Emancipation Of Mental Felo De Se

Words seem to have failed me from the moment I was born. I was barely a year old when I refused to speak and be heard with my own voice. If I was hungry or needed something from the kitchen counter for example, I would sign an adult with my body expressions for assistance or I would just climb a chair myself to fetch whatever it is that I was wanting to obtain. Memories of my early years are sometimes faint but are still embedded in my flesh and bones well enough for me to feel them again and believe it did come to past. Fast forwarding to my last year in high school, the least effort I had put into a subject was for my English class. I almost did not graduate on time if it were not for the supplemented grade bump our teacher generously offered to his students who barely scored a D+. And if I am truly being honest, I did not want to complete that extra task either, merely because I just did not care for this subject at all. But I turned the assignment in anyway because I was in need to save myself from beatings I was sure to encounter at home if I brought more shame to her and the family. My name is Aimee Ortega. I am using my least strongest attribute to tell a story, Our Story. My mother once angerly advised me, while crying my 7 year old snot out after being scolded by her, “if you can’t say it, write it down!”. I was not sure whether to take this advice as a stepping stone or if it was only meant to stone me to the ground, but I was, to say the least, very angry at her for giving me mixed signals from the moment I was challenged to question what it means to be home. I wrote what I thought I needed to write at that moment of emotional distress but I have not written anything like it since, at least, not for a very long time. Now, at the age of 35, I managed to make the most of my experiences and I now write for personal healing from my past and free myself from my own mental prison that I have locked myself in for a very long time. This is my tell-all-tale and I will begin at my first end.

Death

In 2016, I wanted to commit suicide, for the second time. Prior to that, the first daring thought of killing myself was a little after 2009. I was very depressed long before then but I was more committed to attempting it when I finally succeeded in separating myself from all my own friends and blood relatives. Although, I was being cradle by my boyfriend and his family at that time, I was still fully detached from feeling safe within my own idea of security and comfort. I mean, how could I? I did not understand what those words really meant. Being raised poor and believing only in the word, lack, I was trained to fear for being alive. I was very familiar with the word lack. If I were to engage in a conversation then, my response would almost always reply with the energy of lack. Do you want a box of colored pencils for your art hobbies? No thank you, I do not want you to spend money on me because I have no way of repaying you. Do you want the last piece of sweet malasadas? Yes, because I do not know when I will have another one. Do you want to become your own ‘dream come true’? Not possible for a person like me. I’m a nobody, I’m worthless, I’m a waste of breathing air. I feel for the people who passed my way and struggled to connect with me in an emotional level because I had this deep rooted belief that I was only a burden to anyone who came close to me. So, I pushed. Sometimes, I pushed too hard. I consider the ones who got closest to me to be the most bravest. The lion hearts who held the strength I needed to balance my downfall. I call them the lovers. They need not be romantic. They only needed to carry compassion in their hearts for me in whatever degrees they chose to express it, whether physically or emotionally. Regardless of their relation with me, they played their role and I responded accordingly with my preconceived conditions. My sincerest apologies for those whom I have wronged in their eyes. Becoming more aware of my actions, I sought for a resolution. The lover at that time suggested psychiatric therapy. Having health insurance from the hotel job I had at that time gave way for the first five appointments for free for new clients. So, I made my first appointment. Randomly selecting a name on their list, my first impression of a therapist did not satisfy my needs at all. I arrived early but administered late. I waited in a closed off room with no windows and no fresh air to breathe. I walked into this woman’s office and her blinds were down and shut. She, herself looked miserable. Dark circles around her eyes, depleted energy from only half the day, expressionless face and no sense of any comforting welcome for her new client. She began with a few standard questions, followed by prompting me to speak my mind, then told me that my time was up. I felt even more angry having left her office than I was when I had arrived. I vowed not to meet with another “professional help” ever again after that day.

