How alone are we?

When you feel lonely, alone and depressed, it's easy to not focus on it. I could focus on the day-to-day routine of my life and not have to face the reality of all the things I was feeling. But then the pandemic last year hit and life as we knew it had changed. Nothing was the same from then on. The first lockdown didn't really affect me as much. I was off for a couple of months and went back feeling refreshed and like everything would be okay. The summer however was very tough, and I struggled through most of it. Like I usually do when I find myself in a depression I go into myself. I am a person that doesn't like to share a lot of things with people. So when I am struggling at it, it's hard for me to let anyone in to tell them. Then the second lockdown happened. Somehow it seemed more permanent to me. Being in Canada it is fairly cold in the winter, depending on where you live in this great country. Like many I dislike the cold and so it was the perfect storm of being isolated. As the lockdown continued I would find myself more and more isolated from the world. Days and weeks started blending into each other. It was so easy to lose track of what day of the week it was or what day of the month frankly. I found myself feeling like days and hours were just passing me by. I would very often think at the end of a day, 'what did I even do today'. There are 24 hours in a day, but to me, it could have been 2 hours as I would have gotten the same amount of stuff done.

In the first lockdown I really tried to use the time that I had. I tried to finish things that I kept meaning to do. But with the second one, my mindset was much different. I was so drained from just trying to get through the last year that I felt like I had no energy for anything else. I had lost all motivation to accomplish any goals. Furthermore, I didn't care if I did anything. For the first time in such a long time I had no structure to my days, no goals to hit, no long term plans for what I was going to do with my life. I spent most of my time at home with just my daughter, eating. And of course when you just eat junk all the time it doesn't help to get you to feel any better. I was doing a giant amount of emotional eating. You feel better when you are eating, however shortly after you feel shitty and even worst than you did before you started eating.

I didn't tell anyone of the darkness that had entered my thoughts. I wasn't seeing many people, so there were very few that I had to pretend with. It truly was this time that I realized how alone that I really was in the world. I had my daughter, and I thank God that I did. She was the light in my tunnel of darkness. I think the one thing that we all can agree on is that 2020 taught all of us what and who was really important in our lives.

2021 was in full swing and I looked back on my time being off work and realized just how long that it had been. I didn't want 2021 to continue and for me to be in the exact same unhappy place that I was in. I may have been in a dark hole, but I was determined to get myself out.

The weather was starting to warm up, which meant that it was now easier to actually go outside. Even if it was only for a walk. That also meant that my daughter was able to get some fresh air again which calmed her down a bit. For a young kid it was hard to be inside all the time. Getting outside some was so helpful for me and my mindset.

I also knew that I couldn't wait for the world to change. If I wanted my life to be different, then it was I who had to make a change. As things started to ease up a bit, and the weather being a little better I was finally able to start seeing more people again. People from my family, who I had spent real time with for so long. It wasn't just spending time with them, I had to make an effort to really open myself up to people again.

I felt like I had no direction anymore in my life. However, in looking back I couldn't help but to ask myself if I ever had direction. You lose yourself in all the day-to-day things of your life. I didn't want to do that anymore. So I made some goals, goals for the year and my overall life goals. I thought of my perfect life and wrote that down on a piece of paper. Then I put the piece of paper up next to my door so that I had to look at it every day. It was a reminder of the life that I wanted and what I had to work towards. No matter how big your goals and dreams might be, that doesn't mean that you can't accomplish them. Someone has to do it, so why not it be you.

I also knew that I had to do something to kick-start myself. I had to get a new and healthy routine to go with the life I had now found myself in. I love a challenge, a challenge against myself. For myself at least, going against someone else isn't as effect. But trying to do better than myself kick-starts my mind. So I decided to do a 75 hard challenge. It's a mental toughness challenge that you commit to do for 75 days. Rules include: drink gallon on water, do 2 45-minute workouts (one of each is outside), do read 10 pages of non-fiction (self-help for example), follow a meal plan and not cheat for a single day. I added a few things for myself such as spending 1 hour with my daughter each day no technology. I made it so that it pushed myself to be better. 75 is a long time, but I knew that I needed it.

I can't say that I am totally out of my darkness. However, I am getting better. I know how hard all of this has been. But if you challenge yourself and get yourself a new routine you can find yourself to in a better place than when you started. And somewhere down the road you will know that everything will be okay, that you will be okay.

-T