Dancing in the Rain

Rainy days used to spark a sense of dread within me. There's something about the cold, wet, grey days that makes me want to hide in bed. Time to wrap myself up in a fuzzy blanket and cocoon until the sun comes back out. These kind of days are the norm for me. I have suffered from depression for many years, and frankly, I will take any excuse to crawl back into my safe, warm bed and avoid the world. As much as I know that I'm not alone in these feelings, sometimes its hard to imagine not feeling like a failure. Motivation is limited most days... if I show up on time to a planned engagement or even to work, its a bit of a miracle.

When COVID-19 first blew up, I was overwhelmed by the information and fear mongering being force fed into my brain. I am no stranger to the soul-sucking phone scroll, but the amount of misinformation had me thinking the worst. I was ready to hunker down and hide out in my bedroom until this all blew over. My mind raced for days on end, and I tried to distract myself by taking care of my basic needs. I was not ready in the slightest for my busy life to come to a sudden halt. I've since learnt that when you aren't ready for it, life still has a way of guiding you towards your next journey.

Prior to the start of the pandemic, I was working two jobs. I worked 7 days a week for some time, but felt the burnout really hard by the start of the new year. I began to take one day off. One day of rest. I had no idea, that what I really needed was a break from life. I am one of those people who is always on the go and I didn't know how to slow down. I came into the start of the year, on edge, anxious and avoidant. My relationship was hot/cold, and left me questioning my value and self-worth more often than I care to admit. At the start of March, my boyfriend of two years called it quits. I can't say I blame him. It's no fun being around an insecure person who's essentially a ticking time bomb. I had busied myself so much that I didn't feel at ease when I had downtime, if anything, I found myself feeling lost and without a purpose.

So I am stuck at home at the start of quarantine, basically sleeping my days away. I wasn't able to realize at the time that this was absolutely necessary. I was too stuck in the spiral of self-loathing and continued to avoid my problems. After maybe 2 weeks, I had a sudden burst of energy; I was keen on going for walks, cooking myself proper meals, and even tidying my space. It wasn't just that one day I woke up and was rid of depression, but my body and mind felt more awake than ever. I was finally given time to deal with my shit, feel my feelings and find more positive coping strategies. I woke up after noon most days, but instead of kicking myself, I began to practice self love and compassion. I wouldn't continue to be my own bully, but began to praise myself for doing what I needed in that moment (whether it was sleeping in, skipping a meal, or even just stepping out for a cigarette).

After 3 weeks, I returned to work and things began to seem a little more structured. I have craved structure for a long while, but felt a constant struggle to implement the changes in my life for this to be effective. I learnt that the best way to motivate myself to do things a little different, was to simply love myself a little more. I had spent years at war with myself and self-sabotaging every chance I got. This became so second nature, that I only ever realized when my partner would point it out to me. I was setting myself up to fail in varying areas of my life. I had unrealistic expectations I had set for myself, and was stuck on how I wasn't able to meet them.

I have seen therapists, doctors, life coaches, etc etc but I realized an important thing after I took a look back recently. If you don't love yourself, you are setting yourself up for failure before you even start the race. I was expecting that if I paid a professional to help me shake my depression and associated symptoms, that I would be happy. Ultimately, that happiness was always in reach. I was just not looking inward for answers. I was seeking validation elsewhere in life, but still wondered why I felt so empty.

Today, instead of looking out at the grey, rainy day as another reason to feel defeated... I threw on my raincoat and danced like a crazy person while the rain came down. I wasn't worried that my neighbours were perhaps getting a chuckle, or if my cigarette wasn't hitting just right. I simply took the time to enjoy another day in my life. I am still a work in progress, but the time I was given to reconnect with myself, well it saved my life.