Dear 2019,

I thought past years had tried me, but man was I fucking wrong. When I think back at the year I think of all the heartbreak. The moments where I thought I’d never be happy again. Or the moments where I felt so lost and like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had thought I had already hit rock bottom, but it turns out that there was a basement. If the Bailey at the end of 2019 was to tell Bailey at the beginning of 2019 where she’d be…for lack of better words she’d be suspicious. It’s a cliche thing to say, but cliche’s are cliche’s for a reason. 2019 was the year of heartbreak, but a big year for personal growth. By the time 2019 had rolled around it was time for a new me. The one that needed to find love for herself and focus on finding her own happiness. In the process of growing through heartbreak I changed the parts of me that needed to be changed and learned about some other parts along the way. Genuine happiness was something I didn’t know anything about. The last time I was genuinely happy from within was probably when I was a baby and it was because my mom handed me a cardboard box or some shit. But let me tell you, getting told “you look happier” from people who have witnessed you at your worst is an elite compliment. Through months of focusing on myself and making myself my number one priority I had found genuine happiness from myself; not from some food or friends or a significant other. Those other things just fill a temporary void and it’s unhealthy because when those things leave or are gone, you still feel empty. There’s the saying that you need to love yourself before you love anybody else and I was one of those people that believed in that. Until I realized you need to go through heartbreak to learn how to love yourself. Although I found self love and happiness, my mental health wasn’t the best. I might preach sometimes that it’s important to take care of yourself, but I’ll be the first to admit that I actually suck at doing that. My mental health was a struggle this year which made me realize my mental health has to be a main priority of mine. I never want myself to get that low ever again. Although this past year was filled with one too many lows, there were oh so many highs. Not only did I go to my first concert ever, but I went to a couple more after that. Including one that I took my mom too, which was fun watching my mom sing along to Shaggy. I made so many memories with my best friend that we still laugh about to this day. Later on in the year I spent a good amount of time at the beach which always helped me from being committed. I’ve also met the love of my life. I couldn’t have even dreamt of a love like this yet, here I am. Some might say it’s too good to be true, but I could only hope that everyone has a love like this in their life. A love that is simple, secure, and safe. So although my 2019 definitely felt like two different years, I’m beyond thankful for every up and down I had. If there’s one thing I will most definitely take away from 2019 it’s to truly love myself, flaws and all. It’s okay to not be okay. For the love of everything good in the world, just cry. So, 2019, you’ve been one emotional year…but thank you.