From Darkness to Light

I was a shell of a human being. It was as if a black hole was sucking the very life out of me. No emotion. No logic. Just darkness.

As I swallowed the pills, my intention was clear; go to sleep on earth and wake up in heaven. I knew heaven was real; I believed it with every fiber of my being. God existed. I was saved through the blood of Christ Jesus so I was guaranteed a place in glory with my Lord and Savior. I wouldn't have to fight the dark battle anymore; I'd be free from the mental agony!

I woke up in a hospital bed instead. Hooked up to machines in the ICU. My parents and sister waiting for me to regain consciousness. This wasn't heaven; I was still on planet earth. Why hadn't God allowed me to see Him in glory?

The sovereignty of God is extremely difficult to understand. How can a human's finite mind grasp the reality of the supernatural God? Though I should have died, God wasn't done with me yet.

My roommate in the dorm had woken up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and saw me covered in vomit. Immediately concerned, she started to help me to the bathroom only to find that I was limp. As a previously trained RN, she knew something was very wrong. She called 911 and an ambulance rushed me to the hospital. It wasn't my time to die.

Why would a Bible college student try to take her own life? Did something happen to trigger such a serious decision? Yes. Something did happen; mental illness.

Why is it that when someone gets cancer there isn't any skepticism about the severity of their condition? When someone has mental illness, why do people often point fingers at the person and tell them that they did something wrong? Or that they aren't trying hard enough to get better? Why can't mental illness be viewed in a similar fashion as physical illness? The person is sick; their brain isn't working properly. When the brain is unwell, emotions and thought patterns will be affected. Behavior will change. Suicide can become a temptation.

As a Christian, I remember evaluating myself. Why was I depressed? Had I sinned recently? Was I not walking with the Lord? Did I not have enough faith to get better? What was happening to me?

As the depression became darker, my thoughts become more morbid. Heaven became so tantalizing. Death had to be the best way out!

It was disappointing to wake up on earth. Being on earth meant that I was still mentally sick. I still had to fight the darkness in my mind.

Thankfully, love exists on this planet. The love of God, of family, of friends and of people who genuinely care for you. Through such beautiful examples of love in my life, I went from the ICU to the Psychiatric Unit to home. I began taking medication. Going to counseling. I received support from family and friends. I began to heal.

Healing wasn't easy in the slightest. I wrestled with guilt and shame over trying to take my own life. I had a really hard time adjusting to the real world again after wanting to be rid of it. Reconnecting with other people took time; I often preferred to be alone. I had not desire to move forward in a career; what was the point in working? Going to my counseling sessions was very difficult; I hated having to talk about everything I had gone through. Yet, in the midst of our darkest places, God is still there.

James 1:16-17 says, "Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." I had to learn that God's character wasn't diminished by my choice to attempt suicide. No matter what I had done, He is still God. My decision didn't change His love or care for me! As Paul says in Romans chapter 8, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." It was a beautiful truth that I had to remind myself of over and over again.

There is a happy ending to my story about mental illness! I journeyed through the bleakest darkness and was able to step out into the sweetest light! My illness didn't have to define me; God's love did. My hope was found not in myself, but in the power of God. He gave me what I needed to get better and for that, I am immeasurably grateful!

Though I attempted suicide several years ago, I still have to take medication on a daily basis. I no longer need counseling. I am happily married to my best friend and we have started a lovely family! I am also learning more and more about who God is as I grow in my love for Him and all that He has done for me. No matter what happens in life, God is faithful!