Damn, I got COVID.

After 2 years of playing Mario with COVID-19, January 01,2022 the beast finally squared up to me, now it knocked me out, lights out, I mean worst I’ve ever been BUT it brought out something in me that I haven’t seen in such a long time; it brought out the need of needing someone.

I’ve been single for 4 years now, flings and a heartbreak in between but I couldn’t remember the last time I shared time and space with someone, I don’t mean knocking boots and leaving, I mean hanging out, laughing, eating, sleeping, snoring, you know the kind of quality time that makes you question if you are ready for a relationship.

I saw this tiktok, by @_tricia.jane where she explains the similarities between a cocoon and COVID-19; the force to be alone, the force of needing rest, the force of something changing and at first it made sense but not to the point where I needed to open my computer up and start typing, so I heard it a second time and then I jumped off my bed, feeling my bones demanding for my body to lay back down and hearing my head cursing me out because the computer screen was too bright; as excited to write as I was, I simply couldn’t manage to type without feeling the tips of my fingers complaining of pain, and so my body won, I crawled back in bed adding a mental post-it to the list of do’s.

For a week, I was in and out of sleep, in and out of consciousness, between pills and drinks I felt hazy for a few and then before I knew it, my body would go numb and this repeated itself, I am not ashamed to say that brushing my teeth, nor bathing was a priority, eating was barely making the list, my dog lea, she made a mess on the blue pads which took the 1% of energy that I had every time I woke up, and so on day 6, when I opened my eyes and realized that the light of the sun did not hurt, I got a bit excited to have a little more energy to master a bit of clean up, for myself and the place.

@_tricia.jane was right, after what seemed like a decade of darkness, and the short moments in between sleep when I was having conversations, they all tied in together and I cried my eyes out, I felt my heart chakra opened and I was drowned in doubt, pain,hurt, rejection and emotional immaturity. It brought up a lot of self resentment because I thought the last four years of singleness, I’ve worked on loving myself, on my value as a woman, I thought I was ready for love once again, only to be met by this gate flow of emotional disaster. I cried because I was trying to understand where I went wrong, but I quickly learned that suppressing emotions, or acting hard, or pushing , or testing people, it all made a big splash on who I thought I’ve become, instead of who I was becoming.

It turns out that all this time I thought Love was not for me, I was actually hoping to stay far away from it; the thing about sharing time and space with someone is that triggers start to play and just like in movies, one starts running away while the other chases but then in real life, there is no airport scene, there is no grand central sign along, there is only the space created in between to hopefully heal before damaging further.

I discovered so many things about myself while sharing time and space; I discovered that I like to give, I like to make people feel special, but I also like to argue, I also like to be dramatic and I also need constant reassurance. I learned that I like sleeping alone but I hate waking up alone, I learned that my need to triple locking the door is more mental than physical, I learned that though I can give someone all kinds of material things to make them feel special, I can’t give them more because the fear of being vulnerable kills me.

My cocoon is transforming my heart chakra and is too soon to tell but I think that I’ll reach out to my therapist and start anew on this new level of awareness; so next time I get to share time and space I don’t go ham wire on myself or the public.

XOXO

Lucy