Drowning in Depression

Every day is a shade of black and white, there are no rainbows. Just hurricanes, storms, and thunder, but the sun never appears. Unlike most people, I am different. I have one emotion, sadness, which is the most difficult to control. It is a strong sentiment that randomly bursts in my heart at the wrong moment, and from there it courses through my veins and into my nervous system taking a full swing. When it possesses me, I am overpowered by it. I crumble down in an isolated corner and wrap my arms around my knees allowing tears to explode out of me. When I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I find a depressed girl with violent tears streaming down her dead eyes. Most of the time, I don’t know why I am sobbing or why my heart feels like an empty void, but I do know that I am suffering from depression.

When my family laughs with sheer happiness, I don’t feel the same joy. When my uncle shared his news of marriage last month, I didn’t share the same delight. All I feel is empty darkness in my heart. Yet, when someone smiles at me, I stretch my lips out of politeness masking my dead emotions. I smile until my lips hurt. Although I envy the happy people around me, I do not show my tears to them. I hide it. I try to act happy and flow along with the crowd even when my heart doesn’t belong there. Even when my throat begs to let out those dying screams of sorrow, I bury everything in and smile the painful, convincing smile.

I do not see the glitz and glamour of this world as everyone does or a bright future for myself. All I see is time is betraying us. It’s speeding past me, leaving me abandoned, alone in the corner. I have no idea who I am or what I want to be when I grow up. I don't envision a ‘perfect future’ in the same way that everyone else does. The person in front of me doesn’t know how I feel nor does my family know how I feel. No one knows. Sometimes, my tears do betray me, and I feel ashamed when they trickle out without my permission. When my family asks what’s wrong, I simply don’t know how to answer. The answer to the question remains unknown, even to me. I don’t know the reason for my tears, and I don’t think people around me will ever understand. I feel broken and alienated in this world, estranged from the rest of mankind with a single permanent emotion accompanying me.

Before I see a psychiatrist or consume anti-depressants, I decide to research. The internet considers depression, a serious illness, a mood disorder that is related to one’s phenomenological and biological factors. It drowns a person in a sea of negative thoughts and inside a world of dark hopelessness. Some websites advise seeing the psychiatrist before the condition worsens while other articles differ. Some claim that depression is due to the repetition of continuous stressful events that slowly sprouts to something deadly and monstrous that plays with a person’s psychological factors. Others say that young people who are exposed to social media and antidepressants are the most vulnerable to this mood disorder, and due to Covid, depression in young people seems to be high. For some reason, I believe this source.

One evening, I go to see a trusted pharmacist so he could provide some recommendations for my illness based on his knowledge. We sit together and I open up about my conditions. Knitting his brows, he attentively listens. I ask him about the common drugs that are most likely prescribed to depressed patients, and he tells me that there is a countless variety of antidepressant, all of which takes different routes to fulfill the particular goal of forcing the brain chemicals to control one’s mood functions.

I nod and after some silence, I ask, “Is it curable and effective?”

A look of disappointment crosses his face, and he tells me antidepressant dosages come with great risks if the regular dosage is skipped during the day which will cause a higher disturbance not only to the mind but sometimes to the body as well. “It can cause you to shake, come down with a fever, suicidal thoughts, injuries, affect your sleeping routine, and sometimes it doesn’t even cure you, it simply just worsens your depression.” he says. According to him, it is like a temporary curable medication, it can be dangerous at times because the dosage has the power to up and down.

Deep in thoughts, I feel lost again. He consoles me that most often depression is due to Covid; people are caged in the house and lured by the internet, their minds dominated by it. He tells me that people in the past participated in outdoor activities like hiking, chores, farming, playing. They spent their days finding pleasure in greenery and nature which was what kept them away from depression.

“You’re right!” I answered, thinking about his wise words, processing everything in my head. For this sudden moment, I suddenly have the courage to take a great leap in my life and fix everything. He tells me that he advises his patients to prevent negative thoughts and not give up in life, rather schedule an entertaining activity that keeps one distant from social media, something that one would find pleasure in and also be proud of one’s positive accomplishment.

On my way home, I consider his words to my heart and my heart feels a lot better. I tell myself that the first thing I would do when I get home is to enroll myself in a creative activity that I would love. Who knows, maybe I will feel better.

I am suffering from depression, and I repeat to myself once again that it will soon get better. If not today, then perhaps one day.