Happiness Through Fear

Some days are just bad days, others are still bad days but they make you remember the good days too. Then you have the good days. Today was a bad day that made me remember the good ones.

My memory has been lowered especially since February 28, 2014. I was hit by a car that was going thirty five miles an hour while I was crossing the street. I came out with a really bad concussion which was my second concussion in less than 10 years. The other concussion I had received was Christmas Eve of 2006. I was supposed to be thrown out of the front seat through the front windshield. I don’t remember much from either event. It did cause fear of those specific areas for a while. I’ve been afraid to really drive since I was eleven. I got panic attacks when I would be in those areas. But that’s what trauma does to you. I hate remembering those black outs in my memory but maybe they were for good. I didn’t depart eternally from my mom. I got to live instead of miss out on what little hope I have now for life.

The memories I absolutely love are from when I was happiest.

There was this one time when I tried being a content creator on YouTube. I interviewed local bands and ended up pretty much working a festival before going into a depressive spiral. The first set of interviews I managed to score, I had a total of six. Well, on my sixth one, instead of asking “who is who and who plays what?” I asked “who plays who?” I totally shocked myself but I laughed it off. That moment was pure joy and excitement for me. I was doing something I loved with a bunch of humans that were on a path I wish I was talented enough to do. They also humored me too and played along when I messed up.

I even got an interesting story with a band in their van. I sent a picture of all five guys from the band and told my mom that she would be disappointed in me. The two or three months that I did this whole content creator thing was amazing. There aren’t enough words to describe how happy it made me. I’ve tried doing the whole interview with bands thing several times in my life and it never seemed to work out. I often remind myself that sometimes the third time is the charm and I’ve only tried twice. Maybe my next attempt will be successful. I have an amazing support system behind me now that will help me push forward in doing what I desperately crave in my life.

Another memory that I love desperately was almost a year and a half ago. I went to my first concert with my current significant other. The feeling of absolutely enjoying a band that both of you completely enjoy together is the best emotion. It’s one of the ultimate feelings of love in my head. Having someone to help watch over me so I can focus on the band and make sure I can be close enough to the stage where I can see since I’m short enough to almost be called a midget. Then a couple months later I end up meeting Ben Bruce from Asking Alexandria. I fangirled so hard I was literally dancing. I couldn’t believe I met him but I have proof. Maybe one day when I’m brave enough to release pictures of me I’ll share.

My happy memories are spread apart but they’re so amazing when I think of them. I don’t know how I would have made it this far in life if it weren’t for those exact moments. I honestly didn’t think I’d make it to my senior year much less graduate from high school. Twenty-seven comes up in three years and 4 months. That day scares me a little. But I guess fear is normal when you live to chase happiness.