How Chronic Illness Gave Me A New Lease On Life

I thought I was doing great when the pandemic hit. I had a full time job (a luxury not many were afforded), my credit card was paid off, and I felt “in control” of my life for the first time in awhile. I had just dropped 40 pounds, was volunteering in my spare time, and had just gotten off of all my depression and anxiety medications. The problem, unfortunately, was that the “in control” feeling I had, was stemming from nothing more than rage. I hated my job - it was one I had scrambled to get when I was laid off due to the pandemic. The work was mundane; scrubbing the shelves of a grocery store for 8 to 11 hours a day. I was really passionate about my volunteer work; however, the line of work took me past all sorts of political jargon and hateful rhetoric. I was stewing in constant state of distress and anger. The medications, of which I was so proud to have eliminated from my life, I had simply dropped without a doctor’s consent. Yes, I had gone cold turkey off of medications whose withdrawal symptoms stated very clearly, “can cause seizures.” Compounded with all of these stressors, came also relational dysfunction. I was seen as a pushover by my peers because I hadn’t constructed healthy boundaries, so I often received the brunt of harsh treatment. The hurt and the anger festered inside, and I became like a grenade ready to explode. I felt betrayed by my coworkers when I learned of their differing political affiliations. I had to take out a restraining order on a family member whose constant barrage of manipulative and hateful verbal abuse had become overwhelming.

I first began to have crippling back pain. It came out of the blue and I had to take off work in order to make a few well-placed visits to urgent care. No cause was found. Then came the withdrawal symptoms...3 months worth to be exact. I was plagued with insomnia, restless leg syndrome, and uncontrollable itching sensations, all of which I stubbornly suffered through in hopes of “coming out the other side” free of all medications. Meanwhile, finances were becoming a worry. I couldn’t keep up with all the bills, and my mother was unable to work due to health concerns. My scalp started flaking and my hair began to fall out. Mind you, I’m 25 years old.

I read the news religiously and became even more distraught with the growing violence I was seeing before me on social media. I watched graphic videos in order to be “informed,” so that I could take up the cause. I fretted day and night about the future of the country. I even began keeping a diary...one that was filled with all my worries, my anger, and my despair. Then, after my shift one afternoon, the entire right side of my body went numb. I called my mom and she drove me straight to the ER, where multiple MRIs were performed and all tests came back clean. A week later, I was hospitalized with excruciating pain in my right foot. Physically incapacitated, I suffered through a barrage of neurological symptoms as we scrambled to find a diagnosis. I saw specialist after specialist - of both Eastern and Western medicine. I wept, I prayed, I fought through panic attack after panic attack as the 3 month mark approached and still no diagnosis. Finally, I saw an acupuncturist who suggested to me this foreign concept of severe nervous system dysfunction as a result of built-up stress, or shock. From there, I was diagnosed at Barrows Neurological Center with conversion disorder (also known as functional neurological disorder or FND) - a rare but increasingly prevalent condition that stems from what is, in reality, poor mental health. I was never so happy to be given a diagnosis in my life. Now, began the challenge of recovery. But how?

“I just feel doomed to regress,” I complained to my therapist, Dr Patrick Kelly. “Nothing has ever turned around in my life unless I go through Hell 7 or 8 times first.”

“Look at what you just wrote...’FEEL doomed,’ he texted back. Until you really focus on the FACT that your FEELINGS are running your thinking, and start looking at FACTS, you are doing a self-fulfilling prophecy. The TRUTH is that reality is based on the fact that what you THINK controls how you FEEL! AND FOCUSING ON YOUR THINKING IS THE ONLY WAY TO CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL.”

We all heard the phrase “facts are not feelings” floating around in the air surrounding the election. Turns out, this phrase also applies to our mental health. If our self-talk is defeating, or if we let fear, anger, and stress get the better of us, we will live lives reflective of those unhealthy thoughts. Joyce Meyer once said, “You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.” This is because our brains function the same as our bodies - whatever we feed the brain, be it healthy or unhealthy, is what the brain will become.

With this in mind, I slowly began to change my thinking. What did I have to lose? I was drowning in a sea of depression, having lost my ability to walk, and I was desperate for healing. So I started keeping a new type of journal, one where I kept track of all the positives of my day. I also wrote gratitude lists and made bullet points out of all the good qualities I had, or wished to possess. Instead of telling myself:

I’ll never be able to lead a normal, healthy life.

Why do only bad things happen to me?

I started reading, writing, and speaking in a language formerly unknown to me - the language of hope:

Good things are coming.

I am creating the life of my dreams.

And slowly but surely, the pain started to subside. I began to lose the indelible anger that would hold me prisoner. I began to breathe deeply - freely - for the first time in years. Yet I would still wrestle with the worries of life - the state of the world, specifically. I fretted over electoral candidates, violence in the streets, and politically-charged regulations that seemingly jeopardized the very freedom for which our forefathers had fought and died.

“It just seems wrong to stop fighting for my cause,” I argued with Dr Kelly. “I can’t just let it go and live my life oblivious to the injustice.”

“Do you remember the speech that the flight attendants give before each plane takes off...? In case of cabin depressurization, put the oxygen mask on yourself first?”

“Yes,” I said, beginning to understand.

“Well just like in the airplane, we must take care of ourselves first. You might think it seems selfish to put that mask on yourself first, but if you pass out, you can’t help anyone else.”

With great difficulty but an even greater willpower, I set aside politics for the remainder of my recovery. I was now pain-free, but I had lost the muscle in my legs and feet, seeing as how I hadn’t been able to move for 6 months. I began physical therapy, and was impressed with the positivity and hope that Alethea had instilled in me. Nevertheless, she questioned whether or not I had developed a contracture - a permanent tightening of the muscles that leaves one affected without the proper use of their appendages. We began first with mobilization techniques: deep tissue massages, stationary pedaling, and squats with equal distribution of pressure between both feet. As my ankles began to gain more stability, we moved to strength training. And with Alethea’s help, I took my first steps as a new woman. I graduated from a wheelchair, to a walker, to a cane, to a good old pair of sneakers in 2 months time.

“Don’t remember the former things; don’t dwell on things past. Watch! I’m about to carry out something new! And now it’s springing up, don’t you recognize it? I’m making a way in the wilderness and paths in the desert.” -Isaiah 43:18-19

I love this verse because it reminds me not to “dwell on things past.” My experience with conversion disorder is a thing of the past, and to move forward, I need to focus on the good that came out of it. What good could possibly come out of FND, you ask? Well for me, I was living life in the unhealthiest way possible - drowning in a sea of rage and anxiety. Though I never thought I would utter these words, I can now say wholeheartedly that I am so thankful for my experience with FND. It turned my life around for the better. No longer am I angry - bound by self-pity and hurt. No longer am I stressed or worried. I’ve taken on the perspective of this beautiful quote:

“What if...everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for?” -Anonymous

I, personally, had asked for freedom from my stressors, and though I couldn’t imagine it at the time, conversion disorder was the catalyst for which I had so desperately prayed.