How to Cope with Grief and the Loss of a Loved One

Grieving the loss of our loved ones is like a never ending battle with ourselves. The pain is deep and our wounds are fresh, yet we manage to survive another day without their presence. In such times of tribulation we go through multiple stages of grief, until we are not yet healed but rather saved; for when we lose someone we love, we almost die with them. A part of us is gone, some parts perhaps you may never retrieve. However, we all have a choice to fight through the battle and cope with our emotions. We can learn how to take it one day at a time, or how I like to call it, one breath at a time. By sharing my very own past experience of how I coped with my pain and struggles, I hope doing so will help shed light on anyone who is struggling and in need of some answers. The past few months have been the most difficult I’ve had to face. My patience, strengths, and weaknesses all have been tested. I have watched my universe flip upside down and have gotten to see life, the grand world I live in, and everything around me change dramatically, causing a shift in the way I see things, and influencing my perspective on living, dying, and all in between. I now see things in a new light because of it, almost like I have a new pair of eyes, seeing for the first time.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Dragging myself through these five stages was challenging to say the least physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Loss

When you experience loss, you will never be the same exact person you once were. Once the news have been broken to you, a piece of you will forever be lost. Our hearts are made up of how much care and love we have for the people in our lives. If one of them leaves us, a piece of our hearts leave with them. And we cannot get it back. If you think about who we are, you will realize we are the memories we have created and shared with others and the times we have lived experiencing those memories are essentially who we are.

Raw

For the sake of being open and honest and completely raw—because that is my intention to share with everyone the loss I suffered and how I found my way back—to be vulnerable and lay everything out is never an easy thing to do. However, I believe it helps you grow, heal, and accept what has come to be. You see, I never thought I would lose my grandfather at the time that I did. Death has always been a gray area for me because I never lost a person I cared about or loved until now. Consciously, you don't go out and leave home thinking it will be the last time you ever get to see that person. We just don't operate like that. With daily expectations and the hustle and bustle of every day life, we get so distracted. Even though death is a natural process in life that we all experience at some point in our lives, we just don't wake up in the morning thinking today can potentially be the last day I will see that person or hear their voice or hold them.

Lightning...

When it hits you, it strikes your mind, body, spirit, and all that surrounds you. On February 28, 2018 my family and I were struck. It struck our home, our lives, and just like any home we had to rebuild what was knocked down.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my grandfather or the sweet memories he has left behind. It is tough describing the whirlwind of emotions I have been feeling, and even more nerve racking to talk about how I feel and to whom I choose to pour my heart out to. For this exact reason, I have decided to share with the world what these devastating moments in my life have been like for me and how I survived through it. I never thought I could…

Survive

Encountering an intimacy with death for the first time has made me see life in a new light; just without the light in it. The turn of events that occurred shattered my world. There was a time when I had my whole family by my side, living, breathing, and well. Never did I once realize that all the moments we share together are temporary and it can all be taken away. I was living in a bubble. I didn’t realize it then, although I do now.

At the time, I was carrying myself through life focusing on everything but the present.

My perception of reality was safe and secure, feeling like the world around me is as it should be, similar to how a bubble floats so blindly, completely unaware of its surroundings. Everything felt normal. I lived my daily life and kept going. Until something pokes at the bubble and poof, it just so effortlessly dissolves into thin air, without time or warning.

And so does life.

We can lose a life in an instant, without more time or a fair warning. Death sneaks up on us, spine chilling, and screams at you that is has come to collect. Unfortunately, sometimes we can do nothing to change the matter, but watch as our loved ones leave this world behind. It is a difficult pain to endure when someone you love and care for is about to take their last breath. I felt like the carpet has been pulled from underneath me and nothing and no one can help me get off the ground.

That is how I felt when I was holding my grandfather’s hand. The same hand that had fed me when I was a child was getting colder by the minute as his temperature was dropping and I felt his pulse slowly rest in my hands. I sat there as I watched his breath slow, until he breathed his last. I knew that it was over, that our time together had come to an end. I felt it in my heart; my goodbye was silently heard and recognized by him, through the touch of our hands that were crossing over one another bonding in the last moments of his life. He was there for me when I was taking my first few breaths into this world and I was there for him as I watched him take his last.

We simply live and die...

It was then that I had experienced a twisted intimacy with this intertwining relationship between life and death. I realized what it truly meant to be alive and how to stay alive despite it all. After that night, everything became a blur. I can hardly recall half the conversations I have had with anyone during the funeral and the services we had held at our house every Thursday night in remembrance of my grandfather. There were crowds of people there for support. They would come up to me and stand by me and hold my hand and give me warm hugs. Honestly, I felt as though I was suffocating on the inside. I just wanted the pain to go away but it never did. It never really does go away....

The Pain

I cried for hours, days, and I still cry now. Although, one very crucial thing preserved my sanity and allowed me to see life from a different perspective. Ironically, pain… I felt it every step of the way and every second of the day. I saw myself drift away and then come back. I saw my family tear each other and hug again. I have wiped tears off my face while I was forcing on a smile or pushing myself to laugh so my 3-year-old daughter wouldn't see her mother fall apart. My car crossed paths with the cemetary when I was supposed to run errands, I would find myself at his grave. When I missed him to pieces I would find myself at the cemetery knees to the ground. I suppose it had a calming effect on me, knowing I still can go to him, profess my feelings, and empty my heart out.

Healing

I believe what could be broken can be fixed, and what could be wounded can be healed; but nothing can be fixed or healed without first being hurt. That is why I proclaim that pain is the single reason I was able to survive through it all.

Smoke and Flames...

The only way to get out of the fire is to go through it and that is exactly what I did. I also learned that your will is the second most powerful tool in your survival. When there is a will, there's a way. It's so true what they say. I was fighting through the pain every single day I woke up until I slept, and that is if I slept. There were lots of times when my mind held a million questions and there was a lot of uncertainty about life and death and its processes. I sought after answers because being uncertain bothered me, it left an unsettling feeling inside.

Acceptance

Searching for answers, for some type of reassurance that my grandfather would be fine was not just a way of feeling calm but it required an open mind, one that had made room for something called acceptance. The truth is, no matter how hard we search and no matter how long we take to find what we are looking for, if our hearts are closed off towards acceptance, nothing you find will be of any help.

You must be open and accepting of what you’re about to find out and everything after that relies on how much faith you have. It's not enough to seek answers and be okay with it. You must believe in what you know and have faith that this is the truth.

Law of Attraction

This realization helped me gain clarity and more knowledge than I even expected. My grandfather was a very wise man. Through his life, he mastered psychology and the ways our brain reacts toward our actions. He understood action and reaction better than anyone I know. He believed our thoughts were so powerful that it holds the power and control over our lives. If we can change our thoughts, we can also change our lives. Action and reaction. That is why he was one of the most positive thinkers and had the most optimistic spirit about him that always exuded radiance. His ability to find the light was an admirable quality that always inspired me to be more like him.

A Light that Never Goes Out

And while I fight life’s battles, I keep in mind what he taught me, to shine your light upon others and never let anyone or thing diminish your light. I am so thankful for all he has taught me about life and most of all how much love he has shown me. I am so grateful for the precious memories that keep me company and through those I still feel his warmth radiate. I know he is looking over me. My angel from above.

-Hillary Nizam