Falling In Love with ME

Self love..What a bit of irony it is to preach that daily to my 5 children, yet so much of 47, ok almost 48, years on this spinning rock, I have loathed myself.

Growing up I was a plain Jane, a bit over weight, but at a young age I learned to cover it all up with being the most helpful, the most funny, the most everything..except..it was all a facade..At the end of the day, I was the poor kid, the overweight kid, the lonely kid, the kid nobody seemed to notice unless she was making jokes or doing others homework.I was invisible..till I wasnt..till I hit 14 and found boys..Oh ..I found boys alright..these big boobs and full hips drew them like flies, all the wrong ones..the ones who dont look you in the eyes in the high school halls the next day, the ones who I just let use me,and I used them too.. just to feel noticed, To feel something besides lonely.

I was raised by an emotionally inept mother and a Dad who worked all the time and only had time for 1 child, and that was my older brother, who had been molesting me from age 7 to age 11. Both sets of grandparents didnt seem to notice I existed unless they needed garden work done or wood stacked or until my maternal grandma remarried when I was 13..And I went to live with them and take care of my older step grandfather, and on the second week, my step Grandpa grabbed my breasts, oh boy..just when I thought I was safe.. I tried to tell my grandmother, lie I had tried to tell others years ago what my brother was doing, but I was raised to keep silent, so the words never came out of my mouth till years later...Standing over my Grandmothers grave..I told her everything..EVERYTHING...I married for the first time, oh yes, I've been married 3 times, I was 18, it lasted 7 months and produced my oldest son. He was emotionally abusive and a drug addict.i soon divorced him, had a babygirl 1 year later with his step cousin, yes...I was looking for love anywhere and everywhere..That reltaionship lasted about as long as it takes a ice cream cone to melt, I was 20, a mom of 1 and 6 months pregnant. At 23 I met my 2nd husband, 10 years older then me, and alchoholic, abusive, had 2 boys with him..then his liver gave out 7 years into it. I thought it couldnt get worse...But it can. I married again 4 years later, pregnant the same month, this one was mentally, physically abusive..I soon left with 3 of my children, my oldest was 18 and was out on his own. the change in ne didnt happen all at once, but little by little I realized that if I didnt change me, the core of me, that would be all my children ever seen of me, someone who was a mess..

And little by little I started to treat myself with kindness, to forgive myself for the bad choice I had made, I learned from my mistakes, at the age of 42 years old I found hope and love and faith, deep inside of me..and I let my little light shine..

As my self love grew, so did my smile and happiness, so did my need to BE the person I had always wanted to be..I went back and earned my High school deploma, went on to collage and I am now a Registered nurse..

Change didnt happen overnight,and many times ive had to walk away from letting myself fall into the arms of another bad mistake. Once I began to love myself..I realized just how much I am worth as a Woman, a Mother, a Friend and my value is no longer found in the eyes or arms of the wrong person..

At any point in your life you can call PLOT TWIST and change direcion to the way that feeds your soul and makes you truely happy..

Thank you for reading this.. For anyone who feels alone or questions their self worth..I don't know you, but I LOVE YOU and you are IMPORTANT!