Damn, I Just Realized

My whole life I’ve needed structure to function, I’ve always needed a routine in order for me to be the best version of myself, in order to maintain my balance; it hasn’t always been the easiest task of course as we evolve, our lives change, and so does our environment. What I needed yesterday might not be what I need today, what I felt yesterday might develop into a different feeling today, I’ve learned to awaken to a new day as a blank canvas, and paint it’s way through the day, so that at the end of the night I can see how much I’ve done, how much I’ve grown in a single 24 hours.

For the last 26 days, life has been happening slowly for me, from co-parenting schedule changes to the way I work out my emotions with myself first; it has been such a transformation that I don’t recognize her in the mirror, even my body is different, and I don’t mean drastically I mean the way it feels, the way it lightens up when I touch it, when I tend to it, when I listen to it.

I got 3 number paintings from Amazon, when I first started in the beginning of the 26 days, I used to get frustrated because the amount of attention to detail it required was exhausting, what I wanted was an easy painting to go above my bed, for a change of scenery: what I gained was a lesson.

Prior to this experience I was super impatient, waiting was not one of my strong suits; expecting people to do mind reading was also not one, and so when I got frustrated I started asking myself questions, like “why are you frustrated?” “What about this project you are not enjoying?” and after a while of doing some self talk I went back to it and finished the first piece. It kind of almost reminded me of how we as adults expect a newborn to know how to self soothe, when it has never been taught to, or does not have the skills to attempt it; before a newborn can self soothe it needs to trust it’s environment, it needs to trust the bond , the connection to the world, it needs to learn how to or how not to need a bobo ( pacifier).

My bobo was my environment, I knew I was able to break down if I needed to, I also knew that I had all the tools I needed to get through this frustrating moment, once I understood that, soothing myself through different emotions became a bit easier; yesterday I wrote about my sperm donor, and though I didn’t foresee an emotional gap between feeling proud and being honest within myself, I had to have a talk with myself and ask myself a few questions, that led me to realize, I would’ve loved to have him in my life as a parent, I would’ve loved for my kids to have known him; I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to feel that before, out of pride; and then like the blue of fire I understood where my need to push and test people came from, it came from deep down wanting them to fight for me, like I wanted him to when I was a child.

From the age of memory I remember pushing people away, testing them in order for me to feel reassured and this worked my whole life, I've done this with my romantic relationships as well as my friendships; feeling secure in connections is part of my abandonment scar, but needing reassurance comes from witnessing my own blood disregard my need to be at different stages in my life.

Now as time goes by slowly and I find myself in an emotional development phase I am starting to question, why do I feel like I need to meet this man, the man whose shadow followed me my entire life; why do I feel like now he would give me different answers to the same questions I had at 13 or/and 16? Why do I feel like this might be the purpose of this pause in my career, in my professional life? Why am I not fighting my pride, why is my ego encouraging what potentially could damage me more?

I've always been the strongest, I've always pride myself on being the one who stepped up for my family when things were not good, I've always found a way to make things work, even if sacrifice was needed; as I stare at her in the mirror I am beginning to see that she is my feminine side, her soft eyes, her nurturing energy, the way she seems to be so patient with me, the way she has talked me through this without saying a word.

In the beginning of these 26 days, I would sit to write and stare at the blank page, until I would give up and close my laptop, on my vision board I added " work on my feminine energy" for the first time since I became a mother, I chose to open my mind with an outside element, and I don't know if it was it or if the gates of my mind just open and let out a flood, all I know is that I've not stopped writing for almost two weeks now, and as I submit to publish and I reread, I am starting to see the under subject here, for the first time in my life I am talking about my biological father and it's not a coincidence that talking about someone I've never met, sorting out all these hidden emotions is also allowing me to stare at her; he gave me no choice but to be masculine for both my pride and the life I would be living without him.

XOXO

Lucy