How To Be Cool

I will not be dishonest. I believe that everyone aspires to be cool, as if there were such a thing as coolness. I understand that some of you are thinking, "Chains, with all due respect, how do you know what it's like to be cool?" To which I reply, "Just look at me, bro." I [__] don't know anyone who is cool; he's a certified cool guy by the name of Bob.

Now, what makes Bob so cool—does he have sunglasses on or is it just his sexy ass face? The answer is that Bob doesn't talk, and mystery plays a big part in what makes someone cool. It's interesting now because, from what we can see, Jake doesn't talk either. Personally, I don't think Jake's all that cool, so that means you can't just stop talking to be cool. I mean, there was a time I thought that if I put on some ear buds and stopped talking to [__], everyone would think I was some mysterious cool guy hiding in the shadows. I was feeling like a nasty guy as I was moving through the halls. I noticed that although some people were complimenting me on how awesome I was, the real conversation was more along the lines of "does this kid even talk?" or "What's up with this kid? I'm pretty sure he's autistic or something," since there is a noticeable difference between Bob and Jake. I mean Jake didn't talk cuz he would probably get his ass beat for literally anything that comes out of his mouth but Bob on the other hand doesn't talk cuz he doesn't have to talk like watch this oh my God Bob now just for science reasons let's just see what happens when I do the same thing you know why not what's the Worst That Could Happen uh hello can I help you oh my God help there there's this creepy at at least she didn't the hands behind your back buddy now it's important to note that being cool is subjective like for example some people think I'm cool you know like in this big ass World surely there's someone out there no there is nobody okay well what I was trying to say is you're going to find someone cool who I don't find cool and I'm going to find someone cool who you don't find cool and that just leaves us with the question what is cool so to answer this question I need you to think of the coolest dude on the earth and I'm about to guess okay you got it yeah all right I'm not the [ __ ] I won't try to predict who you're thinking of, but I can tell you with 100% accuracy who you aren't thinking of, and that's Mark Zuckerberg. Now, you may be wondering how I found out, but if you believe Mark Zuckerberg to be the coolest person alive, you're [ __ ] All right, so there's no helping you like, "Click off the video, it's over for you bro," but how on earth could Mark Zuckerberg make us all cooler? I mean, look at this guy—he practically exudes uncoolness right now—but that's important because, if being cool is subjective, we need something objective to look at, and objectively Zuckerberg gets no [ __ ] like let's just look at the numbers here—this guy is the CEO of Meta, but he's also the CEO of being an uncool lizard nerd guy. If there's one thing I've learned in my studies of coolness, it's the art of minding your own goddamn business. For example, let's compare George and Bob—let's just say they both ace the math test hey chains what's covered in the exam [__] I got around a 65%. Oh my goodness, that's great for you. Yes, I got 100% and answered the bonus question. Wow, that's great, dude. I could have sworn that [__] was chemistry, but nah, nothing, it was arithmetic, and I got 103%. Bob, what did you get on the math test? There was just one bonus question that was difficult, kissy face. Bob, did you pipe the teacher? If so, it explains why Zuck is acting so ungraciously over here—he's probably watching a million people's lives via their cameras and [ __ ] somewhat agreeably [__] You, Mark You just cannot be cool while shivering your Timbers buddy. I know some of you are saying, "Oh well, I guess it's over for me then," but no, it's not over for you since confidence is the most phony quality. unless you decide to [ __ ] That's the kind of confidence that's going to take you from a level one crook to a level 100 mafia boss. With that power comes responsibility, though. Some guys will become level 100 mafia bosses and start picking on other people because it makes them feel powerful, but a cool guy doesn't yearn for power. I'm pretty sure I say the wrong thing every time. But if you say that [ __ ] with your chest people let it slide bro and I said no I wouldn't suck your dick for $20 oh well that makes one of us oh uh well that makes one of us What do you want, bro? Damn, he's so cool.

Being cool also means being composed. For example, if someone tried to attack you and you fled, screaming for your life, I doubt anybody would be staring at you and saying, "Damn, that's one cool ass." [ __ ] mate Yes, sir, the high note he struck was very wonderful [__]. I'm not suggesting you have to go full Jackie Chan on the man, but you do have to maintain composure and use common sense to decide what would be the best course of action in this circumstance. Who knows, maybe someday I may be like him. a blow First Hit, Hard B without compassion just turn to go C give him a quick peck on the forehead or D The right response is any of the above, bro, as it's not about what you do, but rather how cool you look doing it. Well, maybe the stanky leg one, but other than that, I don't think anyone can look cool doing the stanky leg. However, if you go with any of the other options, like Hey Strike First Strike hard boom one punch knockout, that's cool, but if you throw first Miss e [ __ ] not hip B Giving him a quick kiss on the forehead to show your dominance and declare that you've pretty much made him your son—but if you miss, well, now you're just kissing a dude—then yeah, even though being cool is all about how you do things, there are some things that nobody can look cool doing, like riding a scooter, chasing a bus, or taking pictures with an iPad. looking dorky as [__] while chasing paper in the wind with virtual reality and washing a cucumber stumbling while eating a cupcake and leaving a restaurant Pickleball at a booth, anything related to Starbucks, and Hello, may I have a camera? This will either make people think you're a shy person or maybe even on the spectrum, or it will make them think you're a mo ribbon crunch frappuccino with two extra pumps of vanilla and the you're not cool bro what what.

Let's go back to the element of mystery for a second. You need to speak, buddy, or otherwise people won't know what to base their assumptions on and will begin to fill in the spaces on their own. Oh, right, so I need to communicate in order to be cool. Yo Yo Chains How should I respond, bro? Whatever the [ __ ] you want You have to be like a peach man; some people hate peaches, some people love peaches, but in the end, a peach is going to be a peach. Take these sunglasses, and if you haven't heard it today, you're a cool ass dude. The secret to being cool is to be yourself. I know that [ __] sounds corny and it is, but do you think the coolest dudes on Earth give a single [ __ ] about what you think? Hell no, they're way too busy being cool. [Crowd cheers]

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