Finding My Self-Worth

The last six months or so have been one hell of a whirlwind journey for me. For some reason the universe decided to send me a wake up call of sorts. It wasn't until six months ago that I realized that I had fallen out of love with myself years ago. I hated the way I looked. I didn't believe people when they would compliment me or say good things about me. I always just thought that I was being humble once it came to that.

But six months ago I just had a complete "a-ha" moment and realized that the reason I did that was because my self-worth was so low. For a majority of my life I felt like I wasn't worth it but I guess at some point everybody feels that way. But I felt so low that there were certain points in my life where I questioned why I even existed. Seriously I did. I honestly no point in existing simply because I didn't feel like I served any purpose in anyone's life. I had friends and all but I didn't have the greatest relationship with my family mainly due to my rebellious nature at the time. But at the same time some of my family didn't approve of what I wanted to do with my life and therefore how I saw myself continued to dwindle down the drain. I didn't feel like what I wanted to do, which was to be a teacher, was worthwhile but I pursued it anyway and I am just a teaching license away from actually being a teacher.

I finally decided to get my teaching license when I moved to Pre-K from Special Education. I was having a hard time in SpEd that I didn't think teaching was worth it anymore. When I moved to Pre-K and saw that I actually loved it and the kids (and at that age they are as honest as they come) were having a great time with me, I realized that teaching was worth it and I decided to finally go back to school to get my teaching license. I finally realized that what I wanted to do was and is worth it and I have made it my goal to have my own classroom one day with my own students and realize my dream. Now I am looking at schools that are affordable and can give me the teaching license I need.

As for my self-worth as a woman, well I never really had any. I was never skinny or a normal weight for most of my life and my weight was always criticized. My grandmother has always and still does criticize my weight. I never found myself attractive, I still don't really. And with that comes the following questions: am I beautiful enough for a man to like me? What can I do to look like those models I saw in magazines and ads? What man can see past my body and like me for me? Questions like that raced through my mind all the time and they still do despite the fact I am married. But I finally realized that my self-worth as a woman shouldn't be based off how I look. I mean yes I have a little more than the average woman but that doesn't change the fact that I am just as valuable as a woman who weighs less and more attractive.

I know I have a big heart and that I love hard and that's what matters. I know that I'm a good person and do good things. Now not everything I do is right but I've learned from past mistakes and will learn from any mistakes I make in the future.

And that is perfectly acceptable.