How I Reclaimed My Life When I Felt Numb and Unhappy

"Everything seems to change when we change." ~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel

The biggest moment that changed my life would look amazing to an outsider looking inward.

I was at a time in my life (twenty years ago) when everything seemed to be looking good on paper. I had a good job, lived in downtown Seattle, and enjoyed a live music venue. Aside from not being in a relationship, I thought I was "here."

The problem was, I was upset, and I didn't admit it. Part of me knew I was unhappy, but I tried to escape that feeling by playing the guitar, writing, or watching live music as much as possible.

Some of my avoidance tactics were working long hours at my job or drinking in public at “buttocks” bars in the city.

But every time I got home, I was there. I still struggle with my emotions and try to understand why happiness is passing away so quickly.

I had just broken up with someone I cared about but I knew he was unhealthy for me. He was a heavy drinker, and because I was often in the company of my partners, my drinking intensity increased dramatically when I was with him, and I felt bad (physically and emotionally).

It was a bad ending, and it left me even more confused. I should be very happy. "Why not?" This disturbing thought haunted me for several months.

A Time for Awareness and Choice

One afternoon, I returned home from work and went the way I had hoped. I lowered my bag to the door. Luxury clothing has been changed. She went to the fridge and opened the beer.

Then I turned on the sofa and turned on the television. This has been my habit for several months affecting my mind.

Looking back at this, I realize that I was not browsing all the channels available with a cable box. I'm not interested at all. I sipped the beer with one hand without tasting while switching channels and remote in the other.

I was unconscious and could not move. I was running on autopilot, without awareness, as channel after station passes.

And it happened there. It was as if a background noise in some part of my mind had suddenly increased. I felt a thought after thought running through my mind like a crawl of CNN news.

The shocking part for me, was how bad these thoughts were. “You are not beautiful. Nobody likes you. You are a failure. You will never find someone who loves you. You don't deserve it. ”

I also realized that I had heard these thoughts before but chose to put them down or turn down the volume with distractions.

But here they were. Loud and blaring. I was forced to face them again.

I was in a state of disbelief for several minutes when some election adjectives ran out of my lips.

When the panic subsided, it made sense for me to reach a large fork on the road.

One option led to the realization of these thoughts going back to where they came from and going back to sipping beer without watching television.

And then, magically, the second choice came from nowhere. Stop everything and just stay with these thoughts.

I remember saying, “Huh!” out loud. I never realized that I had decisions. I was scheduled to run for cover.

I realized that this was a good time for me. I felt cold all over.

The choice was: Go back to sleep even if you were just there and experience these thoughts.

Something deep inside I knew which way to go. It was the most powerful feeling I had ever experienced. I also knew that if I did not get on the train right now, I would be lost forever. It almost sounded like a life-or-death decision.

It was at that point that I finally decided. I stopped resisting the avoidance. I chose to stay in the lurch and not to run away and hide.

Choosing the “Best” Pursuit

As soon as I made the choice to stay and have these negative thoughts, my body jumped into action. It was as if someone else was out of control.

With a single long motion, I turned off the television, headed for the kitchen sink, and pulled out my remaining beer. Then I took a deep breath, went to my living room, and sat down with my legs crossed.

I had never thought of it before but I had heard about it. I was very interested in Buddhism when I was in college but I did not take steps to find out what it was about. I have found that there is no better time than just trying.

All I know is that, at the time, I made a firm decision that I would just stay in my thoughts. It doesn't matter how crazy the ride or the madness of staying quiet looks.

I still remember those early times of peace. It was a bittersweet experience. The bitter side was getting all the bad and bad thoughts running through my mind at full volume. It didn't seem to end.

But there was also the sweetness in the peace that washed away my knowledge. There was peace here that I had never experienced before. It was as if I were being held in a warm chest, and I immediately felt bad words that were too frightening to have.

I do not remember how long I kept quiet on that first day, but at least for a few hours. I remember opening and closing my eyes many times. I was wondering if I was still in my living room.

It was like finding out if you could hope to enter a lake you have never been to. Slowly, step by step. And sometimes I just had to open my eyes and just let myself feel comfortable before moving on.

There were also times when I felt like “myself” leaving my body, which was truly terrifying H-E Double-Hockey-Sticks for me.