready To Take the Warrior’s Journey of Self-discovery.

I scour the floor on my hands and knees muttering obscenities under my breath.

I have a boiling point and I’ve hit it. Is it stress? The holidays? Pain that I haven’t acknowledged?

I am always self-medicating. I am long term sober from illicit drugs and any type of alcohol but always feel the need to take the edge off anyway that I can, whether it be a new supplement promising a calmer demeanor or a powder I can throw in my smoothie with some type of magic mushroom or adaptogen that promises me new clarity and confidence.

I may be a sucker for all the marketing, but I want to believe I can go the natural route. I want to believe that my moods and outbursts, my hypervigilance and what if’s, my constant catastrophizing aren’t too much for my family, but I fear soon it will be too much to bear.

I grew up in a household where I walked on eggshells. I could never do anything right. I worried about fights erupting in the night and my parents lived a dull dark life filled with anything that would make them feel different and by different I mean to not feel at all.

We all know that after using drinks or drugs to snuff life out that the morning eventually comes and the cycle repeats itself with misery, more depression, more guilt, and inevitably shame.

My life today is way different from the life I grew up in, but to be honest my thought life is suffering.

My brain screams obscenities to me as I clean the floor. You are unworthy, you are worthless. Why do you even try? You will never amount to anything. You aren’t good enough. I sit on the floor with tears in my eyes riddled with the words I heard as a child.

I have recovery. I have tools. I’ve spent years in therapy, but it always comes back to that glaring voice in my head. I have learned to recognize its lies and shoo them away, but like dust in the attic, they presumably own that place.

I look normal from the outside, whatever that means, but inside my head is a scary place.

I share this because I want others to know they are not alone. I have this gaping hole in my soul that is tiring to keep up with. I fill it in a myriad of ways, but happiness eludes me. I find myself once again hiding under the covers overstimulated by the outside world. The world that moves too fast and fills up the parking lots at every store so they can get more, more, more.

I have a feeling that if we stopped using so many things to distract us that many of us would fall within this similar category. If we just stopped and put our phones down, turned the TV off, and stopped stuffing our faces, we might find we are pretty empty and lonely inside.

Many are on a journey of self-discovery. We want to find our authentic selves underneath the rubble. I love the idea of that. I love the idea of excavating all of my rough parts, my triggers, my grief, my emotional reactions, and finding the rare gem underneath. I truly do.

But this shit is hard. It’s like trudging up a giant hill and along the way stopping to commiserate about this hero’s journey. Many people are going through this life with blinders on. They only see what they want to or they are too afraid to fully live so they do what those before them have always done.

We get stuck in our cycles of trudging to work and zoning out with our phones or in front of the television while eating comfort food, too hypnotized to snap out of it. The days continue on like this until the bitter end when we look back and wish we could have been more present.

Don’t get me wrong this life feels bumpy. I need a reprieve too. I suffer more than I believe I need to and for me purchasing things new always promises to change my mental outlook, but time after time the feeling is fleeting and I find myself hitting ‘buy now’ or standing in line with something that promises me the confidence I crave.

I am working on being more conscious of my thoughts.

I am reading a book called, Between Two Kingdoms by Suleika Jaouad.

This is a heart rendering story about someone who it seemed had it all at a young age with a Princeton degree and an abundance of opportunities. She was bilingual and started a new job in Paris, found love, and then was diagnosed with a cancer that has ravaged her life at the young age of 22.

I sit in my own muck and mire and think it really isn’t so bad. Yeah, my upbringing left a lot to be desired. I have no parents or siblings to enjoy life with, but I am here. I am not in a mental hospital (currently.) I am not in jail or in a hospital bed.

That is a glorious discovery. I could be in any of those places, but I get to live my life with freedom today. I get to sit on my sofa with a blanket and a laptop and write my heart out. I get to spend time with my family even when they may think I am old and dumb (teens).

I get to find a connection to a higher power versus running all over town looking for that next new shiny thing that promises contentment.

I get to look out of my window and see the sunshine over the roofs of nearby homes.

I get to see the snowfall and the stars shine.

My freedom is infinite.

The only thing holding me back is my own mind. My own brain that turns on me again and again.

If I can overcome my thinking it will set me worlds apart from my feelings of being stuck and divided.

If I can learn to look within with compassion and find more love for my hurting child inside.

These are the steps we take to get well. These are the steps we take to heal. This is the warrior’s journey.

I will take it because I don’t think I am alone. I know many will join me.

I am ready, are you?