Day 2: Hard Questions

How Day 1 Went

Some things came up for me while I was working on "The Project". When the idea for this challenge first popped into my head yesterday, I thought, "what if I did a 30 day challenge and focused on a singular project? How cool! I could probably finish it by the end. And what if I did that every month? I would finish so many projects! And what if I sold it for cheap and made so much money, like how In-and-Out burgers are cheap and they make a lot of money. Could I be the In-and-Out of writers???" and so on..

So I sat down, like I said I would. I printed out everything, like I said I would, then read through an email my editor sent me with her general feedback. As I was reading, my anxiety went from the size of a tiny match to the size of a campfire. I paused because I wasn't sure how I went from a renewed passionate excitement to avoiding even looking the paper.

So I looked at the context.

The email mentioned it would be interesting to see a connection to the stories and I think my excited, puzzle-loving brain latched onto that when I was in full throttle about this project. I've been trying to connect the stories for a few months when I think about it.

So I asked myself "Does it need to be a collection?" and I uncovered all this pressure, shame, and perfectionism beneath the surface. The box had been opened and The Council had made their appearance.

Enter: The Council

"The Council" is what I call my inner dialogue. It's the personification of my thoughts and it kind of tickles me because a council room of chaotic riff raffs arguing is exactly how I feel in my brain sometimes.

In any case, as I was reading, and starting to think that these stories could stand on their own and there was a lot of pushback. The main arguments were:

"You can't publish something so short. You fraud!" and "wow, who would pay for such a short story. You're delusional." and I had to take a little break because I really did start feeling like a fraud and not worthy of calling myself a writer.

If I had to categorize those thoughts I would say the former is my inner child who demands honesty in all things. She's very concerned about being authentic. She understands that structure means safety but at times, she gets caught up in the rigidness of rules, roles, and rituals. I have to remind her that rules are supposed to help and not hurt us (and not to name-call).

The later is from the inner critique. She's the judge, loves justice, and tries to keep the magical thinking in check. She's invested on keeping us on the path of goodness, even if her rulebook is misguided and based on false prophets and swindlers. I often have to remind her to use the new edition.

Argument One: Would I Be A Less Valid Writer?

When my mind goes in this direction, I have made it a habit to have a real conversation with myself. Are those things I think true? If so, what do I do? If not, how can I get my internal dialogue in order?

In terms of the first argument, my mentor is consistently telling me that things are not as "high stakes" as they seem in my mind. This seems to be a perfect example of that because I had to compassionately explain to myself that this isn't that serious. There's no grade. This isn't a book the NYT promised their readers would be the hottest read of the summer. I'm not a failure if I put out a short book. Short books are fine and fun. Everything is fine and this is a fun experiment. Even if it doesn't turn out how I expected, failures are opportunities for learning.

Over the past three years, my mentor has also helped me develop a positive inner voice and more balanced thinking. So even though the protests of The Council were loud, I was confident because I had receipts.

I told myself, "Novellas are a valid form of writing. Books can come in any length. There is no overarching authority on how long a book should be. Especially when you self-publish. More so than anything, this is a fun project for me. It doesn't even have to be for anyone else. It would just be really cool to make a nice book to put on my shelf."

The Council made peace with that response so I shifted my focus on the first of the stories Julie (my editor) worked on. If it was short, okay, but I wouldn't stop myself if I wanted to add more to it (which I definitely want to do as of today).

Then a couple of really hard questions came up for me: is money a factor? If so, why?

Argument Two: Would I Be A Bad Person For Selling Stories?

This actually led to another mental rabbit hole and a member of The Council had a lot to say:

"Wow, how greedy are you? If you were really passionate about writing, you'd do it for free all the time forever. Poser." and while I don't know where this comes from or how'd they get a seat at the table to begin with, it trips me up every time I consider selling work.

So I took a break, had a snack and thought about it a bit more.

Is my goal to make money from my writing? I don't think it's a primary goal. I think it would be really validating if someone thought my creations were worth purchasing. Deep down I do like the idea of making enough money from something I made to fully support myself. At the same time, I've done freelance writing before and I don't want to live my life in hustle mode anymore. I feel like trying to become a full-time fiction writer would become very stressful. If I'm being honest, I don't have the emotional capacity to do the groundwork I would need to do to make the "big bucks" as this sort of writer.

Why does this feel so hard for me? At this particular point of my life, I've just left "scarcity mode" and honestly, it was awful. At one point, I only had $25 a week food budget and lived in a one bedroom apartment with 7 people. I am still grieving that time in my life. A large part of current me thinks about that. That part screams, "stories brought me so much joy back then. If it wasn't for those free stories, I wouldn't have been able to endure," so the idea of charging for my work almost feels like a betrayal to the me of the past. There's a lot of guilt.

Objective Fact 1: It is not immoral to sell or desire to sell something you create. You put time, energy, and money into creating something. Selling such things is not immoral. People do it every day. If I can believe this about other people, I can try to believe this about myself as well. I don't have to feel guilty about being ambitious.

Objective Fact 2: I do have free work available on a number of sites. While it's a small library, it's a library all the same. If I ever want to grow that library, I can. Since it exists though, I can make peace with the fact that I have already, in fact, contributed to free content for people in situations like the past me.

Objective Fact 3: It is okay, fair, and acceptable to have some projects that are free and some that are paid. I think it's okay to do both and I have the choice on which projects to do that for. There are plenty of business, creators etc. that offer both paid and pro bono services. It's not realistic to have every project be free if the goal is to see if I can make a living wage from writing.

The Verdict

After analyzing all the evidence presented, The Council determined that if I wanted to sell the novella I'm working on, it is acceptable and moral to do so and I was able to finish my work for the day. I finished what I set out to do. I wanted to spend time thinking a bit more about what I wanted to do, and I accomplished that. I even went above and beyond by dismantling some unrealistic expectations, undue pressure, and toxic guilt. Good job me! Gold star!

Now, I know it may come off as a bit silly but silliness isn't a crime (or so I'm told) and I actually felt much better at the end. These types of not-so-pleasant thoughts come up for me alot in different areas and while it may not be something I can undo immediately, I don't have to give in.

Today's Progress

Today was so much easier than yesterday but I did have to remind myself of yesterday's conversation. I started my day earlier than usual to work on it. When I did, I found 15 minutes wasn't enough so I worked on it a little more later in the day.

I finished reading and leaving notes on the first short story called "The Shoppe Keep". It's a short story that takes place in the fantasy world I created. I also went through to highlight any important names or locations I mentioned for reference. I was also thinking it might be really cool to include my map in the book along with a little in-book guide to help flesh out the world.

Tomorrow's Game Plan

While going through things today, I decided to add at least 4 more scenes to this version. Some questions I'm exploring:

"What happens to the ones left behind?" Not everyone answers the call to adventure. What of those people?

"What is a healthy level of independence?"

"Should everyone answer the adventurer's call?"

In any case, I'm very excited for tomorrow and I'm a little proud of myself for not giving up when I experienced internal pushback. I think, no matter what, this is a good experiment for me.

Warm regards,

Your Friendly, Voracious Scribe