Year 2016 came along. I was still breathing but was barely living. I was with a new other lover, yet still having no family or close friends with intimate contact with. I may have reached out to my mother once or twice, my sister more, but have fallen back even deeper, distancing myself from them even further than I have been before. Although, no one really questioned it. Either, they really could have cared less for me or I was just darn good at hiding my agony. But the truth remained prevalent in my mind, that I had completely given up trying to survive. I was going nowhere with the excessive amount of energy I was exerting to make some sort of meaning with my life. I saw no way out but through. I remember that night very clearly. It was a full moon in October, just a few hours before midnight. I had just gotten off from a slow shift at work, which meant I had a lot of time to think. Having also witnessed a car accident right in front of me at the hotel’s employee driveway when I was walking out to my Honda. It brought me an increase agitation and anxiety. As soon as I got in my vehicle, I drove straight to my rented room in Encino, California where I had him meet me. What I said to him basically lined it up for me. I whimpered close to something like “you have to leave me because I do not know how to leave you. And if you don’t break up with me, I might just have to kill myself.” I was begging for freedom. I was begging for a release. I was begging for mercy. I could not even fathom the imagery of what the outcome might be, but the incessant longing for Self was digging into my subconscious blackhole, draining me of my tears and filling me with misery. Was it possible to be on my own? Am I really capable of stepping forward with courage to walk the unmarked trails ahead of me? Can I fully trust my mental and emotional health to guide me toward the least resisted path for the attainment of something that feels “good”? Is it possible to reverse, or at least understand, my thirty years of human conditioning from my own pre-molded cognitive functioning? In summary, will I make it out alive by myself? I figured then, that a price needed to be exchanged for such a demand I was asking from someone or something. What is the cost for freedom? What is the fair barter for mental clarity, for self truth? What is it that I own right now that I can offer in exchange for an equal value? I was blank in the mind, I was numb to feeling. The only answer I could come up with, for whoever or whatever I was having a conversation with, came instinctively, giving no ounce of dismissal to the thought. So, in return for full sense and solace, I offered to completely surrender my soul and body. I buried my old in the grave I have long since dug out and allowed her to depart from me however she deemed appropriate that night. “Whatever I’m in for, from here on out, it better be fucking epic!” I may have cursed myself by saying that.

The Spiritual Unborn

Today is Saturday, September 25, 2021 as I write this very sentence. It has nearly been five years since I have been stepping with my new kicks. What has become of Aimee Ortega within the last one-seventh of her lifetime? Simple, she opened her eye.

Let me take this paragraphically space and your rate of reading time to deliver what I deem to be vital for the reader to observe prior to sinking into my thought journal. Mam-sir, the information that I am about to disclose to the conscious reading mind (whoever made it this far), will be exposed to what I consider an extreme mental undoing that only I, the writer, could take and will take full responsibility for the actions taken regardless of how it is written or presented. But it is completely open for personal interpretation to any audience who is willing to understand and act on at any level. I intend only to indicate a linear conveyance for pure thought, although, the possibility of a helix unravelling via my storytelling may muddle the questioner. Proceed with your own box of beliefs and never allow my choices to dictate your own truths. My heart (yes, my beating four chambered muscle), is opening up to you now. You are welcome to enter in and be, just be and see for your self one other reflection of you.

After undergoing a fierce detachments of “old energy” relationships, humans or otherwise, I naturally inquired as to who or what else is there to place my trust into. Right away, you would say to me, I should trust in myself. Indeed, I would agree with you completely if I were the reader right now. But I’m not the reader. I’m the writer. So, my follow question then is, who is this Self before the knowing of Self? — the minding of Self? Ah.. Aimee had become a serious inquirer of the BIG questions. Still, you cannot help but not surpass the dominating curiosity at this point in time, which is, am I worth your time reading through my written axioms to perceive what could possibly be answers to your own questions? Or what do I know that you have yet to perceive and can you trust me in taking you there in a wholesome and holistic manner? In which then, I return to you with this question to answer — will you allow yourself to read the answers from the questions I just proposed?

This is how spirituality had been for me. A trail of deceptive open-ended questions with no-one to truly answer them but my Self. I trusted no one else to deliver me the answers. Sure, it got me out of my “broken heart” funk when I was trying to get over the string of personal attachments with people, things, and habits. But, now that I have “let go” basically everything from physical matters to preconceived values, I am now left with an empty soul.

