Happiness

Happiness, how can you really explain that feeling? Throughout my life I’ve always asked myself how I can fulfill myself to get to that. The famous singer John Lennon said

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

I reread that over and over again trying to at least feel what he felt. Life has to do with happiness but does it really? The biggest goal in life for most humans is to be happy but what does that really mean? I'm on a journey through life to go deep into what “Happiness is”.

When I think i'm happy sometimes I can’t tell if it's real or not but that's only because some things stop me from being happy like myself. I want to be happy but sometimes I don't feel it and I don't understand why I can't be happy everyday. I try to live my life by doing what I believe in, doing things I want to do. When they say “YOLO (You only live once)”, I say no because you live everyday you only die once. Even if I tried to live everyday like it was my last, I still can't be happy now. Is there something wrong with me or is it just that happiness is something hard to achieve? I believe in god and it's said that to believe in him you can achieve true happiness but even then I don't feel like it's enough. I look to my family, and my sister was just born and she brings joy to my life. I'm happy when I see her smile and laugh but when I'm not with her I no longer feel happy. I can't blame anyone for my loss of happiness. I just haven't made it yet. My life has barely begun, I have much to learn, I have to keep looking for answers.

There comes days where I wake up and I feel like there is no need to live anymore because if my life feels bad why live. I've made mistakes that haunt me till today that stop me from being happy but maybe if I released the truth I could live a better life but somethings I would rather keep to myself. Life and Death are only words until you live them. I've been close to the grim reaper but he hasn't taken me. I thought about dying and wondering what could happen. When I live life I feel the same way sometimes. The good days are the ones I remember the most when I actually smile and notice that I am happy. Noticing I am happy is my greatest achievement because not only does it bring more joy but it helps me establish inner peace to myself. So I can not think about waiting for the day the reaper tries to take me, I have to face facts that that day will come but when it does I know I lived my life the way I wanted it to be.

I look to the one I'm said to love but after arguing I’m no longer happy now is it her fault I don't blame her.``Love” is something i've always been looking for because for me it brings happiness. Family love for me is the greatest because relationship love is fake and dull. The word love in relationships is used like toilet paper for shit. I've loved before to only bring me sadness but that's why I have my family. Family is the part of me that I live for because they are there regardless of my problems, regardless of what I choose to do in my life. I thank them because they are some of the only people that really make me happy in life, they are my life support when I feel that I need help. I fail them all the time but they know how to make me happy. Happiness is something I haven't achieved yet but one day just maybe, I will and in my grave I will write “I lived it to the fullest and I can honestly say I was Happy”.