Dear 2021, It's Not You. It's Me.

New Year's Resolutions have never really been a thing for me. I tend to go with a word or a theme for the year, and let that be my mantra. One year, "You're Going To Do It!" was on a continuous loop in my head, and it was a year of huge achievement for me. Last year, my mantra was, "Balance and Peace."

I don't need to tell you that balance and peace did not happen for me, or anyone else I know in 2020 because last year was chaos on meth, and the first week of 2021 is already trying to top it with even more unimaginable disarray. Only this time, we keep getting a promised light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train.

"When does the light come?" we ask.

"We don't actually know. But it's coming," they say.

Pardon me if I stand on the platform and wait to hear a whistle for a long time before I think it's safe again. I'm getting tired of being run over.

So what are we to do with ourselves after the crash and burn of 2020 with fully depleted faith resolves? Last year, I had tremendous momentum with the things I wanted to achieve before having the rugged ripped out from me like the rest of us did in March.

Quite frankly, it has made me scared to want anything again, lest it becomes a series of setbacks. We can intellectualize and rationalize why these setbacks occurred during an unprecedented time, but we can't deny the emotional toll that takes on us after a year. It's living in that dichotomy of wanting more, but being afraid to go for it, and it's not our own inner saboteur to blame this time. We actually have something to blame outside of ourselves.

Yesterday, as I was watching news coverage of the Capitol insurrection feeling another familiar dread wash over me, an unexpected 2021 mantra came whispered...

"Stay in your power and elevate."

It's a very simple idea for an uncertain time. It's a way to hope without gauging success on specific outcomes. It's a mantra for me that works flexibility into my focus for the year. If chaos is still cooking meth in this trailer park of a country, I can at least anticipate having control over little to nothing but myself, and how I continue to move my life forward in some kind of meaningful way.

Staying in your power is a way to remain in touch with yourself and grounded during periods of upheaval. Living intentionally, being mindful of what you allow to access you and your energy, and checking in with yourself to validate the things you're feeling good and bad takes a lot of the magnification away.

Elevating yourself is as simple as being intellectually and emotionally curious about the world around you. As a middle aged white woman in America, 2020 challenged me to reexamine things like white privelege I never gave much thought about before because my station in life meant I didn't have to. Relationships gained clarity last year because I believed people when they revealed who they are and what they valued. Instead of a benchmark of ___; elevating will be a mantra of trying to observe and participate in life on a higher level. Care about the things we have ignored in the past because we're told a busy life is a happy life.

While 2021's mantra feels wrong because it isn't a laundry list of Type A accomplishments, it does put some kind of framework to build on throughout the year. I'm sorry for the low expectations 2021. It's not you, it's me, and lights at the end of the tunnel make me nervous.