I was born a Christian and raised as a Christian. But I discontinued my religious services shortly after high school when it was made absolutely clear to me that God did not exist. And since I was not pleasing anyone with the choices I was making, I decided to not surround myself with any of them anymore as well, regardless of who they were to me at any given experience in this lifetime. Mother, father, siblings, friends, coworkers, and even animals. Talk about ultimate shunning of human connections. I refused to be re-influenced by old beliefs that did not serve me well at all, at least from my understand at that time. This is still true to this day thought, but in a milder and holistic sense. I jumped from being heavily controlled by relationships, to not having any personal relationships, to which, I absorbed in other types of influences. I closed myself off to the old ways of thinking and opened myself up to what “new” that could be, based on my own experience of it. I allowed by my willingness to choose what I wanted to influence my empty me. This was the process. I underwent a not-so-merciful self-interrogation course to guarantee myself that I was thinking my own thoughts, speaking my own voice, and hearing my own developing truths.

So, what then, are the reigning influences that I have gathered to establish as my collection of credences in which I am now claiming to be my very own solidified foundation of truths? And am I truly standing firmly on it now? That if it were to be tested, could I be shaken off? What proof do I have that make this to be true for me and how could it benefit you by knowing it for yourself? I have tested my own theories on several occasions. Beginning with a small example: speaking my truth. I have driven away relationships in the past because I was unsure about my own beliefs then. Now, I still propel some away because I have gained enough confidence in my beliefs I have seeded within my words and actions, that a few passerby's that have not surrendered to their own truths could not level with me on either in an intellectual or emotional level. This pure “goodness” within my beliefs though, are keeping healthy relationships near my core and is enough to keep me moving forward and having a staying power to hold my ground. I came to realize that I had set myself on a path to attaining my most purposeful dream and I am not about to give up on it until it is made into a reality. I was going to give into felo de se, but since I was pulled away from that situation, I figured, my direction is now to try the opposite action of offering my body in servicing you, the humanity as a whole. This rung a very pristine sound for me and I could not turn away from it even if I tried. (And yes, I have tried. Please forgive me for almost having given up. LOL).

These past five years of activating my Sagittarian search-for-higher-knowledge energy has taken me beyond my cognitive boundaries of self-awareness. My surveying of Self capped when I was continually witnessing an increased acts of violence, deceit, and moral defiance in this world which my physical body existed on. Denying that they were not real would be defying myself and the principles that I have acknowledged to be my absolute virtues. So, I continued on with my search for “solutions” that no longer concerned my personal human necessities. I trust that I need not state the countless wrong doings of both current and historical acts of betrayals against humanity to the reader. Instead, I would hope that by disclosing my own actions based on my willingness to regain peace and harmony in this world, I am able to illustrate the severity of reasoning I chose to assert, having no regrets with my experiencing of mental and emotional discord that befell my critical subsistence in the process.

I had resigned from my long standing costumer service position in December of 2017. I had been steadily employed since after graduating high school. Relocation were certain but I would always had a job that followed another wherever I lived. So, when I, or what I regarded at that time, my Spirit, had nudged me to put in my two weeks resignation letter for my last “real” job and none to follow, I became highly apprehensive and extremely intimidated with myself and the unknown possibilities. But something kept convincing me that it was for a “good” reason. So, I gave in. I have been unsteady with employment for about four years, taking menial jobs only to suffice my modest livelihood. I withdrew everything from my savings and 401k, accepting no aid from the government but only receiving support from those near and those I could trust. I took on a few babysitting jobs, worked at a facility for adults with disabilities, and even only volunteering at a preschool. I did not participate it any illegal selling of any kind. I did not even ask for money for the belongings I was purging. All of this was my way of letting go of the need to control my future. I did not want to repeat what only brought me disheartening torment and sorrows. In return for my societal absence, I used what time and resources I had to keep looking for the “remedy” for our World sufferings by studying my Self, entirely.

“nosce te ipsum” — know thy Self — Temple of Apollo, Delphic Maxim

Sometime in 2018, I was given an opportunity to work for a CEO I used to wait on at the restaurant he came in almost weekly. He found me working at a Subway restaurant one night and asked me if I would be willing to be his personal assistant. Having met him and his family already, I quickly jumped to the offer. Cutting through the details, I only lasted a few days with him, a week at the most. Though the experience was not all too pleasant, I came to a conclusion that I have received what I needed from him and that was his advice. He said to me, “in order to become successful in anything you do, you must pay yourself first.” This was not the first time I have heard this. But having directly told this from an obviously well-off business owner, it was a clear indication for me on what I needed to do next. I collected my cash wage and said my thank yous, then went back to Subway only as an on-call employee so I may have more time with what I was most focused on.

