How I Learned the Beauty of Saying No From a Priest

Our Collective Struggle

Like millions of folks, I have not always, without hesitation, anxiety, or internal conflict, easily uttered the two-letter “No.”

Despite every fiber of my body screaming NOOOOO!

Despite knowing, without question, I didn’t want to participate in whatever activity, outing, or endeavor was being proposed or asked of me. I knew it. I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to join them. I didn’t want to participate.

Who of us hasn’t been there? More times than we wish to remember, perhaps.

Over the years, I’ve gotten better about saying “no” to the social entanglements I dread or anticipate I will regret. After all, one ought to have learned nominal lessons in five decades of adulthood.

Apparently, the cumulative negative experiences are not yet sufficiently indelibly etched in my psyche, however. I still err, failing to listen to my inner compass, agreeing to something against my better judgment.

Then, afterward, I am either upset or annoyed — for the thousandth time of having wasted X hours of my life that are irretrievable.

Explanations of Why We Fail to Say No

Countless studies abound explaining why we have such difficulty. No dearth of articles exists advising us how to decline graciously without offending or upsetting others.

The primary reasons we fail to say “No” include:

✓Not wanting to disappoint, hurt, or offend people we care about

✓Needing to be loved, to feel validated, or to obtain approval

✓Desiring to avert conflict or to keep the peace

✓ Fearing rejection or abandonment or jeopardizing a relationship

✓ Missing something or missing out (FOMO)

✓ Not wanting to appear selfish

✓ Not wishing to be disloyal

✓ Having anxiety or depression that makes it difficult to express oneself

Acquiescence

Who knew? There is even a term for a person who has problems saying no — an acquiescent. It is one who readily accepts something without protest or does what someone else wants.

The Qualified or Explained Negative

I have been an acquiescent more times than I can recount. Usually, I have referred to myself—after the fact— as a doormat, a people pleaser, or too polite.

Even if the “no” devil perched on my left shoulder won the struggle against the ever-tugging “yes” angel on the right — I still felt an overwhelming need to explain, qualify, or justify my declination.

Unless we are sociopaths or psychopaths, it’s human nature, isn’t it? We don’t want to offend or upset people. We desire to be viewed as kind, considerate human beings.

Home Purchase in Arizona

I had just agreed to purchase a charming mid-century home in a small central Phoenix, Arizona development. It was a direct transaction with the owners, sans realtors for both parties.

The deal hadn’t yet closed, but I’d stopped by the house to chat with the owner about a matter.

The Story of the Red Door

An extremely attractive feature of the home was its high-gloss candy apple door.

One reason red front doors are appealing is that pursuant to the ancient practice of feng shui, they invite healthy qi, or positive energy, into the home.

Homeowners John and Sue were pleasant early 40s couples. We immediately hit it off the day I viewed the house. I learned John had been a Catholic priest, and Sue was one of his former parishioners.

Unaware of whether he left the priesthood to marry her or what had transpired, they were clearly happily married.

House hunting had become my Sunday afternoon ritual, month after month after month. I had grown weary of the drill, vowing it to be my last outing and this the final stop of the day. The conclusion reached after visiting more than 100 open houses — why I’d not tormented an agent by dragging one around—was that the timing wasn’t auspicious.

I had yet to find THE ONE. It was time to take a break.

As is often the case, however, once we let go of an attachment or desire, something magically materializes. Indeed, this charmer in an ideal neighborhood had spoken on that late Sunday crisp autumn afternoon: Come live here. You will be happy in this house.

The Conversation

As John and I chatted, I commented that the bright red door was a primary attraction for me, explaining its positive feng shui. He proceeded to share an amusing anecdote.

As in similar subdivisions with CC&Rs, rules and regulations govern certain aesthetic aspects of the community. Dictates in this complex included acceptable exterior paint colors, restrictions regarding additions and visible modifications, and the like.

None existed designating front door colors, however. After moving in, John decided to paint the fiery color as a welcome change from its original dismal brown.

Soon thereafter, one of the long-term residents who fancied himself a self-designated village police officer—every association has one—knocked on their door. Remarking about the new overnight paint job, he asked if they would restore it to the former drab color.

John’s simple reply was, “No.”

He explained to me that “no” indeed is a complete answer. There’s no need for further elucidation or reasoning.

I loved that, realizing how often we cannot simply say no.

Despite being neither Catholic nor particularly religious, I think that a former man of the cloth so eloquently explained this simple concept is why it resonated and has remained with me these many years.

There are circumstances where “no thank you” or “no, that won’t work for me” might be more appropriate. But occasionally, “no” suffices. It’s a liberating realization that we don’t owe everyone an explanation.

Choices and Boundaries

We all have choices and decisions to make day in and day out.

Some are more monumental, such as whether to quit a job and start a business. Some are nominal, like what to have for lunch.

Saying yes or no is another choice we make frequently.

Failing to say “no” despite wanting internally to decline can affect our emotional well-being. Conversely, rarely does someone regret or second guess a “no.” It’s the “yes-which-ought-to-have-been-a-no” that haunts or disturbs us.

Learning that it’s perfectly fine to refuse is life-affirming and healthy.

Setting boundaries. Respecting one’s own needs. Accepting personal limitations. These are positive self-care strategies.

Conclusion

The next time you’re tempted to acquiesce when you want to say “no,” perhaps the devil on your shoulder will prevail over the angel on the other.