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When I was 5 years old, I begged one of my friend’s mom to allow me to go back to their home to play, my friend’s mom asked if I had asked my mother and with a smile on my face, I said the biggest lie of my 5-year-old life; yes. We walked, my friend and I playing tag the whole way to her house, me, unaware of my surroundings; all my excitement was based on the extension of my time with my friend. We settled and played for what felt like a while, finally my friend’s mother asked if my mother was going to pick me up soon, and yet again, with the biggest smile on my face I said, yes.

As I walked down the stairs and into the street, I was confident that I would find my way because I was a little ‘know-it-all’; my home was right across from the school, so every afternoon after school all I was told to do was to cross the street with the guard and go up the stairs, to find my mother in the kitchen cooking dinner, this evening as I tried to remember which street to cross, I was filled with fear, as I walk straight, no left or right turns, I began to feel confused and as the sky began to darken I started to feel scare.

My mother had this weird game where she would make us remember which number was to call the police, at the time I did not think much of it, but that day as my body started to freeze, I saw the pay phone on my right hand, right before I crossed the 3rd street, and I dialed 9-1-1. After explaining to the nice lady that I was lost and describing my surroundings, and reading the letters off the street sign the lady said, “I know exactly where you are, don’t move, I’ll stay on the phone with you” she did, and when I saw the police car, I asked her if it was safe for me to hang up now, I said goodbye and was carried by one of the police man unto the backseat, where he asked me all sorts of questions; my mother was waiting for the police car by our front door, I saw tears in her eyes, and I also saw anger, mostly tears but that’s when I knew I was in trouble, the police man talked to her and exchanged information, by this time my mom was carrying me; checking me like if I was supposed to have been hurt, when we got upstairs, she checked my whole body, head to toes, she asked me questions like ‘ did anyone touch you, where did you go, who was there, did any one asked you for anything; and when I told her the truth of what happened, how I lied and told my friend’s mom that she had given me permission all her anger got loose and I got fucked up.

I thought of this story the other day as I was walking home with my minis; I’ve been feeling lost, away from ‘home’, sort of like the ‘home sick’ feeling, I haven’t slept much, stress has been constant and though I have a lot on my plate right now, a lot that I am working on, I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that I thought of this story at the exact time I was feeling the same feelings as my then 5 year old self.

I am a fighter, I do not let up easy, I do not consider myself a quitter, less I do not consider myself weak in any spectrum of the word; lately I have found myself feeling exhausted, looking at 8:30pm has become almost like a death sentence, waking up with the sun and yet not having enough time to feel accomplish is a cycle I do not wish on anyone. Work has become intense and though my passion is resilient, my mental health is suffering, this month the healthcare field has gotten amazing news, amazing breakthroughs and I feel lucky to be a part of it; at the same time, my personal goals, my personal needs have become bigger, deeper almost like the ocean.

I was told at the beginning of my Spiritual journey that I would be breaking a lot of generational cycles in my family, financial freedom has been one of them, I’ve been working on what financial security means to me, and what it does not; being the first one in my family to own a home, to own land, has been the hardest because leaving this comfortable mind set of not being the responsible one, not being the one who signs a contact, not being the one who vows to take care of such big commitment is hard, especially when you’ve seen how life can tear you apart in seconds. I’ve witness my mother healthy, thriving and then in a blink of an eye, she was between life and death, I’ve witness the love of a father figure and then in rude awakening being left naked on my childhood bed, I’ve witness my first love and then like the moon over shadows the sun, I was left with nothing but platonic feelings for someone I swore was my beginning and my end; I’ve witness how painful life is, and I’ve witness how beautiful becomes ugly.

Walking home as a 5-year-old, was the scariest thing, in retrospect I think about all the horrible things that could have happened to me that day, all the scenarios that could have changed my whole life, just because I wanted to go to my friend’s when I wanted to; not when my mother had agreed to, but when I wanted to. In this journey patience have been my biggest enemy, my biggest weakness, as I thought about that day and how I later on found out that I was 5 blocks away from home, and I had walked 3 blocks by myself I remembered that divine timing is at play, I might be 5 days away from closing on my first home, it might be 5 years , I can’t see the future, I have a vision of what my destination might look like, but is impossible to know how much longer, how soon, how many rights, or lefts, how many streets until I arrive at my destination and see I always ask my mom, ‘what did you do when you realized I was missing’, and she always says ‘I was looking for you across the street in the school, there were a lot of people looking for you inside a huge building for hours, until the police at the school with us heard that there was a little girl lost 2 blocks away’ so know that, while we are in tears in the bathroom at the end of the day, while we are at the park hearing our kids laugh, while we are helping others, Universe is on the other side working on our destination.

XOXO

Lucy