I reasoned with myself — if the World leaders are playing unfairly with the people of this earth, then that grants me to play tough with them in return to claim true justice for humanity. Pardon my vulgarity but fuck injustice. I have seen enough from my own experience and from the experiences of others to do what is right and needed to be done. My way of giving the false leaders the middle finger is by constructing my own foundation and security through my own intended actions. You and I can engage in a series of parleys on how major societal systems are now broken. But I prefer not wasting anymore time rehashing old patterns. Rather, I invite you to consider new possibilities with me to create a positive universal undoing. Brené Brown stresses the significance of vulnerability and showing up with courage. Though she may or may not agree with my interpretation of it, this is my personal real-life exhibition for everyone else to discern and take upon as they will.

It is a given that the only person who could carry out my own ambitions was myself. I did not believe in waiting for others to perform my rebellious agendas without having had challenged the concepts myself. So, beginning with the economic component of the fear-based behavioural patterns, where over fifty percent of the world’s population struggle to maintain financial, mental and emotional stability, it made sense for me to proceed with my intended purpose. After working for the CEO, I soon made an executive decision to fall away from any financial responsibilities that were under my name. Simply, I borrowed money and have not repaid them. But what was spent then was used to maintain my false security, my distorted sense of social equity, and my recurring submission to societal drudgery. Four years (and counting) of rebellion against the mainstream belief that a person is valued only according to her/his/their contribution of time and energy to the system that does not support their individual talents and unique sets of skills. Subjectively speaking, I believe in a world more colorful and bright, and forgiving, possible only when we unite as a whole to support the creative individual. Some may already have attempted such undertaking for reason I do not know. I am doing this for reasons I share with you. The actions I have taken and what I have gained from them is to prove to anyone who is willing to make a change within themselves and/or the world at large that there is nothing to fear when you prioritize your Self.

It is also pertinent for the reader to grasp that you are not responsible for me. The consequences resulting in exposing my ongoing disposition are my own to bear. I believe I have gained enough insight to prepare myself for such possible outcomes. In regards to the receiver of my thoughts right now though, meaning YOU, I would very much like to propose a joyful outcome for yourself and the world around you. This is an idea that very much excites me and gives me hope just by the thought of it. It is this, if enough people in the world is made aware of this thought, meaning, my voice spoken through my actions, then the vision of restoring power back to the individual will soon manifest and will uniformally be supported by the whole. Simple. Not to say that the process is easy. On the contrary, it is extremely challenging. But, to combat the opposing energies that is troubling the world right now, one must fully return to Self. If you would allow me, I offer my widened perceptions I have gained through spiritual, emotional, and mental attunement through my own process and can be there for you to show you YOUR OWN WAY to personal freedom. Your choice.

On the other side of the spectrum, you may disregard this whole movement altogether. Advancing me to the darker side of thought: imprisonment behind bars and/or numbing me with medications, to which then, I will be displayed for shaming. Or, on the softer side of the shade, I could just simply return to a menial job (if anyone would hire me after this) and disappear from your view completely. Be that as it may, the outcome is still quite predictable. If the world is not yet open to this new way of harmonizing imbalance, then the world will continue fighting the old fight, depleting humanity of its “good” energy and natural resources. It was once stated that universal theology is not the purpose but universal experience is possible and is very necessary. This spiritual unborn have been gestating in your collective conscious womb to be birthed by you. The question now is, will you embrace me as your own child and play the good win together or will you abort me and continue to repeat what has already been played out?

