Focusing on Yours Truly

For some background context, I've had a very complicated on and off relationship with my mental health for about the past decade. And for most people, 2020 hit really hard. As an introvert, the months of quarantine were probably the best months of my life. I spent almost everyday taking some quiet time for myself. I got to read and/or write every day. And most importantly, I got the chance to focus on my mental health. My stress was at all time lows if not non-existence.

But that all changed when I got the message that I would be returning to work. I should have taken more time to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for returning to my job. (I'm an assistant manager in retail and mostly work around the cash registers so I have a pretty high contact with customers on the daily). I wasn't too worried about going back during a pandemic because my work put forward pretty good practices for social distancing and cleaning, etc. And in all honesty, the first couple weeks weren't that bad. Customers were really understanding and just happy to be able to get back out into the world. But slowly and surely, things turned back to normal with customer impatience and snappy, rude behavior. I was following company procedures and my customer simply went postal on me. Using such fowl and degrading language that I completely broke down. It took everything in my power to not start crying on the spot. As soon as the customer was gone I practically ran to the bathroom and spent several minutes attempting to compose myself before returning.

The worst part about the whole situation was that I felt like I couldn't go to any of my coworkers for comfort because I was so embarrassed about my anxiety and the fact that I "didn't have better control" of it. And I could not figure out why I felt this way. Why did I have to feel embarrassed about something that so many other people are struggling with? As the year went on (and the closer we got into the holiday season) the worse my anxiety became to point where I struggled to breathe, became jittery, overly and easily irritable. And I knew this was no way to live. I shouldn't have to struggle so hard to "be normal" and to hide what I'm actually going through.

Stepping into 2021, I know I deserve better and I want to love myself and give myself the care I need. To help move toward a overall better well being, I've made a list of things I'm will to try:

1. Be positive, this is probably going to be my biggest challenge. I am at heart a pessimist and especially when my depression and anxiety team-tag I have a tendency to spiral. I'm not saying that I have to be the most optimistic person I've ever meant, but I need to try to see the light side of things and not instantly jump to the worst conclusions.

2. It will take some time to break through the stigma and the anxiety I have surrounding telling other people, but I have promised myself to reach out and speak up to my close friends, family, and even my managers when I am struggling.

3. Each day, I will take a moment in the morning and maybe in the evening before bed to breathe and center myself. For a daily check-in if you will.

4. I've never personally believed in the power of crystals, but I'm willing to try almost anything. For about the last two weeks I have worn bracelets with crystals that help enhance inner peace and comfort. I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect or not, but I have noticed a chance in my reactions to situations and I believe it has actually helped me stay calmer during my shifts.

5. Because I know the power of healing crystals won't exactly be the complete help I need, I've also found myself a good therapist and we've agreed that going on anxiety meds is probably the best decision for me right now. I know meds aren't for everyone and I personally have been a sceptic toward medicating for quite some time. I've never agreed to this before because of the stigma revolving around mental health. I've also heard how some meds can make you lethargic and basically change me and I was worried about that. I personally felt that taking meds meant that I was weak and giving up. Now I know, it means that I'm strong enough to know when I need help and the strength to ask for it.

I want to carry this energy into 2021 with me because there is only one me and I deserve to be the best and healthiest me I can be.