Damn, This Scar

Our family was not prepared to lose the core of it, my grandpa, the man I called dad my whole life; he was up there in age but his spirit was one of a kind, a fighter even in his weak days. Some people felt it was ‘his time’ but nothing could’ve prepared me to say goodbye to my hero on Earth, so when people say that I was lucky to get that last day of him, of his true nature, I just smile because, yes, I am grateful to have been the last one in his presence before him leaving us, but the torment my soul felt in understanding that he tried to prepared me to say goodbye is just unbearable.

The man that my mother shared a marriage with that led to my birth (my sperm donor) gave me his last name but never gave me his time, his love, his support nor taught me how I should be loved by a man; and in a lot of ways I’ve grown to detach from resentment towards this man, I’ve forgiven him in my thoughts, I don’t feel I owe him anything more. I don’t feel I missed out on anything, especially having my dad step in the way he did, I never wondered if I was good enough or if I was the black duck of the family, I’ve felt the opposite actually, I’ve always felt that he missed out on how great I am; then again he had 12 kids with multiple women, I was the youngest, right before his big cut.

On one hand I’ve always known my value when it came to relationships, on the other there has always been a lack of trust, due to the abandonment emotion that was created very early on in my childhood; this emotion has prevented me from trusting fully, at the first sign of disconnect, I hug myself tight and walk away. In different connections I’ve always needed time and space, I’ve always needed breaks, and when I was first made aware of it, I was ashamed of it, for so long I didn’t understand why I needed time alone, why I needed my head to shut and breathe alone; and then I sabotaged my marriage.

Talking about my sperm donor was never easy especially with my older brothers, they have such a different outlook on what and how everything happened that most of the time they remind me that it wasn’t his choice not to be in my life; when I was 13 and then again when I was 16 I was encouraged by my mother to call him, the man didn’t know my name nonetheless my birthday, as he slurred another name into the phone, and as he talked about nothing my heart shattered into a million pieces, not because I expected a bond to be there or even a connection but because I didn’t expect to be disappointed at half of who I was, DNA wise; the next day I cried on my dad’s chest and he told me ‘ Lucy, you tried, you opened yourself up to an opportunity that he was not prepared to take advantage of; that is HIS mistake, not yours’; it was clear to me who my dad was and who he will always be.

Still, when it comes to love, trust and connecting I’ve always struggled because I see love as conditional; feeling secure in a relationship has always been uncomfortable, I’ve grown to understand that working and healing my trauma has allowed me to open parts of myself that I didn’t know were there to exercise, especially with my own kids. At this phase in life, I am ready and willing to give more than I’ve ever given before, no conditions but the difference is that now I understand that the emotion of abandonment is a scar I can choose to love on or have as an insecurity which will keep enabling me from giving and receiving unconditional love which is something I now know I want in my life.

Forgiving or meeting my sperm donor as an adult is no longer a need, I realized that in order to heal trauma you don’t need an explanation , a conversation nor a physical encounter , the only thing you need is to acknowledge those emotional scars so we can work on them, and grow from them; feeling abandoned by someone that was supposed to be your hero, someone who was supposed to protect you is the hardest thing because the truth can’t be avoided, if the person who helped made you does not see value in you, who will? The people who see you, the people who love you, the people who have witnessed your life flourish, the people who held your hand at every accomplishment: but the most important piece of that advice is, YOU, you value who you are, who you became, who you are working on becoming.

Not facing the emotional disaster I was because of an emotion I didn’t know was the core of my insecurities was like living under water, waiting for a breath, and now I see relationships so different, I see my needs as requirements, no longer negotiable, I need time to be with myself, I need time to center my being; when you are loving from insecurity , you love with entitlement, instead of loving from a place of value, you love like you want to be love.

XOXO

Lucy