Words of the Collective

Words of affirmations, the collective beliefs of the positive kind, have guided me through many adversities. Mind you, it was not I who came up with these sayings. You have. I only implemented them in my daily routines as you were throwing them at me as if it were the truths “good” people lived by. You, as a collective, displayed them on your social media, commercials, products, movies, lyrics, poems, art, memes, games, cover pages, presentations of all sorts, you name it! Whether you are a leader of a massive empire or a small talent in a least recognized country, the energy behind these words you have put out are immensely powerful. I was hearing and feeling the “good” in the collective. Imagine the many minds who are involved in delivering these mottos! The combined time, effort, and sacrifice made behind the curtains of tropes, quotes, and motifs are undoubtedly significant to the solivagant. I opened my mind to them and I felt the emotions behind them. You said it, I heard it (as best as I could). I allowed myself to believe in them. Your positive thoughts and attractive displays would pop-up numerous times for me to see, continuously throughout my day-to-day. Especially, during heavier times when I struggled to keep my focus on the main goal. Those were the times when you really made me believe that what I am pursuing is real (as real as it can get in my mind, and real enough for me to formulate into my reality at the most opportune timing). I had allowed your positive vibes to engrain within me the notion that there is still “good” in humanity despite the opposing circumstances we see in the news today. No doubt, pain and hardships are very real to many people. This too, I have seen and felt directly and indirectly. Hence, in traversing between the good and the bad required a lot of pull from you good humans. For me to have been able to dig my deepest in the dirt so the scarab could roll the dung for everyone to see, you acted as my angelic cord that pulled me out from my depths at the most synchronistic timing, and that which I am infinitely grateful for. You taught me to discern between truths, by questioning the gap, then testing the quality of OUR WORDS. Then, I choose to believe in them again and again until it is proven untrue. They are the truths that carried the light that lit my way through my darkest of days and blinding of nights summarized in the fewest number of words. Thank you for gifting me with your coalesced wisdom. Now, I return them to you with actions backed behind them with potent positive intensions. “Dream Big, [Think Simple]”, “Anything is Possible”, “Love is Good”, “All is One”, “Never Give Up”, “Everything is Mental”, and “Be Fearless” are just a few examples. Of course, the “I am” affirmations such as, I Am Abundant, I Am Worth It, I Am Loved, and so on, are also included in my tool box for self-recalibration. Though, what seemed to be virtuous and morally faultless phrases, they brought me an equal volume of stress and anxiety because they are devotees of the Laws of the Universe. Nonetheless, I still bear both extremes on each shoulders, bringing me mental just and clear contrasts. A knowing I will never trade for anything.

In conclusion, the only governing force that would kill me now is my ever incessant pursuit to fulfill my Soul’s Will. To name that Will is surrendering to my ego and that would certainly lead me astray. Like the thorns of a rose, steering away from the stem would only hurt the admire. So, rise then I to my Soul’s will to the heights of my blooming surrender as my petals relaxes into my own magnificence. Then, you and I will witness together what we are eyeless to its course. Brave the unknown. Beauty is just beyond the fear.

The Rebirth Rhythm

It has been eight months since I moved from California to Hawaii. Back with my mother and sister, back with my family. I took a serving job at a country club but that did not fit. Two months is all it took for me to realize I needed to quit. But I earned enough to pay two months rent, food and this website. So, I may finalize the work that I have been laboring day and night. Three days is left for me here at 333C Keaniani. After that, I do not know where I will be. They say taking high risk will reap high returns. I have tossed the dice long ago to see what turns. Rewarded or penalized, I am blinded until I am realized. I have placed my bets on humanity, to see my dreams form into reality. I have hopes in joining together, to make the world a little better. Because I believe in a brighter future, through the wounds we are to suture. Brave your fear to see it through, the passing of time and lessons taught true. Let not settle in my words alone. Listen to your heart, the history in your bone. We are all orbs of energies, the secret to life’s main source of remedies. Open wide your mind, to feel Earth’s love, gentle and kind. Let us hold each other’s hand, to connect and set free a harmonic band. Enter now the abyss, the unknown resonating bliss. Rest not in your dismay. We are here as children, born to play. You may have to crack the crystal, in order to reveal your arrival, the bridge of seven spectral rays, directing all the right pathways. Home is where you long to be, a well deserve lot and a stable security. Let us walk together you and I, the journey that speaks of the All-Seeing Eye. Set your sight on the stars up high, with feet rooted deep, angels will witness you fly. I celebrate you my friend, the cast member of a glorious end. Here we are now. So, let us all take a bow. Closing the old book and taking one last look. See where we have been, the struggles and pain we were in. Weary you might be but strong you are to me. Because I see my reflection in you, the beauty, the song, the swirling jovial hue. Colouring my verses with marvelous universes. Thank you for your light, so heavenly and might. My heart beats serenely, because you are now whole, a masterful anomaly.

Enter the mind of www.aimeeortega.com