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Full Stop.

Have you ever felt so suffocated you can't even feel at peace?

By Bianca WilsonPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 4 min read

I was the quiet girl. The one that barely spoke yet diligently worked in class. There weren't always subjects I liked but I did my best to pass the grade. Not because I was pressured by my parents to do well, I simply wanted to do well, school was a pleasant distraction. I came from a poor family, and I really didn't want to think about my future.

I was nearing the end of my senior year when my astronomy class teacher stopped each and every one of us on our way out of her class to ask, "What drives you?"

My mind went blank when I heard it. "...I dunno...not...failing?"

I knew it was silly the moment it left my mouth.

You will fail in life, it's inevitable, in fact I got rejected for a scholarship recently and was still feeling awkward about having to see my English professor that was on the judging panel until the rest of the school year. I think more specifically I meant my grades, but I knew my teacher could have meant something else, she was asking about life. She probably meant once I was out of school what then? What would drive me then?

The answer was...Nothing.

My goal was always to be an author.

Looking back mostly a distraction or a coping mechanism.

Here in America, I can say that I read a lot less, and I write a lot less than when I was a kid. Oddly enough. It was my dream and my goal but suddenly... snail's pace. I'm firstly a reader and a watcher before I'm a writer, I suppose. There's so much manga, k-dramas and YouTube videos you can watch and absorb media. I spent all that time consuming vs creating.

But most importantly the reason I think I stopped was probably because of the pressure of finances. Is it just me?

When I write, I feel guilty like I'm wasting time when I could be out there making money. Then when you eventually get a job, you have the inspiration and urge to write but when you get home you barely have the time and energy to write.

Then I would snap out of my own silliness remind myself "I'm a writer, I should try to make money by writing!" because it's not like we haven't been down that path before, right?- something gets done, nothing gets finished.

There's a phrase everyone needs to learn to make peace with.

"Do what you love!" You've heard it before, right?

Here's another, "Love what you do!"

You can find something to do, and you can come to love it. You may also find that as you live some talents are just hard to ignore. I try to put aside my love for writing but everything I see or do inspires me and gives me an idea and I just know that I have to do something with it. Ultimately it will bring you back to the crossroads of should I do this or should I not regardless of whether or not I have the talent?

There's no such thing as a an untalent author really, just a lazy one.

Sometimes it felt like I couldn't breathe, every time I looked on social media, and was reminded how well everyone else was doing. So, I looked for distractions to make me forget.

And it became an unhealthy loop of feelings of stagnation.

A full year has passed, and I think I can confidently now say that I know what the problem is, and I know what I need to do now.

1. Stop pulling up YouTube when you write

Everyone says to stop using social media so much. And I always thought because I used few, also that since I had nothing to do it was fine, but it's one of the main reasons why I find myself unable to take a breath and just live in the moment. Because I'm distracting myself every second I forget the time- of course I feel as if I'm not living or alive.

When I'm writing I sometimes pull up the YouTube tab out of habit, but I realize now it's a black hole, it'll give you(me) inspiration, 9 times out of 100. But it doesn't help if you never take a break to act on it.

+Stop reading manga and watching anime. You think you're gonna take a break and read something only to get so absorbed you're no longer in the headspace to write.

2. Don't grab your phone in the morning right away/ Use your phone less

I've seen it mentioned in mind valley videos before. Sometimes it's really important to just reset yourself and remember what it's like to live and function without internet.

3. Go to bed by 11.

Because waking up in the afternoon only makes the day go by faster, I tried to push myself to stay up more to do more only to end up with less hours in a day which equals less work, which equals me feeling like unproductive trash. My eyes always start glitching when it hits eleven and I'm only twenty-four. Writing eats up a lot of hours. I know some people don't write for that long and have different rituals, but whenever I get my creative juices flowing, I don't want to leave my seat even if dinner is called, when I finally snap out of it, 3-5 hours have already passed. The saddest thing is all that work may not amount to anything once re-read. Because the time of day you write something also affects its quality- that's something I've noticed about me.

4. Stop Thinking- Clear your mind

Stop thinking about your finances(I don't know who to address to be honest, I'm talking to myself but...), stop stressing about the future and just live in the moment. Now that I've come to this decision that writing is something I want to do, and there's nothing I can really do to stop this disease. I need to enjoy it, for productivity's sake, I need to clear/empty my mind and forget my circumstances.

Those are my four New-Years resolutions, thanks for reading.

happiness

About the Creator

Bianca Wilson

A college student studying Creative Writing. Webnovel writer, sims 4 simmer, poet and daydreamer.

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    Bianca WilsonWritten by Bianca Wilson

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