Do Not Lose Your Inner Gift

Last year, I decided to focus on something that has always been apart of me for quite sometime. I used to treat this element as an afterthought because I drive myself away from it just to indulge in what makes me happy. However, I have grown tired of the same old thing. The Information Technology industry is more cutthroat, than it is a success story. I reflect on the journey of being a IT. fanatic, to the point where I would have a huge chip on my shoulder refusing to knock it off for the sake of my own good. Reality hit me along with the chip as I reflect on the woes of my journey:

• Getting taken advantage of by non profit organizations

• Low-balled for my own blessings

• Being treated like a free customer service call center, instead of a man that desire technology

I hated every single thing about technology because it becomes a rat race, instead of a beautiful form of progression used in a rising industry. Once the message became clear as day that I feel no love in this industry, I managed to pick up the exact same pen that I left ages ago at the desk to begin writing once more. My wife who was tired of my constant complaining about a miserable non fulfilling dead end job, enlighten me to write once more. So I did, I opened up a WordPress and decided to let loose my inner self living in the peak of the pandemic.

Each day, I constantly typed my heart out with topics ranging from marriage, parenthood, past memories, spiritual awakenings, inspirational blogs, and even poetry. I called the blog site “The Inspiring Tree”. It became my pet project until a few months later I made it into a full domain with what little I had in my pockets. Followers grew from 10 all the way up to 400 members. Yet, I always doubted myself because I have this sense of self doubt that seems to be my anchor. I hate the fact that I can not look past my mental woes, so I let it be known through blogs encouraging the strength of self help. Mental health always been a big focal point in my life due to my families past history.

My mother enduring Bi-Polar disorder along with schizophrenia. My uncle falling on the deep end, and family members succumbing to the vices of the streets. Once reality hit that I am the sole survivor as my mother sadly passed away along with my uncle, grandfather, and grandmother over the course of two decades, it became clear that writing has always been my main outlet.

A gift that I carry with the cross across my shoulder. Throughout my time living, a middle aged dreamer, I thrive to continue to give insight on those that need it the most. Individuals who do not have the strength to say “yeah, I am not alright but I am trying to be okay”. We are all survivors in this cruel world that turns like the hands of a DJ turntable. The scratches resemble the pain and the melody is the flow of our daily activities.

As months passed, living in a hotel room to fulfill a dream along with my wife and son, it becomes clear that this blog site became the same issue with computer technology. My words are out there but do anybody care enough to understand. When I demonstrate the ability to write short stories, a cricket gains the attention. Yet, when I talked about my personal life, drama accumulates followers.

I became a madman with a gift. I want to reach the masses but on my own accord. I want to inspire but with material that goes beyond my broken past lifestyle. This blog site became my tomb of frustration and broken visual dialect. Something had to be done to break out of this weird trance. These moments where I did not even want to write or I was writing too much about my harsh conditional moments I am currently living in. So I deleted a year of hard work and wasted money.

Stupid right? Well for me it was like a sudden revelation. I understood my worth and it goes beyond a simple blog site. I seen myself building a non profit agency to help those find their true worth. However, it can not be like this. It shouldn’t be this way of spilling the tea as you will. The Inspiring Tree became a venting session, instead of its true calling.

So I took a break and soon realize that I love writing. I love being able to express myself in the late night hour with some background Lo-Fi Jazz music being played in the background courtesy of YouTube. I soon decided to write a book…which I keep putting to the side as most writers tend to do. Now what? What can I do to reach out and scream that I can write as well? I have talent that I refuse to hold in for nobody to see. Funny I checked my email and seen an email from this website called “Vocal” that my wife suggested that I should post my material on.

A bad experience ago, I tried to post my immature content, but it failed to even bring out the best of me. Once life woes hit, I came back to try again like a rookie boxer trying to learn from his trainer. I do not know where I am going to go with this new found love, but I know for a fact that it is all that I got.

I tried making music which is another story for another time. I tried being a teacher but I need a better surrounding for my knowledge to be accepted. I tried even the over-saturated podcast game, but that felt like a misguided waste. So I am back to square one and that is creative writing. Now you the reader, I know you have a gift within you that always come back like a lovable alley cat needing your affection.

I know there is something that you need to let out of your system, for the sake of your future. These times are scary trust me, as a 36 year old that is still trying to find himself, it gets so rough, but once you see your worth it becomes so fair. Please do not let go of that gift that makes you complete, for it could one day bring the world together just to embrace such a blessing.