Dodging Bullets

Do you ever look back at something that happened in your life, something you fought hard in the moment to keep or not lose, and today you’re grateful you lost it? I do. I had a miserable six years in my first marriage. When it was falling apart, I tried to hang on with all my might, and now I look back and don’t know why. Its demise was a blessing in disguise, and I dodged a bullet that would have propelled me onto a different trajectory, one to the pits of hell.

I was young when I married for the first time. Okay, at 24-ish, I wasn’t really young, but I was inexperienced in love and dating. I was a late bloomer, what can I say? I think back now and understand that I married because I thought what we had was love. It really wasn’t. It was convenience, insecurity, and sex; nothing more. It unraveled quickly over the six years because there was no substance to it.

We were two people with very different minds. I was a book-smart, nerdy girl on a trajectory toward university, and he was going nowhere fast. He was uneducated and not exceptionally bright. Our conversations, or rather mine, were dumbed down to his level of education, which left me bored. As we reached the point where we had little to say and the newness of our passion evaporated, there was nothing left.

His friends were his peers, not mine. My friends stopped coming around or seeking me out because of that, too. They didn’t like him much and didn’t think he was right for me. They were right. When the marriage finally dissolved and they began coming around again, I saw things more clearly. I saw myself more clearly. I had wasted the best years of my life, six long, arduous years. I had given up myself, my goals, who I wanted to become, and a myriad of other things that are better not lamented any longer.

When it was falling apart, toward the end of our marriage, I fought hard for it. I am not someone who particularly likes preventable failures, so I dug in. That was a mistake that only added more wasted time to the misery.

Eventually, the divorce was finalized, leaving me with so many questions and scars that I would spend the next 30 years trying to overcome. I did overcome.

I found a wonderful man, married him, and raised a family with him. We have been married for over twenty-five years. Our son is already out on his own, living his dreams. This is what I should have waited for. I often think and wish I had met my husband first. I believe I would have avoided the mistakes I made in my first marriage. But what do I know? It could have blown up just as readily as my previous marriage. I was young, he was young, and youth has its negatives.

When you are young, you run a great deal of the time on impulse and hormones. The brain and wisdom you have yet to acquire take a back seat. There should be a warning label on your twenties, saying you will make rash decisions and wish you hadn’t.

I am not saying I did not learn from my first attempt at married life. No, I learned a great deal about what not to do and what to do in partnership and love. I gained immeasurable wisdom, but it came at a high emotional price. Maybe that, too, is for the best, since you become a little harder and more skeptical about your choices, so you think them through with greater attention to detail. I am all for carefully analyzing all the possibilities before jumping into the deep end of the shark-infested waters.

Do I have regrets? Yes. Some. Would I have wanted it to go differently? I am not so sure.

As you grow up, you begin to understand that everything happens for a reason. Most of the time, it is to gain needed wisdom. This wisdom is necessary as we age, and it is most important when you raise a family and try to impart needed wisdom to their discernment.

I don’t think I would have been the same person had I not gone through the mishaps of my youth. I really don’t think I would change anything that happened back then, because that might have changed who I became, who I am, and the life I have with the man I love. Maybe I would have missed out on the boy I love, too. No, I wouldn’t want it any different. I am all right with how things are. I am happy with who I am and how my family has turned out.

I imagine what would have happened had I been successful in staving off the divorce. Let me tell you, it still would have ended in divorce. There was no way to save a marriage given the level of incompatibility I had with my first husband. I lost a great deal of respect for that man over six years, and I don’t think I would have been able to maintain that relationship without respecting the man I was tied to.

I respect and admire my current husband. More importantly, I know I love him. I always knew I didn’t love my first husband; I was just in denial for all those years.

Divorce saved me from a failed life. I dodged a bullet when my marriage disintegrated.

I found out a few years ago about my ex-husband and where he is now in his life. I almost laughed at my good fortune when I did.

He had run off with another woman, and they had become pregnant. That was the catalyst for my acceptance of the marriage's finality. A child ideally needs two parents. And I was not going to rob their child of that by keeping a marriage that was a disaster. So I let go.

I believe my ex married her, and it ended shortly after. They had one child. He met another woman and had another child. That ended too. I think there was a third as well, but don’t quote me on that. So this man fathered children with multiple partners, and now all those poor women were on their own, raising their children, no doubt without financial support from him. That could have been me.

He did not like to work. Oh, he had been injured at work and said he was unable to work after that. He got on disability, but he could have worked at something. I know many disabled people who can and do find something to do, even with their disabilities.

His lack of drive was always a problem for me. For several years, I struggled to make ends meet on my income alone. It would not have been sustainable much longer when we ended.

I believe someone was looking out for me those six years. I never became pregnant during the entire marriage. He eventually spread his seed readily and broadcast it far and wide. I thought maybe there was a fertility issue with me, but no. I became pregnant on my honeymoon with my current husband, and three times after that. It was definitely someone looking out for me. I dodged a fifty-caliber mistake.

I know some of you may be going through a horrible separation or dissolution of a relationship you wanted with all your hearts. Not just women. This kind of heartbreak comes to all of us.

I just want to offer some encouragement. It gets better. A lot better. If something ends, something better lies down the path. That better path, you will go into with more wisdom and experience. Let go.

Let go, heal, and move on. Scars take time to heal, so be patient with yourself. Learn from every mistake you made. Yes, you made them. It takes two to tango. Own your part in the demise. Once you do, you free yourself to heal. Accept those things and forgive yourself. Then you can move on with your life and find your prince or princess charming.

He or she is out there waiting to find you.

(Published by Pen With Paper on Medium, June 2026)

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