Hope Cultivated

The only surprise that came with 2020 for me was the Covid-19 virus, the season of life I was in had long been on lockdown. As I sat at the park and thought of how stagnant my life had been a refreshing thought popped up in my mind “you’re still standing though”. As refreshing as it was, I was upset it made me feel refreshed. I had been down this road too many times, I wallow in the thoughts of my life’s predicaments, amidst those thoughts comes one with refreshing words that I always recognize, a glimpse of hope is birthed, I cultivate the thought, gather the bits of strength left in me and put it to work as I hope for the best. But again nothing works and I’m back to square one, wallowing. It’s a cycle I thought. So, this time, that refreshing thought wasn’t going to play me again. I refused it.

However, it felt different this time, as much as I refused to hope every part of me was somehow hopeful and eventually I gave in. What about it this time was different I thought, I allowed my mind to wander aimlessly at whatever it had to offer this time, and soon enough I started to see it. It wasn’t that my life was so bad, it was that I wasn’t allowing myself to learn what that season was teaching me. I was too focused on what I wanted that I wasn’t seeing what I was being offered. I was being offered time, time to learn different skills, time to grow in the knowledge of who I was, becoming, and could be, opportunities to meet and love people the best I could. But there I was, wasting time.

So right there at the park I decided to bring an end, not to my life predicaments but the way I viewed them. I decided to hold onto everything good life had, was and would offer me, and when next I got sad, I would allow myself to be sad but not let it dictate my life. That glimpse of hope I cultivated was ushering me into a fresh start. And so, the journey began.

I started by creating a schedule of what I wanted to achieve daily. Ticking off what I had achieved as the day went by made me feel accomplished and that my day wasn’t a waste. Also, this routine helped me built discipline.

Reflecting on my past mistakes was next. I did this not to beat myself up but to take responsibilities of my actions and learn from my mistakes. This at first was very difficult but the growth that came with it made it all worth it. I forgave myself and still forgiving myself. Doing this allowed me to heal and move on. Forgiving myself also allowed me see solutions to some of the predicaments I was wallowing in.

As this continued I began to see how ungrateful I really was. Life had given me so much to be thankful for, but I was so caught in my pursuit for things I hadn’t gotten and that drained me. “In all be thankful” became my motto. I began to take delight in the simplest of things. Hanging out with friends and being appreciative of time well spent with them. Going on walks and absorbing the beauty that nature is. Being able to afford good food (this is so underrated by the way). Good health (y'all!), I could go on and on. I found beauty even in the ugliest of situation.

There is always another side to any situation and that other side could be exactly what we need to see to find hope again. And when that hope is cultivated the journey to freedom begins.