Today Is the Day We Begin To Love Ourselves.

When I look back at photos of myself I always see my flaws. I remember how I felt that day and pick apart my awkward smile and chubby arms. I remember thinking what an ugly picture. My eyes are so squinty. I wish I was taller. She looks so skinny and pretty next to me.

I think with time I have come more fully into myself. I have found my inner beauty and in turn my outer. My insecurity was so glaring in those photos. I remember vividly in each one feeling like I wasn’t pretty or skinny enough. I remember feeling like I didn’t fit in.

How is confidence built? Is it through interactions when we are children? Is it while we are in utero? Is it when we first come out, by how much or how little we were nurtured?

How do we find our self-assurance so that we know we have inherent worth?

A mother’s love? A father’s warm embrace?

I missed out on that and I think that’s why I personally have felt so screwed up my whole life. I ran to drugs and alcohol to feel that void. I ran to men and was seductive to feel whole. I ran to food and shopping to hide my glaring defects.

Now here I am at 45 years old. Finally finding my true self. Finally feeling like I can be authentically me and not a sheepish girl too afraid to speak up.

I remember Oprah saying many years ago that the 40s are so great because you stop caring what other people think. I don’t know, I am still anxious about social situations, but it has improved. I am more aware for sure and more in tune with myself and others. I know how to speak up now. I know how to read a room better. I know how to dissect my emotions and I know how to feel versus running to distractions somewhat better than I have in the past.

My insecurity I would say is my most glaring defect. Not seeing my worth and in turn, feeling small and insignificant. Not believing I am worth good things, not believing I am worth celebrating.

I almost have a scared feeling when good things happen to me. I start to feel excited and then talk myself down. It’s like I am too scared to celebrate or feel happy. That I am more comfortable in the doom and gloom of my emotions.

When I look at my children I have so much love for them. I would never want them to tear themselves apart as I do to myself. I wonder if this lack of confidence will stick with me forever. I worry that I will be too worried and insecure to enjoy my life. That I will be so preoccupied with feeling low that my life passes me by and I lay on my death bed wishing I would have taken more chances and felt more free, less inhibited by my worries and insecurities, and less afraid to take chances.

I hereby renounce playing small and fear. I renounce not loving every part of me and needing outside material items to make me feel enough. I hereby announce that I am going to be set free of this lack of self-love and beating myself up. I am announcing that today I begin to love myself and commit to standing tall in my worthiness.

This is an open invitation to anyone who is ready to put their best foot forward towards self-love and compassion towards ourselves. We are beautiful and worthy and we don't need to wait until anyone tells us so. We can begin to tell ourselves and believe it.