Getting Out of My Own Way

New year, new me. How many times have I embraced some form or another of this phrase throughout the years? Every January feels like a new start, a fresh blank page in the notebook of life. Like clockwork, I take the proverbial pen to paper and begin writing my story anew, convinced it will all be different this year. But, like clockwork, I accidentally smudge the ink before I have gotten a few sentences deep into my new story. I forget the words I was so sure I would use to create my new reality. I am hit by a form of writer’s block that puts schoolwork procrastination to shame.

It is not a simple feat to change your whole life overnight. In fact, it feels almost impossible to make any changes at all when each step you take and each stroke of the pen in your hand is dragged down by the weight of everything you hoped to leave behind. The calendar has flipped but my mental health remains the same.

By mid-January each year, if I ever even start at all, my resolutions and goals are all but forgotten. Moved to the part of my brain that looks back in bitter regret, kicking myself for not being strong enough to fix what I hate. My mind is always set to the best intentions – I want to get fit; I want to travel more; I want to be better with my money- but there is no movement made by my body. The disconnect between my intentions and my actions is an empty abyss covered by the veil of hope. And every time, I falsely believe my hope and find myself flailing as I fall into the endless empty space of disconnect and contempt.

Though this year, something different happened. This year, I have not given up.

It seems to be, with more and more resources available and more time than ever to spend on introspections, that the past year has really allowed me to see myself not as a failure but as someone who does not understand themselves. While this realization may be small to some, it has opened the door for me to make changes and improve my world. By better understanding myself and what I need, I can tackle my goals and resolutions in a way that works for me. And that is the exact piece of the puzzle I had been missing all along.

My main resolution is to improve my physical health and fitness level. This has been a resolution every year since I was a child. And I may have lost weight successfully some years, but it was never done in a sustainable or healthy way. And my physical strength and level of fitness has always been laughable. I have struggled with the all or nothing mentality that is shoved down our throats by social media and the entertainment industry. After years of being taught that I should feel shame if I ate ‘bad’ food or that I could not enjoy a treat unless I spent hours burning calories until there was nothing left to burn, I am throwing away the rule book.

By better understanding my mental health struggles, I know that I cannot do anything in an all or nothing manner. I am prone to having days where all I can do is lay down and stare at the ceiling. I have days when I eat too much food with the people I love. But I also have days where I am putting in every ounce of effort I have. Though it has taken me well over two decades to understand, I am now aware that these are all okay days to have.

Life is not a straight line of progression or regression. There is not black and white ruling on what is good and what is bad. You are not a failure if you skip a workout or four, you are not a failure if you eat too much, you are not a failure if all you can do is survive. Every day is a new page to focus on making better choices for yourself. Waiting until January 1st may be the kick of motivation you need, but just as many great changes can happen on January 3rd. 21st. or even October 15th. Life does not follow the rules society comes up with. Life happens every day and I am slowly learning that this is a good thing.

At the end of the day, I might have missed a workout or ate a meal that did not fit my plan but just because the sun has set does not mean that the day was wasted. By embracing each day as a new chance to be better than I was yesterday, I am slowly but surely getting one day closer to my resolutions.