Growth Is Not Linear

I've always loved the comfort of being safe and not taking any risks. My whole life I've been a creature of habit, not wanting to draw any attention to myself, because I wanted to feel safe. Any risks, such as being seen for who I was such as negative opinions were affecting my "safe zone". You never realize until you get older how much you're really living for the approval of others. You want to please others and fit into that box. I didn't realize I was living for the approval of others until I was out of high school. I just wanted to feel safe and that meant avoiding putting myself out there in classrooms, romance, and friendships. Participating in class discussions even though I can get the answer wrong? No way! Asking my friend if she wants to hang out at my house where my parents could potentially embarrass me? Nope. Not gonna happen! Asking out that boy I've had a crush on for the past three months so he can make fun of me for putting my feelings on the line? Absolutely not! I'd rather have my teeth pulled! It didn't take me until I was graduating high school that I realized my fears held me back. I was miserable, insecure, and had no confidence whatsoever. I decided a week before my graduation that something had to be done. I couldn't hide behind fear my whole life or else I'd miss it. It was from that point on I became obsessed with growing out of my shell.

1.) You'll Never Be Ready

If you're waiting until you feel comfortable enough you're doing yourself a disservice. You will never feel comfortable or ready enough to make that leap towards that opportunity that can change your life. I wasted critical time waiting for the "right" moment. I was waiting to talk to that guy I like when I was "pretty" enough. I thought waiting to apply for that job until I was "skilled" enough. I thought waiting until I was "good" enough of a writer to pursue my dream of writing. The truth is I was never ready. Never! It wasn't until those opportunities came to pass that I realized I should have made the move even if my voice was trembling, my knees wobbly, and my arms shaking. Even though I would have been extremely uncomfortable I wouldn't have had been so regretful in my decision to wait after. That boy I liked, moved on and I was stuck wondering what could have been. That job I was too scared to apply to was gone within the month. That dream of writing, well I was lucky enough to have time to finally pursue it. That's the thing, we think we have time, we think we can just wait until the next time, and the time after that but truth be told life goes by so quickly. It moves on with or without you doesn't matter if you're ready or not. It keeps moving. It's up to you to show up, even with your trembling voice, wobbly knees, and shaky arms.

2.) There Is No End to Growth

It's a process alright. Take it day by day and focus on where you are at this moment. Growth doesn't mean that you disown who you are today and trying everything you can to change yourself. It's accepting yourself right now at this very moment and learning from the mistakes you made. Mistakes are what shape us but only if we are willing to learn from them. Given my experience, I wasn't happy with where my life was at. I missed out on experiences and I had no growth. It took changes and committment every day. I had a long road ahead of me starting with a desire for change. It doesn't just stop there because I had to feed this desire, when things got too comfortable and I started feeling safe in my little box I knew it was time to push myself out of my shell again.

3.) Live In The Present Moment

Fear feeds off the mind, it's hard to be afraid if you're focused on the present moment. I was too busy living in my head that it robbed me of my life. I was believing those thoughts that I wasn't good enough. It's normal to have that voice that is hesitant of what's happening but it's our choice whether we want to believe that voice. Everyone even the people that appear confident has that voice of doubt, you can't focus on that voice because that voice isn't even real. What's real is what's happening in this present moment. Live a little. Breathe.

4.) Embrace Your Own Journey

As I left high school and that now that I'm in my twenties it's hard to not feel discouraged about being behind in life. I still live with my parents, my friends have moved on with their lives, and my love life is still nonexistent. As much as I feel bad about not being where my peers are I can't fault myself for what I chose to do as a kid. I was traumatized as a child by the social situations that happened to me, unfortunately, I didn't know of coping mechanisms to deal with the embarrassment and fear of being judged. So I decided to shut down, refrain from ever getting criticism, and letting people see who I am. Point is that is my own journey. I don't have the same background as everyone else. As do you. Don't try to compare yourself to someone else because you will be left unhappy by a standard that you can't live up to. If you do that you're withholding the world from something great.

4.) You Are Going to Fall Back Into Old Patterns

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was so easy? That growing as a person meant growing in a linear line. It hurts and is uncomfortable to be in a place of uncertainty. As someone who struggles with undiagnosed social anxiety, I deal with falling back into old patterns all the time. Whenever I get the feeling of annoying someone I fall back into the pattern of not putting myself out there. It's completely normal to fall back into patterns, it's important that you become aware of that pattern. The more aware you become and unattached to those thought patterns the easier change is to come. Remember that you are learning from these patterns. Don't beat yourself up because taking steps back is a part of the dance.

I am not even close to where I want to be. As discouraging as that sounds I am on the right path and got the right spirit. I used to think that there was something wrong with me but I was conditioned this way. It was unfortunate that my personality was shaped after my trauma. I am happy that I noticed something that I didn't like about my life and I decided to make some changes and grow from it. It's a lifelong commitment and takes constant reassurance. My mind can be my biggest critic but I'm my biggest fan and I can't wait to see the amazing things I'll do.