Damn, I am Stagnant.

December 2021 was such a hard month emotionally, I left my favorite job because the stress level was not my favorite, I was promoted to another department and I felt amazing; still confused about where I was going. A lot of emotional disasters and beautiful realizations happened in 31 days, I realized love scared me enough for me to sabotage it, and I also realized that corporate no longer made my passion lit; I kept asking Universe for a sign, a sign for me to know if I should leave corporate but then came the new job and then I got COVID, and so I have not worked since December 31, 2021.

January has been silent, and though these days I am enjoying cooking, painting and watching my kids grow; I am wondering when I will find my purpose. They say that pausing can sometimes give you direction, I've paused for 21 days and stuck in what’s next, I’ve written letters to the Universe, cry, damn near trash my whole apartment needing answers; all these triggers surrounding money and my success level in life and what that means to me, to my kid’s future, the truth is that following my heart to leave corporate is not the best financial decision, and there is this voice in my head that keeps screaming at me, and I understand she is afraid, because I am terrify.

My childhood, though traumatic , was also full of financial restrictions that nested a very fragile relationship between money and I. Since I was 19 I had to fend for myself financially and well. I've done pretty well for myself, always worked, always educated myself, made it my priority to get to a comfortable level, I had to start all over when I left my marriage, going back to my mother’s home was like a punch in the face, a mock that emotionally I ignored, it only took me a year to bounce back, this time, completely alone with dependents.

Money and I have never been best friends, even in moments when I’ve felt amazingly secure, I’ve never trusted money.

Consciously I understand that money is not happiness, and I understand that money will never amount to passion, in the same breath I understand that like everyone else I have financial responsibilities that I can’t ignore; so these last couple of weeks have been unbearable, I keep attempting to trust Universe and to trust the process but the more I try to the more questions I have. I was lucky to have been granted a leave from my job, lucky to be able to take this time out and figure out what’s next, but I am as lost as I was January 1st, 2022.

I am mad at the American culture, I am mad that I am part of it, I hate that corporate has such a hold on our financial success, I hate that in order to make life comfortable we must work 40+ hours, barely see our kids and on weekends hide in bed because we are overworked and over stimulated. I hate that my mom had to work two jobs to support us, even with a man at home, I hate that I saw the way money worked its way to our mental stability in multiple moments throughout our childhood, which scarred me as an adult, because my inability to trust money, is the reason I am a workaholic, the reason I’ve missed my child’s school events and even family time. Looking back at my marriage, my partner had full control over finances, I never had a worry in the world about our money, but as soon as it was me and money I found myself chasing after an amount that I’ve reached but for whatever reason I am still chasing after.

I recently asked myself, why am I afraid of love? As I looked in the mirror I realized I am not afraid of love, I am afraid of depending on it, I am afraid to depend on anything or/and anyone; since I was young, I was always shown that depending on a certain play-out will only delay my response, when I was 19, I decided to run from home, run from my raper and finally escape whatever the cards I was dealt with were, little did I know that escaping was just the iceberg.

My first love, whom became my wife and the mother of my kids, taught me love, patience, hurt and support and the utmost unconditional ties I’ve ever known; she also enable me to depend on all of those things because those things were not from my core, they were taught and so, once I left my marriage I had to relearn myself and stitch back who I was, or who I wanted to be; exactly what happened when I left home, I had to relearn how to live or how to be without trauma, without hurt and pain, without needing to be responsible for two kids under 5, without wondering where the next paycheck will come from. My inability to become an adult in my marriage, was the reason I hurt her like I did, my inability to understand the consequences of my actions was the reason I walked out of jobs like I didn’t have a care in the world, my inability to sit with myself and face my ugly was the reason I sabotage so many opportunities both professionally and romantically and now at 32, I can’t stand to look at this robotic clone sitting in front of the laptop for 8 hours, putting work before water or even food, measuring time spent on a screen with her bank account, ignoring her almost 5 year asking for an apple; who is she? And why does she live here?

My childhood, my past and the culture we are taught to live by is the reason I’ve watered down who I’ve been meaning to become, my growth has been delayed because of my fragile relationship with money, with dependency. What happens if I leave my comfortable salary? What happens if I let someone cuddle me to sleep?

Universe, are you listening?

XOXO

Lucy