Dear Life, I Kinda Found You

When I was about 14, I thought to myself one night, “I want to make a change in the world.” Then, the older I got, I just didn’t care about anything. Seeing what the world was really like, I was like, "How can I help this mess?" So I just gave up on a lot of things. I grew up with no father in my life, but sure had a strong mother. Fast forward and to get pretty deep out of nowhere, depression kicked in around 18 years old. Just like most people in the world, I struggled with how I looked, just wasn’t confident at all with myself, and so many more issues I honestly don’t want to get into. Suicide was definitely an option I thought about multiple times. I definitely couldn’t go through with it because at the last moment, I would just think what life might have in store for me. When I got into this weird moods, nobody could take me out these moods. But I did find two things that could... wrestling and music.

Watching WWE kinda late 90s early 2000s (I was born in 1992 give me a break) was the coolest thing to me, seeing these guys and the storylines just gave me joy. To this day, wrestling holds a special place with me; yeah, I know it’s scripted, but isn’t every single thing on TV? Anyway, Monday Night Raw was my favorite, and I’ll never forget the day my older brother surprised me with tickets to a show. I got to see all my favorites, and since then, I never looked back. I go events all the time now, hoping one day I could work for a company to write for them and help with stories.

Music, man. Music plays a huge part in my life also. Just like wrestling around early 2000s, I started to find what I actually liked. From Nelly to Slipknot, I liked pretty much anything. My first concert I attended was Lil Bow Wow, and I’m sure around the time he was on tour we were probably the same age. I honestly can’t remember a thing from that show. But my first rock concert I believe was Nickelback. Yeah yeah, I know, whatever. But when I went to that, it was insane; lights, pyro, people screaming. It was insane in my eyes, I thought, "Man, I need to do that some day." Around the age of 20, I joined a band with one of my best friends. Doing that took my mind off so much, just letting go on stage was great pleasure for me. Doing shows was so fun; interacting with people on social media was a blast. Then I found a girl.

Moved to Pittsburgh around the age 20 with this girl I was super serious with. This is where I really started my life, gained all my friends and real relationships with people. First job there, I was working at Starbucks, super nervous about it because I didn’t know a dang thing about coffee. Turned out to be a fun job, famous people walked in all the same, so that was cool. Couple years later, relationship took a turn for the worse. I honestly wasn’t in the right state of mind around the time. Looking back at it now, I really wasn’t ready for life yet. Not too long after we split, I found my own place in downtown Pittsburgh. Loved every second about living on my own, but this was really bad for my thinking. I tried to not depend on wrestling and music so much to try to get me out of my moods, so I turned to hanging friends. That was the greatest thing for me in the long run. I’m not a big "go out let’s drink" person, but the people I was around kinda were. I don’t regret anything; everyone was awesome people, just wasn’t my type of environment. Then it came back.

Life started really testing me. Don’t really want to talk about this because I don’t want to put people’s business out there. But all I’ll really say is on my side, I wasn’t right in my head. Friendships were broken, I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. This took a huge toll on me and I finally snapped out of it one day. I came to the realization that I need to cut things off from my life that I personally thought were negative just for me life to be honest. This was probably one of the better things that has happened to me because now, at 27, I started to get life... kinda.

27 years old now, I found the most beautiful woman in the world. I’m definitely in love, she really gets me out of my moods, so my only escape isn’t wrestling and music. She really understands what I went through and takes me for who I really am. I’ve never felt so happy in my life now, eating healthy, thinking positive. Heck, we have a year old dog together. I also have a strong relationship with my mother, something I never really had my whole life. I know my mom really appreciates every second of it now, and I really do, too. I finally kinda got out the funk I used to be in. Like I said earlier, I believe I just needed to butt things out of my life I personally thought were negative. From time to time I still get weird, but I get out those moods so fast now. Seeing my dog and the smile on my woman’s face every day makes me smile and so thankful for what I have now.

Someone once told me, "Life sucks, then you die." The more I think about that, I think, "No, it’s actually pretty cool." Don’t let someone tell you this is how things are and this how things should be. You live your life; which, I just wanna throw in, I’m so proud of one of my best friends I consider a brother, coming out this year about his sexually. Nothing changed a bit, and I’ll forever love him no matter what. You just can’t let people hold you down, if you feel like something or someone is holding you down, just cut it from your life, move on, and be the best person you can be. Life isn’t as hard as it used to be now. I guess I’m really starting to find life.