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Finding Myself

by C. Ford 12 months ago in healing

who am I...where am I going

Finding Myself

Well, I've decided that once around wasn't enough. So I moved on. I pushed against the currents and I made myself the person I am today. I'm always going to write. I'm always going to think. I'm always going to wonder if things worked out differently, what would my life be like today. I don't really have a reason why. But, I'm a writer. Until I find something else to write about, my main focus is going to be me.

I thought that all of this was going to be easy. Holy cow, was I wrong... Trying to clear out my mind was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I scattered the pieces everywhere. I tore at the edges and wrecked the walls that I had spent so long building up. But in the process, I managed to wreck myself. Then I had to clean up all the pieces. I tore down the main part of me that had held me back for so many years. I knew I had to tear down my brick wall.

Nothing ever just happens in life. Everyone has to work for the things that they need or want. I knew I had to push myself past everything that's been holding me back. In this case, it was my brick wall. There were moments when nothing seemed to ever go my way. But I couldn't lose my heart, I couldn't lose my way. I had to fight. I had to fight back, even if it meant fighting myself. And that's exactly what I did.

But in the back of my mind, I had always wondered, what if tomorrow never came? Everything I said today can never be undone. I had to change who I was, I had to change who everyone thought I was. I finally realized that my life is a gift, not a choice. I knew I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering what could've or should’ve been. I had to get up and I had to change, I had to change myself. I had to let go and I had to finally start living the life I was given.

I was always the person who was in the background. I never really pushed myself to do the things that I loved. I never really pictured life without my brick wall because that was all I knew. But, here I am. I'm on the other side of this wall. I'm here saying goodbye to the thing that held me back since I was thirteen. I’m here looking back at the wall as I walk into my future.

Dark brown, long hair. Short, green eyes. Black eyeliner, skinny jeans, and band t-shirts. Music blasting in my headphones as I held a pencil and a paintbrush in my hand. This is who I am, who I’ve always been. My face is and will forever be embedded into that brick wall. How I looked at life was like a warm meal growing cold. I had to do something. I had to change. I also had to face the fact, I had to realize that I had to accept myself for who I was. I had to realize that I was the one that made me this way. I always knew that no matter how rough things get there’s always light somewhere. Here I am, so many years later without that wall that had held me back for so long. Here I am looking ahead to my future, leaving that wall behind me. The rest of the sky may be dark and cloudy, but that little bit of blue shining through the clouds drags me on.

healing

C. Ford

Just a girl, trying to find her way in this creative word.

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