Get Your Way

My friend is exhausted under the expectations of others. In fact, it's so overwhelming that she is contemplating a solo train trip to get away from it all. As a longtime lover of solitude, I understood this urge and was excited for her; I could even feel the pressure in the room lift as she spoke of this relief. My friend is a wonderful person which both blesses and curses her. She would orchestrate a surprise party for a total stranger, bursting with balloons and cards and thoughtful gifts because she wouldn't want anyone to feel forgotten. A marvelous attribute indeed, but all things in life cast a corresponding shadow...

My friend spent so much energy making sure others felt appreciated that she forgot herself. She ignored her needs, neglected her self care; she even disregarded her heart's natural affection for some people over others. We are all drawn and repelled by different people, but a persona that prides itself on welcoming everyone can wither in the energy of just anyone. After a few months, social life was only obligatory. The activities and people that nourished her soul were put aside to live up to the expectations of those that didn't. There is no one that she forgot to make feel special, no one but herself.

I​ resonated deeply with her aggravation. In fact, I had just returned from a solo trip myself. I felt drowned in pleasantries and commitments that dictated too many concessions on my part, so I booked a motel room for one night under the great mountains of the Grapevine. This one-day trip was as necessary as a deep breath when trapped underwater. Of course, day-to-day life calls for tact. Society would be insane if everyone always acted and spoke exactly how they felt at all times - but if we teach ourselves to live mostly in the realm of make believe, the swallowed truth compounds on itself and grows out of control. I feel she and I had spent too much time on this end of the spectrum.

My friend was toying with this trip idea with some hesitation which I found odd. I pushed a little. Finally, she told me she felt guilty for taking this selfish time for herself when so many around her need her - and there it is. Ah guilt; the last Hail Mary attempt of our darkness to sabotage an honest impulse for good. We finally trust that magnetic pull of our spirit and take action. As we are almost out of the tunnel, the demon claw of guilt strikes out and sinks into the skin. With one touch, the damage is done. We walk into the sun scarred with a laceration that festers with every footstep in the daylight. "Feel bad about this", hisses the blistering wound. If we are unable to counter that voice, we may as well walk back into the cave, for the good intention of feeling the sunlight on our face is soiled.

"When was the last time you got your way?" I asked. She paused, almost having a sour reflex to the phrase. She couldn't remember. I've asked myself this question recently too, feeling that society has conditioned me to react negatively to getting my way, believing it to be the embodiment of selfishness. I can recall kids growing up who wouldn't bend at all to the will of the group: the game was always their game; the movie was their choice; we always did what they wanted to do. That bossy kid created two problems in the group: just as he or she trained themselves to never cooperate with anyone, the individuals of the group taught themselves to always compromise on what they want. In this situation, I often compromised because I spent an equal amount of time happily in my solitude doing all the things I wanted to. I had symmetry, and I believe the need of the pendulum to balance is what is pulling my dear friend toward her quest. The swing of the pendulum is only as extreme as needed to balance the furthest swing in the other direction. After sharing our thoughts together, I wondered if such a dramatic reset is needed because we are unbalanced in saying no; unbalanced in saying yes to our own desires; and unbalanced in getting our way.

F​or those of us who find great joy in making others happy, we need to make sure this doesn't come at the detriment of one important person - ourselves. If we find ourselves giving our energy constantly, we need to be mindful of refilling that reservoir even if the only reason is to have more to give. Get your way. If that feels uncomfortable, then you likely don't get your way enough. Beyond that, if you've acquired a group of friends that disappear the moment stand your ground, then perhaps you've attracted the wrong kind of people for you. Get your way. The top positions of the world are filled with people who are just as unwavering as they are talented, perhaps more so. People who will stop at nothing to get their way are okay with being disliked or even resented, but they achieve their desires. Nice people deserve a piece of that pie too.

M​y friend booked her trip and her commitment is unshakable. The tide is turning; the clouds lifted; the cycle interrupted. When she returns, a fresh perspective of equilibrium will shine a new light on her situation, just as I saw clarity that was hidden before. Life is a balance, not a complete compromise. Let's all get our way more often, because we likely don't do it enough.

Get your way!